<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>Control by TheLazyBam</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23790358">Control</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheLazyBam/pseuds/TheLazyBam'>TheLazyBam</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Supergirl (TV 2015)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, BDSM, F/F, Fluff and Angst, Lena Luthor Gets a Hug, Lena Luthor Knows Kara Danvers Is Supergirl, Lena Luthor Needs a Hug, Mon-El is here, Non-Graphic Rape/Non-Con, Overprotective Lena, PLEASE READ TAGS, Slow Burn, Sub!Lena, im sorry</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-04-22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-05-15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 11:08:35</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Rape/Non-Con</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>49,116</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23790358</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheLazyBam/pseuds/TheLazyBam</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Lena Luthor has way too many secrets she's hiding from her best friend. But when Red Kryptonite accidentally infects Kara Danvers, it flips Lena's world around and forces a few painful things out in the open.</p><p>This is the story of how Lena and Kara heal from an incident that nearly destroys their friendship.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Kara Danvers/Lena Luthor</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>386</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>1288</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>The Very Best of Lena Luthor and Kara Zor-El Danvers</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Inhale. Center. Exhale.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Hi!<br/>Bam here.</p><p>So, a few things:<br/>Please for the love of god, read the tags.<br/>Second, I havent been able to update my main because life is dumb and I'm borrowing someone's laptop right now.<br/>Third, this story is mostly done but I'm hoping to see what you think. I'll post the chapters every two days to give myself time to edit in case I miss something.</p><p>That said, I hope you enjoy this. <br/>Let me know what you think :)</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p>Lena grits her teeth, clenching her jaw, before she slowly, quietly, takes a centering breath. In her peripheral, she sees the familiar shape of two beings, limbs splayed across each other in a tangled mess, giggling, whispering. It should be obscene. But everyone just finds it adorable.</p><p>She’s been through this before. She will get through this again. There is no reason to fall apart now. At least not in front of their friends.</p><p> </p><p>Kara’s “Friday Night, Game Night” is in full swing and Lena is now regretting her decision to attend, as she has regretted it since—</p><p> <em>Stop.</em></p><p>
  <em>Inhale. Center. Slow exhale.</em>
</p><p>Thus centered, she stands up from Kara’s unusually comfortable cream and navy blue, polka-dotted beanie chair—a ‘chair’ that Kara has dubbed <em>‘Lena’s Throne’</em> (preventing anyone else from using it) since Lena once drunkenly admitted that it was pretty comfortable—and pads to the kitchen to open another bottle of wine and refill her glass. She promises herself it’s her last one for the night.</p><p>It isn’t, of course.</p><p> </p><p>“Hey, Lena, are you okay?”</p><p>A gentle hand on her shoulder, a soft voice, and a radiating warmth sends her reeling off-center once again. And Lena curses internally.</p><p>She quickly downs her newly refilled glass of wine before turning to Kara with a rehearsed and perfected smile.</p><p>“Hi. Yeah, I’m good. It’s just been one of those weeks, you know?” she replies with an exaggerated sigh.</p><p>Kara furrows her brows for a second, as if testing Lena’s words, before nodding. She gathers the smaller brunette in an impossibly soft and immensely warm hug and Lena’s heart clenches and hurts.</p><p>Lena keeps her free hand slack to her side while the other desperately holds on to the now empty wine glass.</p><p>It’s a lie, after all.</p><p>It hasn’t been one of those weeks. It has been one of those half-a-years. More accurately, six months, one week, three days, and three hours. Lena can narrow it down further to the second, but she’d really rather not count anymore.</p><p>Because that’s exactly how long Kara has been dating Mon-El.</p><p>Or, at least, that’s exactly how long it has been since Kara burst into Lena’s office, elated, sapphire eyes wide, and with the most brilliant smile, announcing how excited she was that Mon-El has asked her out on a date <em>finally.</em></p><p>Lena should have seen it coming. How long was it since Kara considered going back to the dating pool and wondered if maybe dating Mon-El might be a good idea before Mon-El actually asked her out?</p><p>
  <em>One month, three weeks, four da—stop.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>But she’s Kara’s best friend.</p><p>And Lena tries to be. God knows, she tries. Despite not really knowing how to be a good one, or even a mediocre on at that, she tries. She has read books about friendship and has silently sworn her unwavering fidelity and friendship to one Kara Zor-El Danvers.</p><p>
  <em>If only her mother and brother could see her now.</em>
</p><p>She told her, then, six or so months ago, how happy she is for Kara, gave her the perfunctory hug, and assured her that she is there whenever Kara needs anything.</p><p>It was a selfish assurance, borne out of the need to let Kara know that despite the surely joyful (joyful for Kara and Mon-El) occasion, Lena was still there.</p><p>…always has been there.</p><p>…always will be there.</p><p> </p><p>“Well, you know, if you ever need to talk, I’m here. I know I’ve been busy with work and Supergirl and Mon-El moving in, but I will always be <em>your</em> Kara. You know that, right?” Kara whispers into the hug, dragging Lena away from one painful reverie to an equally painful reality.</p><p>Once again, Lena’s heart clenches, sending a wave of sullenness over Lena’s exhausted and bruised being.</p><p>“Thank you, Kara. But, really, I’m fine.” Lena murmurs in reply. And Kara, mercifully, finally, lets Lena go.</p><p> </p><p>Lena turns back to the kitchen counter and downs two more glasses of wine before returning to Kara’s living room and in a fit of drunken smugness, mercilessly destroys everyone in a round of Trivial Pursuit. (Winn, Lena’s designated partner, looks to her in awe.)</p><p>Nobody notices she hasn’t looked at Kara and Mon-El’s cozy little corner of the couch. Nobody notices the slight twitch in her jaw whenever she hears saccharine kisses and the indignant ‘Get a room’ from Alex.</p><p>Lena, after all, is a Luthor.</p><p>And a Luthor never wears her heart on her sleeves.</p><p>Right now, her Luthor genes are just shining right on fucking through.</p><p> </p><p>When it was time to say goodbye, Lena plays the perfect guest and best friend and gives her farewell hugs and cheek kisses and promises of texts as soon as she gets home.</p><p>She does as she promised and sends Kara a text, thanking her for once again hosting a great evening and wishing her a good night. She informs everyone in the group chat too that she is home.</p><p> </p><p>And when she enters her bedroom, a blue-eyed blonde is waiting for her with a cane and a flogger. She doesn’t look quite like Kara, but close enough. Lena wordlessly strips down to her underwear and assumes her position.</p><p>The blonde does not relent until Lena is screaming, begging on her knees, asking for forgiveness from her best friend who is half a city away, cozily sleeping in another man’s arms. She does not relent until Lena’s back, ass, and the back of her thighs are raw and blooming with bruises that will mar her for the better part of the coming week, reminding Lena of why she needs to be punished.</p><p>The blonde, a service ordered and paid for in cash, and with an iron-clad NDA rivalling the most secretive organizations, attempts to offer an aftercare, but as usual, Lena declines and sends her away.</p><p>Instead, Lena fills her bathtub with ice and water and adds a few drops of a formula she has created specifically so she never has to put on creams or ointments on her bruises (additionally, it keeps her skin moisturized. She briefly considered stealthily selling a few bottles in FetLife, but decided against it since it’s so goddamned expensive to make.), carefully removes her underwear and gingerly lowers herself down the freezing water. Just before her lips turn blue, she slowly stands, wipes herself down and sets her AC to its lowest possible temperature. She throws the duvet down the floor and proceeds to lay on her bed, gathering her knees close to her chin.</p><p>Her entire body feels as cold as her heart and finally, <em>finally</em>, she succumbs to a dreamless slumber.</p><p>  </p><p>Admittedly, it’s a terrible idea to get drunk <em>and </em>punished afterwards but Lena could not care less.</p><p>She wakes up the next day feeling absolutely nothing but the hammering on her head and the angry bruises on her body. Nothing that two aspirins, a glass of water, and a tumbler of caffeine cannot take care of.</p><p>Despite the searing pain, she still does yoga and forty-five minutes of full speed sprint on her treadmill before she heads to the shower, water on freezing, as usual. Once clean and refreshed, she heads to her home office and dons the mantle of L-Corp CEO (but in tank top, sweatpants, comically large glasses, and raven hair in a loose bun—it’s a Saturday, after all).</p><p>By the end of the day, she is drowning in work, her body still punishing her.</p><p>But her heart is quiet, at least for the moment.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>The only ‘upside’ to losing Kara to that damned Daxamite is that Lena now has more time to focus on her goals for L-Corp and her other pet projects. Since Kara no longer drops in for lunches or dinners as often as she used to, Lena’s productivity has sky rocketed.</p><p>In the time since Kara started dating, Lena has fixed Kara’s suit, making it more durable and rendering Kara nearly immune to Kryptonite (except of course where Kara’s skin is exposed), perfected the Image Inducer, enhanced all the yellow sun lamps at the DEO, raised more than a billion dollars in several charities for several NGO’s, and has successfully hacked the DEO three times (to Winn and Kara’s amazement and Alex’s annoyance) just to show them how vulnerable their system is.</p><p>Most importantly, L-Corp is now more profitable then ever, despite shying away from weapons manufacturing and focusing instead on the healthcare sector.</p><p> </p><p>Gone are the ‘good morning’ texts overloaded with emojis Lena could barely decipher. Gone are the late night texts reminding Lena to rest and not work so hard, but always ending with a ‘You’re the best, Lena’ peppered with emojis and hearts.</p><p>Gone are the random pictures of puppies and black kittens with green eyes that Kara gushes over and sends to Lena with captions like ‘This kitten looks like my favorite person. Clue: she has black hair and green eyes too’.</p><p>Gone are the random, middle-of-the-day hugs just cause Kara had the time to drop in.</p><p> </p><p>It has been three weeks since the last ‘Game Night’ Lena attended and Kara has only dropped in twice, not to stay for lunch as she used to, but at least to leave food for Lena (who has begun working through her lunches again), with promises of catching up soon.</p><p>Lena graciously accepts Kara’s offering and agrees that they should schedule a catch-up session soon. They haven’t scheduled anything yet. Not that either of them is trying anyway.</p><p>But Lena’s being the good friend, after all. And Kara needs her space. If she want to talk to Lena, if she needs Lena, she will come…and she hasn’t needed Lena since—<em>anyway.</em></p><p> </p><p>Lena starts missing out on ‘Game Nights’ too, opting instead for the cane, the paddles, the whips, the flogger, begging over and over again for forgiveness that will never come. It is, after all, remarkably less painful than suffering through hours of cuddles and kisses and smiles that will never be for Lena. The pain of her sessions focuses Lena, blissfully driving away the gnawing in her heart, at least for a few days.</p><p>And if her heart continues to be this traitorous, then Lena will choose where her pain will come from.</p><p> But then, it happens…</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Lena’s brows are furrowed, examining data from her latest experiment, extrapolating what she can before she can run another one.</p><p>She is in her personal lab at the basement of L-Corp, a whole section not included in the blueprints but has come to be one of Lena’s favorite places in the world.</p><p>It is filled with pet projects, ongoing experiments, and rows upon rows of data storage on one side. Much like her office and her apartment, all the furniture and equipment are in shades of black, gray, and white. Everything is ergonomic and state of the art. The walls, floors and ceiling are all in an immaculate sort of while. She cleans and maintains everything personally. (That’s what Sundays are for, usually.) It even has a small make-shift bedroom, with a double bed, a small closet and bathroom, for those days when Lena just can’t make it home anymore.</p><p>Here, she is in her element.</p><p>Which makes it that much jarring when she gets <em>the</em> call from Alex.</p><p> </p><p>“Hi Lena, have you seen Kara?” Alex’s voice on the other end is strained. A million alarms starts setting off in Lena’s head.</p><p>“No. Is something the matter, Alex? Did something happen to Kara?” Lena asks.</p><p>There’s a hesitant pause on the other line before Alex starts talking.</p><p>“There was an accident yesterday at one of the labs here at the DEO. It was contained quickly, thanks to Kara. Except this morning, we find out that a sample of Red Kryptonite was in that lab. Normally, this wouldn’t worry me so much, except Mon-El tells me Kara flew off this morning and hasn’t been returning any of our calls. Her communicator is down and—“</p><p>“Let me guess,” Lena sighs, “She’s taken off her tracker, too.”</p><p>“Yes. Winn is also tracking her solar radiation signature, but that’s not quite so reliable. All the lead-lined bunkers that we know off within National City and surrounding areas have been searched too.”</p><p>The alarm bells in Lena’s head are positively screaming now.</p><p>“Have you tried the Fortress?” she hopes and is quickly dashed by Alex’s response.</p><p>“Yes, and we are still widening our search parameters. So far, nothing.”</p><p>“Let me know what you need and I’ll make sure it’s done.” Lena promises despite the hammering in her head.</p><p>There’s another hesitant pause.</p><p>“About that…Can you maybe look at all the hidden bunkers your mother and brother may be using? I’m sorr—“</p><p>“Consider it done. I’ll let you know when I find something.” Lena says, her voice flat.</p><p>“Listen Lena, I know this is too much—“</p><p>“Don’t worry about it, Alex. You know I’ll do anything for Kara.” Lena cuts Alex off again and disconnects the call.</p><p>And it is the truth. She will do just about anything for Kara.</p><p> Lena sighs. But the truth is a little bit more complicated and she doesn’t have time to explain. She worries that she wouldn’t even know how to begin explaining without coming off as the villain again.</p><p>Because no matter how many bunkers Alex, Winn, and Mon-El overturn in their frantic search for Kara, they will never find her. Even if Lillian and Lex give up their list of hideouts, Lena knows Kara will not be there. If Kara really, truly wants to hide, there is only one place she can disappear to. Because while the DEO may have a list of all the places Kara can hide her solar signature, there is one place in the world where they will never find her.</p><p>Because this one is known to only two people in the world. One being Lena.</p><p>The other being Kara, herself.</p><p> </p><p><em>“I made it for you.” </em>Lena said, gesturing to the interior of the hideaway.<em> “In true ‘Paranoid Luthor’ fashion, in case the worse happens, you can hide here. It is designed to be exactly like my apartment upstairs, with the same amenities except buried deep beneath the building and with crazier security protocols plus a pantry you can live in for three months without ever going out,” </em>Lena’s voice echoes in her head.</p><p>It was the first gift she gave Kara after learning about Supergirl. It didn’t take her too long to construct. After all, the space had been there and she had been planning something of the sort for her own use. She only needed to modify a few bits and pieces to suit Kara’s needs.</p><p>Lena makes up her mind and hurries to the hidden vault at the far side of her lab. She punches keys, has her biometrics scanned and with a hiss, a hole opens and she grabs a vial of a serum she hoped she never had to use. On her way out, she calls her driver, Frank, and tells him to meet her outside and take her home, speeding tickets be damned. She had never really been a religious person, but she prays her instincts are wrong.</p><p>Her phone pings and she sees the message on her phone. Her heart drops.</p><p>
  <em>God, I hate being right.</em>
</p><p>As soon as Lena reaches her apartment, she kicks off her Louboutins and runs to the supply closet. In her head, there is only one mantra running now. </p><p>
  <em>‘Get her out of the bunker and up to your apartment. Get her out of the bunker and up to your apartment. Get her out of the bunker and up to your apartment. Get her out of the bunker and up to your apartment.’</em>
</p><p>She depresses a part of the wall to the left, revealing a panel. She places her palm flat on the panel and a portion of the supply closet opens to reveal an elevator for one, maybe two if one doesn’t mind a tight fit. Only she and Kara has knowledge and access to this part of her home.</p><p>The elevator goes down and soon enough, it opens to an almost exact replica of her apartment, ten stories below sea level. In the middle, stands Kara Danvers, infected.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“I was waiting for you.” Kara says in a tight black dress that has Lena’s brains scrambling, red veins around her eyes glowing menacingly. Kara is barefoot, glasses discarded somewhere, and golden locks cascading gently down.</p><p>Lena says nothing, not even to acknowledge Kara’s presence, opting instead to find her hidden stash of scotch (secret compartment under the kitchen counter) and pours one for herself, downs it, pours another, significantly taller shot, and downs that too. She does it one more time, just for the heck of it. As much as she wants to just finish the entire bottle, she restrains herself and schools her thoughts.</p><p>“Everyone is looking for you, Kara.” Lena finally says. It is a non-response and Lena knows it. But her mind is running at several hundreds of different directions and it is the first thought she could grab hold of. So she goes with it.</p><p>“I know,” Kara drawls, “But as I said, I was waiting for you. Besides,” Kara adds after a beat, “they are all looking for good, kind, pure Kara Danvers and selfless, noble, Supergirl. You, on the other hand…Lena, you are here. You <em>knew</em> I would be here.”</p><p>“Lucky guess.” Lena’s muttered response earns her a laugh from Kara. But even this is devoid of the warmth of her Kara—<em>no, not her Kara. Not anymore. Never was her Kara. Never will be.</em></p><p>It is a mirthless, taunting laugh that sends a jolt of something straight through Lena’s spine.</p><p>“The world needs Kara Danvers and Supergirl, not you. So you need to go.” Lena says evenly, the three rather tall shots of scotch doing their job for her nerves.</p><p>“Perhaps.” Kara smiles. “But Kara Danvers and Supergirl need me. And you? Well—“</p><p>In a flash, she moves to stand behind Lena, snaking her arms around Lena’s waist and whispers, “—you own me.”</p><p>And Lena wants—dear God, Lena wants—to lean into the comfortable warmth of Kara’s embrace. But she catches herself in time and instead, shrugs the infected Kryptonian off, before stalking to the couch in the living area, taking her scotch and glass with her.</p><p>She sets both items down the coffee table in front of the couch before sitting down. She pinches the bridge of her nose and sighs.</p><p>“I really don’t have time to play games with you, Kara.”</p><p>“But it’s the truth, Lena. That idiotic best friend of yours will never see it, will never admit it.” Kara is now beside Lena, sitting so dangerously close that Lena could map out the finer red veins around her eyes. “You own her deepest, darkest, uninhibited desires. You live in it.” Kara whispers, her mouth so close to Lena’s ear that every breath is warmth and sunshine. “You thrive in her darkness and <em>rule</em> it. You, Lena Luthor, are hidden at the very psyche of one Kara Zor-El Danvers.”</p><p>Lena ponders this for a second, willing her mind not to go where her heart is desperately careening off to.</p><p>“Then I want you gone. Because I need Kara Danvers back.” For a moment, Lena wants to pat herself in the back, proud of how her voice came out evenly, strong in her convictions despite her heart hammering to go the other way.</p><p>Kara, in turn, smirks and has Lena pinned down on the couch in the next second, one hand trapping Lena’s wrists above her head while the other wraps around Lena’s throat, allowing only the bare minimum of air to pass through.</p><p>“Oh, don’t worry about that. I will go, my Queen. But not before you have taken <em>everything</em> I can give you.” Kara hisses into Lena’s ear before she tears Lena’s clothes into pieces.</p><p>And Kara introduces Lena to a whole new world of pain as she brutally, thoroughly, and repeatedly ravages every part of Lena.</p><p>Lena begs and struggles helplessly against Kara’s merciless onslaught but every desperate whimper only serves to feed the raging fire inside Kara…and in a moment of pain-induced clarity, Lena realizes that she is literally suffering the punishment of a god.</p><p>So she begs again, this time not for Kara to stop, but for Kara’s forgiveness. Like a mantra, she says it over and over again: “I’m so sorry, Kara. I’m sorry.”</p><p>Despite the searing pain, despite the unwelcome intrusion and the ruthless pace that the infected Kryptonian sets, Lena’s body takes it all in…and the worst part is that her heart accepts it as true and proper, with a dark sort of delight, telling her that this is exactly what she deserves for being a shit friend.</p><p>Hours later, when Kara is satisfied—spent despite her otherworldly stamina—she gently cradles the naked, bruised and battered form of Lena Luthor out of the hidden bunker and back up to the penthouse suite, via the secret elevator that connects both places. Reverently, she lays Lena down on the bed.</p><p>Kara’s last form of torture is to gently, oh so carefully, dress Lena in a loose shirt, and pyjama bottoms. No matter how careful she is, however, the damage to Lena’s body is done and every movement is hell on earth. Mercifully, it is over quickly.</p><p>Lena watches, her mind swimming, every inch of her body screaming in pain, but she watches, muted, as Kara dials Alex’s number using Lena’s phone…because Lena was dumb enough to register Kara’s thumbprint on her phone back when it was new.</p><p>“Hello, Alex. It’s Kara. No, not your boring ass sister. <em>Fun Kara</em>.”</p><p>Pause.</p><p>“I’m here at Lena’s apartment.”</p><p>Pause.</p><p>“I wouldn’t say she’s fine. Well—alive, at least for now.”</p><p>Pause.</p><p>“No need, Alex. I’m sure I’ll see you soon. Oh and uhmm, don’t bother storming this place. Bring paramedics though. Bye.”</p><p>Kara turns to Lena and with a cruel smile leans down to whisper something that shakes Lena to her very core.</p><p>She then produces the vial that Lena was hiding earlier and plunges the needle to her neck.</p><p>It is a ghost of a smile, sad and empty, that forms on the Kryptonian’s lips before she rolls her sapphire eyes back and passes out, crumbling to the carpeted floor beside Lena’s bed.</p><p>
  <em>Inhale.</em>
</p><p>She feels every newly shattered piece of her rattling, screaming silently.</p><p>
  <em>Center.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Exhale.</em>
</p><p>And every piece that has always been floating around, sharp and broken beyond repair joins in their revelry. Lena screams, but nothing comes out.</p><p> </p><p>Seconds later, Lena closes her eyes and dreams of nothing but darkness and pain.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I'm sorry.</p><p>Comments and Kudoses (is that right?) are love.</p><p>Come follow me on Twitter and watch me stan Katie McGrath so hard. (I do other dumb stuff there too)<br/>@TheLazyBam</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Fragile Things</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hi!<br/>Bam here.</p><p>You guys. I'm floored! I leave you guys alone for a while to write stuff and you drop in so much love. &lt;3<br/>Thank you for all the lovely comments and the kudosis (stg im just gonna keep finding newer and better ways to write the plural of kudos XD). I'm going to reply as soon as I can and as often as I can.</p><p>Huge shoutout to my friend Tan (@SUPERC0RPS on Twitter) for threatening me to send her the next chapter. She's scary when she types in all caps and emojis. But she's the bestest and deserves all the cuddles.</p><p>And so the healing begins. </p><p>(PS. Im not a doctor and I'm just pulling most of these stuff out of my imagination.)</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p>There is an incessant beeping, an alarm maybe, that wakes Lena up. With eyes closed, she reaches out to her bedside table, desperate to make the beeping stop.</p><p>Whatever vestiges of sleep remains in her is rudely driven out by a piercing pain that shoots from her shoulder down to her spine and back up again, before radiating all over her body. Her eyes fly open and she bites her bottom lip to stifle a scream.</p><p>She is vaguely aware of the hiss of an electronic door opening and closing before she hears a familiar voice cooing. “Hey. Hey, Lena, try not to move so much.”</p><p>Lena looks up and sees wide brown eyes and red hair.</p><p>“Alex? Where am I? What’s—“ she looks around and finds herself in a dull gray room, with a two-way mirror to her left. For a while, she is confused.</p><p>Remembering the serum, a sharp image of Kara’s smile as she passes out flashes in front of her eyes. “Oh God. Alex. I’m so sorry. Will you—will you let Kara know that I’m sorry? Plea—“</p><p>“Hey. Hey. Lena…” Alex’s voice is soft and comforting. Gone is the DEO Director and in front of Lena, Alex is Alex Danvers, Kara’s overprotective but loving and soft sister.</p><p>“First things first. You are at the DEO Medbay, but we moved you to a more private room. You’ve been out for a couple of days but Sam and Jess have been informed on a need-to-know basis. Sam has temporarily taken over in your absence. We weren’t quite sure about the extent of what you want to disclose with them so we took the liberty of erring on the side of caution until you decide for yourself. Second, Kara is fine. Whatever it was that you used on her flushed out the Red Kryptonite on her system faster than anything we have here.” She pauses, as if to consider her words. “I have several questions about that, but we can discuss it when you’re at one hundred percent.”</p><p>Lena nods. She takes a second to take stock of her body and registers the dulled sensation.</p><p>“Morphine?” she asks as she opens and closes her left hand where a tube is connected to somewhere in her headboard.</p><p>“We had to. You were in so much pain, we could barely move you. There’s a switch behind you so you can adjust the amount as soon as the effects wear off.” Alex explains.</p><p>“When was the last time I was given a dose?”</p><p>“About four hours ago.” Just about enough time for the effects to wear off, Lena mentally calculates.</p><p>“Then remove it. I don’t want it.”</p><p>“Lena, your body is in pain and it needs to recover—“</p><p>“Don’t make me call my lawyers, Alex.” Lena says evenly.</p><p>Alex sighs. “Okay. I’ll get the doctor in charge of you. I’ll be back in five.” Lena watches as Alex moves to exit the small, private chamber.</p><p>“Alex?” She calls out, stopping the older Danvers in her tracks. “Will you please wind down the AC to as low as it can go?”</p><p>Alex frowns but says nothing. She fiddles with the AC panel near the door and immediately, Lena feels, although dully, the comforting blast of cold air.</p><p>“Thank you,” she says at the retreating figure of Alex and closes her eyes.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>About twenty minutes later, Lena opens her eyes to the sound of the electronic door hissing open.</p><p>“Jesus, Lena. It’s like the freaking Antarctic in here.” Alex says as she enters the room and immediately moves to adjust the temp in the AC panel.</p><p>“No, Alex. Please.” Lena hates that her voice came out the way it did: desperate, scared, pleading. But it stops Alex and that was more than enough for Lena.</p><p>“I don’t mind it,” an unfamiliar voice behind Alex says.</p><p>“Right. Fine.” Alex says and moves out of the way and towards Lena’s bed. “Lena, this is Dr. Taja Cunningham. She is our Chief Medical Officer and in charge of your recovery.” Alex gestures to the smaller woman in a white coat.</p><p>Lena nods, noting the intense amethyst eyes, shoulder length hair so deeply red it almost looks black, and the high cheekbones. She could not have been more than twenty three.</p><p>“Don’t take this the wrong way, Dr. Cunningham, but aren’t you a little too young to be their Chief Medical Officer?” Lena asks, her expression neutral.</p><p>Amethyst eyes wrinkles to an amused smile. “Please, call me Taja. And yes, I always get that. Can I say that ‘I look young for my age’ and leave it at that? There’s also that I’m a child prodigy, which I’m sure you can relate to, what with you being a CEO at twenty-five and what? Four unrelated PHD’s at twenty-four?”</p><p>Lena scoffs but concedes. “Touché.”</p><p>“So, Alex tells me you want the morphine drip gone?”</p><p>“Please.” Lena responds with a nod.</p><p>Taja takes a second to consider. “And you are aware that this is against medical advice?”</p><p>“Yes.”</p><p>“Very well.” Taja taps at the heavy-looking tablet she was cradling and presents it and an electronic pen to Lena. In due consideration, she does not handover the tablet, but supports it as Lena reads the file in front of her before signing.</p><p>Satisfied, Taja places the tablet at the bedside table while she fiddles at something behind the headboard that Lena could not see. The pain in her neck is slowly intensifying as the effects of the morphine subsides.</p><p> </p><p>“So, let me have it, Doc. How bad is it?” Lena asks.</p><p>“I’ll send you your updated file in a bit, but the short of it: Hairline fractures all over, but a lot of it on your pelvis, ribs and thigh bones. Your left shoulder was dislocated when you came in. A lot of deep bruising too but notably on your wrists, pelvic region, and chest. At least your windpipe isn’t crushed despite how your neck looks right now. And then, of course, there’s severe micro-tears on—“</p><p>“Careful, Taja. Alex looks like she’s about to pass out.” Lena cuts the doctor off. She especially does not want to hear about that part. It’s just a little too convenient that Alex really does look pale.</p><p>Taja turns around to check on Alex briefly before looking back at Lena with a knowing smile.</p><p>“Also, I am obliged to inform you that you are free to seek private care outside of the DEO, of course. But I would insist that you stay here so I can monitor your recovery personally. It’s also a little bit less of a hassle to explain to the next doctor who will take care of you, in case you do opt to move to your facility of choice, how all of this—“she gestures at Lena, “—happened. Don’t you think?”</p><p>Lena wants to say that she hasn’t even considered moving to a private facility. Instead, she refocuses and turns to another question.</p><p>“Estimated recovery period?”</p><p>“Physically? Six to eight weeks. Although, I would personally insist on getting the full eight weeks.”</p><p>Lena understands the rest that the good doctor doesn’t say. Mentally? Psychologically? A lifetime. Perhaps.</p><p>“Taja—“ Alex speaks up, the temperature of the room giving her voice a slight tremble. “—is it really wise for Lena to go off the morphine?”</p><p>Lena glances at her left hand and was mildly surprised to find that the tube is no longer there. She trains her eyes back at Taja and finds the plastic tube neatly wrapped around Taja’s hand. <em>When did she—</em></p><p>“That’s really up to Lena, Alex. And as far as I can see, she has a very high tolerance for pain. Right now, the effects of the morphine should be gone or at least receding and the pain shouldn’t even allow her to be coherent enough to talk to us, yet here we are.”</p><p>Alex nods.</p><p>“And Kara?” Lena asks.</p><p>She could sense the change in Alex’s demeanor although notes that Taja looks unperturbed but considerate nonetheless.</p><p>“Unfortunately, I cannot discuss the conditions of another patient with you, Lena, as I’m sure you’re aware. So, if you have no more questions for me, I’ll leave you two to talk.”</p><p>Taja does not wait for Lena to respond but gathers her things and glides out of the room silently.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“I want to see her, Alex.” Lena says firmly as soon as the automatic door closes.</p><p>“I don’t think that’s a good idea, right now. I mean, physically, Kara is fine. But she is devastated, inconsolable, and angry at herself. She hasn’t spoken to any of us except to ask about your condition. She refuses to eat, she hasn’t slept at all since waking up. I’m afraid that if she sees you in this condition—“</p><p>“Then let her know I’m fine, Alex. Let her know that I don’t hold any of this against her. That I don’t blame her. That there’s nothing to forgive because none of this is her fault.” Lena feels the beginning of tears threatening to spill over and she centers herself, willing the tears to stop because she can’t even lift her arms anymore.</p><p>“Tell her I miss my best friend,” she says, finally, in a small voice.</p><p>“Lena…I don’t think that’s—maybe if we first talk to a psyc—“ Alex begins to say.</p><p>Anger, indignant and simmering, suddenly forms at the pit of Lena’s stomach but she tempers herself and in the most even voice, she says, “I know what I need to process, Alex. I don’t need another doctor to tell me the value or validity of my feelings, or how I should feel. I was there. I experienced every excruciating moment of it. I did not pass out nor did I go into some headspace where it looks like I’m watching myself being brutally manhandled by an infected Kryptonian. My memory will not allow me to forget every single painful moment of it. So spare me the psychobabble and tell Kara that I do not and will never blame her for a single second of it, and that her best friend is here if she wants to talk.”</p><p>Alex says nothing but just nods.</p><p>“And please let me have my phone back. Regardless of what you told Jess, she tends to worry and I’m afraid she might have a heart attack if she doesn’t hear from me soon. Thank you.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Lena, anticipating the avalanche of gift baskets, balloons, and flowers, tells Jess and Sam that if she so much as sees a single gift in her room while she recovers, they are fired. She sends a similarly worded text to their group chat but instead instructs them to donate the money to charity. And so, Lena’s room remains unbothered by gifts and flowers.</p><p>L-Corp and CatCo employees were informed that Lena is taking a much needed vacation and Sam and James are left in charge of each company respectively. Investors were informed of the same but with an added assurance that Lena is still being made aware of everything that is happening in the company and that should the need arise, she will end her vacation and take care of things, but that she is also confident of the people she left in charge.</p><p>Jess, James, Sam and Ruby visit her on weekends but is with her via chat most of the time. Whenever Alex is at the DEO, she drops by in the morning, joins her for lunch, barring any emergencies, and says goodbye before she leaves for home. Taja checks in on her every 10am and 8pm. Winn, in an effort to keep Lena’s mind from spinning into boredom, brings Lena a new broken ‘toy’ to fix whenever possible. The latest one he brings is a stun gun that doesn’t so much stun as just sort of fizzles out when fired. Lena suspects Winn knows how to fix it but is grateful for the distraction nonetheless.</p><p>Everyone, but Taja, loudly complains about the temperature in Lena’s room, going so far as installing an extra locker so they could all store their jackets there and not have to bring one every time they visit her, but they do not change the temperature. Lena is adamant about this one thing at least.</p><p>(Winn tried, once, when Lena was asleep. Lena, of course, finds out and for the next few days, Winn’s bank account is mysteriously emptied, all access to his gadgets are restricted, and in a show of just how much Lena Luthor can fuck up a life without leaving her bed, Winn’s WoW main account, with all of his high level characters, is deleted. He apologized profusely, and promised never to touch the AC panel again. With a few keystrokes, it was as if nothing happened. His bank account is back to what it was. His gadgets are now accessible to him again, and his WoW account is back to normal. Everyone collectively decided to leave the AC panel alone and stick to just grumbling about it.)</p><p>She has her laptop, a few books to read at night, and Winn’s latest monstrosity of a ‘toy’ to keep her mind occupied away from the constant pain. But still…no Kara.</p><p>Even Mon-El drops by and brings with him a chessboard.</p><p>“I’ve seen you play with Alex and Winn. I asked Kara to teach me before but she says she’s not really good at it. So, I thought maybe you’d like to teach me,” he says with that boyish grin that Lena just wants to rip off his stupid face. But she relents. After all, while she is missing a best friend, surely, Mon-El must be missing Kara just as much, if not more so.</p><p>She teaches him the basics, how the board is arranged, how each piece moves, and a few tips for beginners. All she asks in return is for Mon-El never to visit her in his Supersuit. She offhandedly told him he looks like he’s got a onesie with a cape and diaper hidden inside. This makes Mon-El blush furiously, but he agrees and Lena mercifully never sees the Daxamite in his suit again.</p><p>“I tried to see her the other day, you know.” Mon-El casually mentions while in the middle of a game. Lena takes his queen-side knight. “She won’t talk to me. She won’t talk to anyone. Not even to Alex.” He moves a pawn forward.</p><p>Lena hums noncommittally and checkmates Mon-El.</p><p>“Damn. Where did that bishop come from?” Mon-El mutters but looks at the time. “Thanks for the time, Lena. I’ll leave the chessboard here and we can play again next time.”</p><p>“Are you off to see her?” Lena asks.</p><p>“No. She apparently told Dr. Cunningham that she refuses to see anyone and wants to be left alone. Alex and Dr. Cunningham had a huge fight about it yesterday, but of course, the doctor won and everyone is just giving Kara space now. She goes out from time to time to help out whenever there’s a big bad alien of the week kind of trouble. But as soon as that’s finished, she hands in her paperwork, wears the power dampeners, and goes quietly back to her cell,” he explains before leaving.</p><p>By the end of her second week, the pain has become less excruciating and more of an inconvenience. Most of the bruising has gone down significantly. Her neck though, still makes her look like she’s wearing a blue-ish purple collar all the time. She hasn’t stopped asking for Kara.</p><p>By her third week, Lena is in an electric wheelchair, and roaming around wherever she is allowed to. Instead of Alex, Winn and Taja visiting her, she visits them in their office, insisting that if they don’t allow her to do this, she will literally go insane.</p><p>She waits for Kara at the bullpen especially when she knows they’ve just been on a mission. But Kara is getting better and better at dodging her. She tries to visit Kara again but was turned away immediately. <em>As if that has ever stopped her before.</em></p><p> </p><p>Technically, by the end of her third week, she is allowed to go home (but not go to work or her lab) with strict instructions on what she is and isn’t allowed to do. She still isn’t allowed to put any weight on her legs so she has to remain on her wheelchair. She doesn’t go home though, opting instead to work out of the DEO. But at least she now knows where Kara is keeping herself isolated and a plan forms in her head.</p><p>Not wishing to wait any longer, Lena decides to take matters into her own hands, drags herself to her chair at midnight and hacks the lock where Kara is holding herself in isolation. It isn’t really that hard to do.</p><p> </p><p>“Lena…” Kara whispers as soon as Lena enters her holding area (the same one they used for Purity) and stops when Kara begins pacing anxiously inside the glass cage. She has barely made it past the door.</p><p>“I have the Hobbit, Sorcerer’s Stone, and Fragile Things, which would you like me to read?” Lena asks, staring at strange blue eyes that refuse to meet her.</p><p>“What are you doing here? I told Alex and Taja that—“</p><p>“And since when have I done what people expect me to do? You should know better, Kara.” Lena arches a perfect eyebrow and waits. She sees the agitation and uncertainty in Kara’s body. Tense as a guitar string, she continues to pace back and forth.</p><p>“Y—you’re not safe here.” Kara retorts still not meeting Lena’s gaze. She looks like a caged lion, uncertain, afraid, and ready to pounce out of fear.</p><p>“Please.” Lena drawls and rolls her eyes. “Next to my home, this is the safest place there is. I am surrounded by highly trained agents, housed in a secure facility and in the presence of Supergirl. That’s about as safe as I can be, all things considered.”</p><p>“That’s not—you—you’re not safe…from me.” Kara stammers, clearly stressing out and increasingly becoming agitated, but Lena does not relent.</p><p>“Oh? How so?”</p><p>“Lena…I—I hurt you. I did terrible things to you. You’re not safe here with me.”</p><p>“Are you still infected with the Red Kryptonite?”</p><p>“What? No! But that—“</p><p>“Then I don’t see what the problem is. Now for the love of God, choose a book, sit down, or lie down or whatever, and let me read to you.”</p><p>Kara stops pacing. “Why?”</p><p>“Hmm? Oh because Alex tells me you don’t sleep.” Lena answers simply.</p><p> </p><p>It was near the beginning of their friendship when Kara invited Lena for a sleepover and Kara confessed that sometimes she has trouble sleeping, heightened senses and all that. So Lena offered to read to her so Kara can focus on her voice and drown out the rest of National City. It worked beautifully. And from time to time, whenever Kara has trouble sleeping, she would call Lena on her phone and let the CEO read whatever book is available. It usually takes five minutes for her to fall asleep.</p><p> </p><p>“Lena…”</p><p>“Kara, just choose a book, you could be well on your way to actually resting. Now. Choose.” Lena says firmly, leaving no room for Kara to protest.</p><p>After a few anxious minutes, Kara sighs and sits at the farthest corner of her cage, approximately twenty feet away from Lena. “Fragile Things, Monarch of the Glen.” Kara murmurs so softly, Lena barely hears it.</p><p>“Very good.” Lena says before she opens the book and proceeds to read. It doesn’t take too long before Lena hears Kara’s soft snores. Lena looks up and all the pain in the world will never compare to seeing her best friend, huddled at a corner, weak, vulnerable and broken.</p><p>“Goodnight, Kara,” she whispers before quietly wheeling out of the holding area.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Goddamit, Luthor, stop hacking into our things.” Alex says as she enters Lena’s room, rudely pulling Lena out of her sleep. Lena hears a locker slam shut and sees Alex wear someone else’s jacket, shivering in the cold.</p><p>“What?” Lena asks, groggy from sleep.</p><p>“Last night, when you broke into Kara’s—“</p><p>Lena cuts Alex off. “Did you ask her how her sleep was?”</p><p>“She—what?”</p><p>“She fell asleep. After three weeks of barely any sleep, I left her room last night and she was snoring.”</p><p>Alex’s eyes narrows. “What did you do, Luthor?”</p><p>Lena scoffs. “Please, don’t be disgusting Alex.”</p><p>“Wha—I wasn’t thinking <em>that</em>.”</p><p>“Sure you weren’t.” Lena’s eye rolls.</p><p>“What did you do?” Alex insists.</p><p>Lena shrugs and shows her the copy of Fragile Things. “I read to her.”</p><p>“That’s it?” Alex asks, disbelief evident in her voice.</p><p>“Check the cameras. I couldn’t have been there for more than twenty minutes, I think. We argued for a little bit because she wouldn’t pick a book. And when she did, it took about ten minutes and she was out.” Lena says simply.</p><p>“So, that’s it? Just read her a book?”</p><p>“Pretty much, yes.”</p><p>Alex is silent and Lena takes this as an opportunity to try and go back to sleep but its too late and she gives it up.</p><p>Instead, she tests her body, slowly feeling each pained throb.</p><p>She has read her full file and knows where all the fractured pieces are. She knows which parts to exhaust and which parts she must avoid using.  She knows where every scarred and bruised and damaged tissue is. She knows how unhealthy her coping mechanisms are. She knows…</p><p>Her body will heal but she has always known how broken she truly is, how hopelessly beyond repair she is.</p><p>But gods will be damned to all the circles of hell if she lets the only ray of sunshine in her life be diminished under her watch.</p><p>By the fourth week, her room has become a mini-laboratory and she has fallen into a routine. She has breakfast with Winn and Alex in the morning, back to her room to do some light e-mail reading and send out a few queries here and there about things that catch her attention, Taja’s check-up at 10, back to e-mail reading and excel sheets, lunch, then physical therapy, then she spends the rest of the day tinkering or reading.</p><p>At midnight, she wheels towards Kara’s holding area.</p><p>Alex has given up berating her about repeatedly hacking Kara’s door and instead hands her an access card, muttering something about how they can no longer afford to keep upgrading their security because a god-tier hacker just can’t follow the rules.</p><p>Even after several nights, Kara is still tense, still wary of Lena and would not dare go near her. Every time Lena tries to inch closer, Kara looks like she just might claw her way out through the wall just to keep her distance, but Lena is patient and relents and reads to her from afar.</p><p>Tonight, however, Lena brings food.</p><p>If she can’t come to Kara, then Kara will come to her.</p><p>Kara is wiry but bone thin. By some miracle, she has survived the past few weeks with only a few scratches, but everyone has noticed how lifeless and gray she seems. Her cheeks are gaunt and even her hair looks heavy and dull. According to Alex and Mon-El, she eats like a supermodel trying to maintain her figure, which is the exact opposite of how Kara is normally.</p><p>“I have a large meatlovers’ pizza, with extra bacon, and a couple orders of potstickers. Eat, before I read to you.” Lena says, biting her bottom lip as she tries not to hiss at the pain that stabs her as she slowly puts the food on the floor. She has decided early on that, apart from the electric wheelchair, she will not allow Kara to see her in pain.</p><p>Kara stares at the box, then somewhere just below Lena’s eyes, then back at the pizza box.</p><p>“W—will you…w—will you eat with me?” Kara asks.</p><p>“Sure, but you’re going to have to get out of that cage and get the food from here. I brought my own salad and there’s soda in the bag too.” Lena replies with the patience of a saint.</p><p>Kara looks uncertain but slowly, she moves out and sits, cross-legged, on the floor, a few feet in front of Lena. Tentatively, she reaches out and opens the box of pizza laid before her and studies it before taking a slice.</p><p>Lena takes this all in for a few minutes before she begins digging into her salad.</p><p>They eat in silence, Kara on the floor with a box of pizza and potstickers laid out before her, and Lena on an electric wheelchair, spearing kale out of a Tupperware. When the boxes are emptied, Kara picks them up and stacks them on top of a garbage bin near the door. Wordlessly, she returns to her cage, and sits in the corner as she usually does. “October in the Chair,” she says and Lena nods in understanding. She opens her book and begins to read.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Spurred by this new development, everyone begins to bring food they think Kara would like. She still refuses to see or speak with anybody else except Lena, not even Mon-El.</p><p> And when Lena made the mistake of saying who brought which food, Kara refused to eat it. Soon it became clear that Kara will only accept things that are from Lena. Unwilling to lie to her best friend, she tells everyone not to bring any more food, and takes it upon herself to order their meals personally. Alex offers to pay for Kara’s meals but Lena declines.</p><p>“I’m the richest person in this side of the planet, Alex. If you think Kara’s appetite is going to put a dent in my bank account, then you clearly have no idea just how much L-Corp alone makes me by the hour,” she says in mock offense. Alex sighs and thanks her anyways.</p><p>They still don’t talk much. Lena knows she has pushed Kara as far as she can and is now just waiting on her best friend to start opening up again. Most nights, the only thing that Kara says is a murmured ‘thank you for the food’ and the title of the short story or poem she wants Lena to read. Lena never gets to finish any of it because Kara almost immediately falls asleep, as if Lena’s voice is the trigger she needs, a permission to close her eyes and be rid of the tortures of the days, at least for a few hours.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>A couple of weeks later, in the middle of their quiet dinner, Lena breaks the news she’s been dreading to tell Kara.</p><p>“I’m going home on Saturday. Taja has cleared me for work and I can return home. Will you still be staying here?” Lena asks tentatively.</p><p>There is a pregnant pause that allows Lena to imagine a thousand different ways Kara could respond, but none of them—absolutely none of them—is close enough to what Kara eventually says.</p><p>“The lab—the one where you kept Reign…can I—can I maybe stay there?”</p><p>Lena searches Kara’s face. She still refuses to look at Lena, opting to stare a little to the right or left, as if it’s much easier for her if Lena is just on her peripheral.</p><p>“I don’t mind. It would save me the drive from L-Corp to here just to feed you and read you stories. But why would you want to stay there? Don’t you want to go home?”</p><p>Kara doesn’t answer until she has finished her food and put away the boxes.</p><p>“You said so yourself. It saves you the drive from L-Corp to the DEO. It also keeps me locked up and tucked away from people I might harm if I lose control again.”</p><p>“But Kara—“</p><p>“Feeders and Eaters,” Kara says as she moves back inside her cage and tucks herself again in the corner.</p><p>Lena sighs and opens her book.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Fragile Things, a collection of short stories and poems by the fantastic Neil Gaiman, is my comfort book. I read it when I'm sick, or bored, or for no reason than just wanting to read it. At one point, I read it while crying over a break-up. I have read it so many times, my copy is just battered and riddled with notes now. It may or may not have fallen in the bath at one point. It is always in my bag and I bring it with me wherever I go.</p><p>All the titles Kara rattles off are from that book.</p><p>Fun fact : This whole fic is written while listening to Ramin Djawadi's 'Light of the Seven' on non-stop repeat. It certainly gave Ch1 a mood.</p><p>Also, I need a Beta.<br/>English isn't my first language so it's a bit...tricky. I also need a second pair of eyes. Or a third. DM pls if interested :)</p><p>Come follow me on Twitter and watch me stan Katie McGrath so hard. (I do other dumb stuff there too)<br/>@TheLazyBam</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. The Kindly Jailer</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hi!<br/>Bam here.</p>
<p>Once again, you guys are so awesome and so just goddamn adorable in the comments. Thank you for the kind words and the kudoeses, and keep them coming even though I suck at replying because I'm editing and writing another fic. (Did I mention this one is basically done and I'm just prolonging your torture?)</p>
<p>Again, huge shoutout to Tan (@superc0rps) cause she deserves the bestest cuddles. </p>
<p>So without further ado.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Instead of staying at home like she promised when she finally left the DEO early on a Saturday morning, Lena merely drops her things at home, changes to something more comfortable before heading to L-Corp to rearrange her lab. It had been a few months since Reign was locked up in there and the original containment chamber she created had suffered significant damage (in that it is completely decimated and beyond repair). So Lena spends the better part of her Saturday and Sunday erecting a new containment chamber in the middle of her lab.</p>
<p>This one has remote access from Lena, Alex and Kara’s phone. As Kara requested, Lena had also programmed an override so that if worse comes to worse, Kara won’t be able to get out of the chamber like she usually can. Again, per Kara’s request, only Kara, Lena, and Alex has remote access to the chamber via their phones. The override feature is installed in both Lena and Alex’s phones only.</p>
<p>Alex, of course, hates the idea. She had only acquiesced when it was at the DEO but the thought of locking Kara up somewhere that is not under her control does not sit well with her, and Lena understands this perfectly. But Kara is adamant and will not be persuaded otherwise so in the end, Alex reluctantly agrees. By Sunday evening, Lena is finally done and Kara flies through Lena’s office balcony and rides the private elevator (accessible through a hidden compartment inside Lena’s office) down to Lena’s personal lab.</p>
<p>Kara is still warily keeping her distance, never standing any closer than ten feet from Lena, while she listens to Lena explain things.</p>
<p>That evening, they had Italian and “The Problem of Susan”. Kara has also stopped tucking herself into a corner. Instead, she lays herself on the bed Lena provided for her.</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Because it is simply unhealthy for Kara to be binging on ten thousand calories all at once, once a day, Lena takes it upon herself to splitting this into three meals by bringing Kara breakfast before she starts working, joining her for lunch, and then going back down for dinner and stories before going home. Lena has also asked James to assign remote work for Kara: administrative duties, research, basically anything she can do as long as she has a laptop and internet.</p>
<p>In due consideration to Lena, Kara asks to move their reading session earlier so Lena can go home earlier as well. This suggestion proves useless however since Lena has also taken to moving her work down at her lab as soon as Jess and everyone else goes home.</p>
<p>Mon-El and Alex drop by periodically to bring Kara fresh set of clothes, and to attempt to talk to her. The rest of their friends drop by at least once a week. It has become a thing that Jess, normally not so easily rattled by changes in Lena’s schedule, actually becomes rattled at the number of people suddenly showing up at Lena’s office. Lena takes this all in stride, however and tells their friends to inform her at least a day in advance so as not to make her longsuffering secretary panic. In jest, she tells them she cannot afford to pay her just to die.</p>
<p>Friends from other universes show up too and those are a bit harder to explain to Jess. But all in all, Jess and Lena handle the sudden influx of visitors as well as they can.</p>
<p>All of them, however, are met with somber silence from Kara. Sometimes there are nods, a shrug, or a small smile, but there are never words. While she no longer kicks anybody out, Kara still refuses to talk to anyone but Lena, and even then, they barely talk at all.</p>
<p>The not-kicking-people-out part, Lena takes as progress.</p>
<p>Even though much of their evenings are spent in silence, Lena at least sees that Kara is less tense. Most evenings, when she goes down to her lab, she finds Kara on the bed, meditating, or working on her laptop, instead of pacing like before. When she goes out to be Supergirl, she no longer heaves a long and tired sigh.</p>
<p>After a couple of months, Kara looks at least a little better, not quite a shadow anymore, but more of a pale reflection of her former self. This, too, Lena considers as progress.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>It is not lost on Lena what Kara is really doing to herself.</p>
<p>It is a prison sentence, a lenient one that allows her to get in and out whenever she is needed, but it is a prison sentence nonetheless.</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Three months into this new arrangement and Lena gets a surprise visit that has, frankly, been a long time coming.</p>
<p>“Ms. Luthor.”</p>
<p>Lena swivels her chair around to the source of the unfamiliar baritone and finds Superman standing in her office balcony, in the middle of the day. Of course, Clark Kent can’t be bothered to schedule an appointment like everyone else. Lena sighs and gestures for him to enter.</p>
<p>“Superman.”</p>
<p>“First, I’d like to say sorry about what happened between you and Kara. But I’m glad to see you’ve recovered,” he says in a subdued but sincere tone as soon as he is inside Lena’s office.</p>
<p>“Thank you. Now how can I help you?” Lena asks.</p>
<p>“I’m here to see my cousin, please,” he replies evenly. By the roaming look in his eyes, Lena knows he’s scoping out the entire building, but she chooses not to point this out.</p>
<p>“I’m afraid I’d have to go and ask Kara first.” Lena says.</p>
<p>“I insist on seeing her privately. Kindly release her, please.”</p>
<p>Lena raises a brow at the insinuation but doesn’t engage. Instead, she nods and gestures to the wall to her right. At a press of a concealed button beneath her desk, the wall opens to reveal an elevator.</p>
<p>Lena heads to the elevator and waits for Superman to follow before pressing one of only two buttons inside.</p>
<p>“I’m not sure how much Alex has told you, but just a bit of a heads up, Mr. Kent, Kara might refuse to talk to you. But no matter what it looks like, she is a guest at L-Corp and the moment she asks you to leave, I’m afraid I’m going to have to <em>strongly</em> insist that you do.”</p>
<p>The threat is not lost on both of them. Lena has the home court advantage after all. Clark nods and says nothing.</p>
<p>When the elevator shudders to a stop and opens, they find Kara meditating in the middle of her containment chamber, as she usually does.</p>
<p>Lena exits the elevator and stands to one side, eyes watching as the other Kryptonian walks carefully towards Kara.</p>
<p>“Kara,” Clark starts, “it’s me.”</p>
<p>Kara gives no indication that she’s heard anything and continues to sit still, legs crossed, shoulders and spine straight, breathing even.</p>
<p>Lena glances at Clark who was starting to look uncertain, so she decides to help out. She moves towards the chamber, still careful to keep her distance. “Kara, I’m afraid I can’t stay long. So, I’m going to have to leave you with Mr. Kent. If you need anything, just shoot me a message. Okay?”</p>
<p>Kara barely nods but that was enough for Lena and she starts walking back towards Clark.</p>
<p>“I’ll leave you two to talk,” she says before heading back up.</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Her day is filled with meetings and planning sessions that by the time she hauls herself back to her office, hours later, Jess has gone home and Lena has almost forgotten about Clark being there.</p>
<p>It’s a genuine surprise then when she enters her office, feet screaming for relief, a looming threat of a migraine in her very near future, and she finds Superman standing in the middle of her office with a grim look on his face, his fierce blue eyes trained on Lena.</p>
<p>“Ms. Luthor, agreeing to Kara’s absurd demand to be locked up isn’t doing her any favors. I insist that you let her go and allow me take her to Smallville.”</p>
<p>Lena scoffs and reaches for a glass of water.</p>
<p>“Hello again, Mr. Kent.” Lena says as she pours water for herself.</p>
<p>After suffering through back to back meetings with leering narcissists, she’s just about had it with people who always think they know better. And while she does not entirely agree with her brother about all the ideas he espouses, she can see Lex’s point about Clark’s messianic complex.</p>
<p>Well gods don’t need water so she does not offer any to the other Kryptonian.</p>
<p>“Before today, when was the last time you saw Kara, Mr. Kent?” Lena asks after she finishes her glass. She heads back to her chair and stifles a groan as her back finally relaxes.</p>
<p>“A little over a year ago, but we’ve remained in constant communication.” Clark answers.</p>
<p>“Constant as in?”</p>
<p>“We check-in via calls or texts every now and again.”</p>
<p>“I see,” Lena nods, “So, in the three months since Kara moved into my lab, and the month and a half before that where she was locked in the DEO, how often did you ‘check-in’ with her?”</p>
<p>Clark stymies and says nothing.</p>
<p>“Or did Alex have to reach out to you before you even thought of visiting your <em>beloved</em> cousin? And if so, what makes you think that your opinion on how Kara should try and heal is better than Kara’s herself?” Lena could hear the tremor in her voice, the rising anger and frustration. And though she tries to keep her emotions in check, she is exhausted by the day and her nerves are frayed.</p>
<p>“I’m not saying I know better. I’m saying that locking her up isn’t the way to help her. I’m saying you have to let her go.” Clark insists firmly.</p>
<p>“Or what? Fight me and drag Kara out? I don’t<em> have</em> to let her go because I’m not the one keeping her locked in here. Kara is free to do what she wants. At a push of a button on her phone, the protective barrier drops. It’s how she’s been able to independently move in and out of my lab when she has to help protect National City.”</p>
<p>Clark blinks. “What do you mean?”</p>
<p>Lena sighs. Did she really have to explain this? “Kara’s life as a ‘human’ has always been about control, as I’m sure you’re well aware. Every day, you have to regulate how much pressure you use on normal objects. Even something as simple as a hug is fine-tuned so you know just how tight you can go before you break a person in half. Your powers have to be limited and controlled for you to fit in. Red K breaks that control. And when she lost it…she broke me.”</p>
<p>There is no hesitation, no tremor, no whisper of accusation in Lena’s voice.</p>
<p>“What she’s doing is taking that control back. Slowly and on her own terms. Everything that we are doing now is regulated by Kara, herself. From the books I read to her, to the food she eats. Sure, I push back sometimes and take liberties where I can, but I only suggest and prod and point. It is entirely up to her what she wants to do. To insist on letting her relinquish that control again just so you can feel good about yourself and pretend you are the loving, doting cousin…well you might as well just give her another shot of Red K…and Mr. Kent, I don’t think she’s ever going to recover if that happens again.”</p>
<p>Clark sighs “Look, I respect Kara’s wish to be left alone. And I honestly appreciate everything you’ve done for her. But I just can’t see how that is going to help her heal. She needs to be free again, to be with the man she loves and the family and friends who miss her. I must once again insist that you let her go, Ms. Luthor.”</p>
<p>Lena rolls her eyes and centers herself.</p>
<p>“So, we’re back to thinking that I’m the one who is keeping her here. I guess that’s fine. I’m more than happy to paint myself as the villain in this story. No, actually, I would gladly <em>be</em> the villain to protect Kara from everyone who thinks they know better than her about what she needs.”</p>
<p>Clark shuffles uneasily but persists. “You’re not a villain, Ms. Luthor and I’m not saying that. But surely, that incident has affected you too, beyond breaking your body. It’s like the blind leading the blind here. You lost control too. And I think this, in a way, is you controlling her.”</p>
<p>Lena scowls. She feels the throbbing in her head intensify and she balls her fist tight. <em>How dare—</em></p>
<p>“I would have thought by now you’ve learned that when it comes to Luthors, you should not assume anything. I never lost control that day because I never had it. The best I could hope for was to buy time. I had no delusions of having any control against an unrestrained Kryptonian, the bruises and the fractures on my body can attest to that. All I felt was helplessness but not for me. No, I felt helpless because I couldn’t help my friend. I couldn’t help the person I love the most.”</p>
<p>“Ms. Luthor, I—“</p>
<p>“The problem,” Lena continues, completely ignoring Clark’s protest, “is that people look at me like I should be the broken one. Like I should have the bigger chip on my shoulder. Or like I would be using that experience to finally be the villain people still cast me as. But the truth is, only my body was broken that day. And bodies heal. I took about a couple of months to do that. But what Kara did to me under the influence of Red K broke <em>her</em> mind and <em>her</em> spirit…and those, Mr. Kent, take a lot longer to heal.”</p>
<p>Clark rubs the back of his neck. “Again, I am aware that this is more complicated than it seems. Kara needs time and space to heal, I get that. But she needs to do it surrounded by friends and family, outside of stifling barriers and chambers. That’s what Kara has always been about. And I know you’ve spent an inordinate amount of money—“</p>
<p>“Oh so now, it’s about money? Listen, Mr. Kent, this is the help that Kara wants, that Kara asked for. And I can promise you, I will drain every single dollar on my account to give it to her. I will bankrupt L-Corp and liquidate all my assets if that’s what it takes. But I will not push for something Kara does not want, that Kara cannot control. And if you continue this line of thinking, then I must insist that you go back the way you came, before I show you just how much of a Luthor I can truly be.”</p>
<p>For a second, Clark just stands and scowls back at Lena. Lena, on the other hand, ignores him and begins to gather her things so she can go back down and start working again. She has wasted far too much time with people like him today, she isn’t about to waste any more.</p>
<p>Eventually, he starts towards the balcony and mutters “Good evening, Ms. Luthor” before taking off.</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Dinner is Chinese from Kara’s favorite restaurant, with extra potstickers, and salad for Lena. Lena has set up a table outside of the chamber where Kara can eat properly instead of sitting on the floor. They are still separated: Lena sitting by her work desk in the lab and Kara about ten feet away, on the new table.</p>
<p>“You should take the money in my account to pay for my meals.” Kara says quietly.</p>
<p>This jars Lena for a moment but she quickly recovers. “And have you bankrupt within the month? Please. As I told Alex before, if you think that all this is even going to affect my bank account, then all of you are sorely underestimating just how much money I make by the minute. Besides, I spend more on my dresses in one week than you do on your food in a month.”</p>
<p>“I can’t rely on you all the time, Lena.” Kara answers. “I don’t want to burden you any more than I already have. I’ve already hurt you enough.”</p>
<p>Lena sighs. <em>This again.</em></p>
<p>“For the love of—what is it with everyone today and thinking they know me and what I want and what I am capable of doing?” she throws the question out loud, not really expecting an answer.</p>
<p>“I heard your talk with Kal.”</p>
<p>Lena pauses and blinks at Kara who was still avoiding Lena’s eyes.</p>
<p>“And you agree with him? Do you want to go to Smallville with him?”</p>
<p>“No.” Kara says, deflated.</p>
<p>“Then what is it?”</p>
<p>“I don’t want to bother you anymore, Lena. I know you’re not going to complain, but I also know how inconvenient it is for people in my life to keep dropping in your office all the time just to visit me, no matter how much I insist on not seeing them. You have adjusted your entire world and sacrificed your privacy, something I know you value so much, just so you could cater to me. I may not be under the influence of Red K anymore, but I am still inadvertently hurting you with my selfishness. And I don’t want to hurt you anymore, Lena.”</p>
<p>Lena carefully drops her salad-filled Tupperware on her desk and straightens herself in her chair.</p>
<p>“Kara Zor-El, you listen to me,” Lena says, her voice commanding, steady, and low. “You are never a bother nor an inconvenience to me. This is your journey towards healing and I’m just along for the ride. If you want to take this turn and go, then you are free to do so.”</p>
<p>“You’re not going to try and stop me?” Kara asks, and there is something small and broken in it that almost makes Lena want to run to Kara and gather her friend in her arms—to hold her and never, ever, let her go. But she doesn’t…she couldn’t.</p>
<p>“No, Kara. I mean, I’m gonna be sad, sure. Mostly because I’ve grown used to your presence here. But this is a decision you must make and I must respect. All I ask is that you make sure that you are making this decision, independent of what anybody expects of you. This decision must be yours and yours alone and for no one else but yourself. Besides, if you change your mind, you know where to find me. My name is on the building, after all.”</p>
<p>The rest of the evening is spent in silence.</p>
<p>Lena continues to work until midnight when, like clockwork, Kara says “The Day the Saucers Came,” and Lena reaches out towards her battered copy and begins, as she has done every night for nearly five months, to read Kara to sleep.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>But for the first time, Lena does not stop when Kara inevitably falls asleep. She reads the entire poem and weeps silent tears when it ends. She wonders then if Kara knew…</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Lena arrives the next morning and finds the lab and the chamber empty. She shouldn’t be surprised. In fact, she expected it. When she woke up that morning, she braced herself and silently reassured herself that whatever she finds in her lab will be the thing that Kara wants and is therefore the best decision at the moment. Lena was sure, that morning, she is going to be fine.</p>
<p>So now she questions her convictions as she walks towards the silent chamber, the echo of her heels clacking too loudly in the cavernous underground lab. And then she sees it. And it shatters her heart in a million pieces that for a moment, Lena does not understand why her heart is still beating.</p>
<p>On top of Kara’s bed is a small piece of paper with a single word in Kara’s careful handwriting:</p>
<p>
  <em>Smallville.</em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>And Lena wishes she could be angry or sad or… <em>just anything.</em></p>
<p>Instead, all Lena feels is this sudden onslaught of sheer emptiness. It is intense, gnawing, and deeply overwhelming. It is nothing and everything all at once and Lena couldn’t put a handle on it.</p>
<p>It is a void.</p>
<p>Lena decides that that is what she feels; a deep hole of absolute nothingness that threatens to engulf anything and everything around her in an effort to be something, to be anything.</p>
<p>She tells herself that she should be happy. This is Kara’s decision, after all. She pushed her the night before, told her that she would support her in whatever she decides. And now, she’s being a fucking hypocrite by being this confused, selfish friend who wishes Kara never went away.</p>
<p><em>Inhale</em>.</p>
<p>She carefully folds the note and almost reverently places it in her pocket.</p>
<p>
  <em>Center.</em>
</p>
<p>She calls Jess to cancel all the security passes of people in Kara’s list.</p>
<p>Exhale.</p>
<p>And that she will not be accepting any walk-in visitors for the foreseeable future.</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>That evening, and for the first time in a few months, she finds the blue-eyed blonde sitting on her bed once again. Lena strips down to her underwear and tells the blonde that she will not stop on a safeword, only a broken paddle. She prepares her bath beforehand, fills it with nothing but ice so that by the time they are done, some of it has melted.</p>
<p>The blonde hesitates but eventually does as she’s ordered and brings down the paddle again and again. And Lena begins to feel… something.</p>
<p>Pain.</p>
<p>She begs then, not for the pain to stop. No.</p>
<p>She begs for forgiveness for being a shitty friend, for being a hypocrite, for not being happy for her best friend.</p>
<p>And when the paddle finally breaks, and the blonde has left, and Lena crawls to her bathroom and, with great effort, hauls herself in the ice water, Lena begs again.</p>
<p>
  <em>“Please, come back.”</em>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>1. I may or may not be sorry.<br/>2. "The Day the Saucers Came" is one of the most wonderfully painful poems I have ever come across. I advise you to read it.<br/>3. Please do not try what Lena did at home. Just...dont. Paddles are designed not to break so easily.<br/>4. Coping mechanisms are hard things to break too.<br/>5. Come follow me on Twitter and watch me stan Katie McGrath so hard. (I do other dumb stuff there too)<br/>@TheLazyBam</p>
<p>I accept all the rage and the anger in the comments.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Safe Word</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hi!<br/>Bam here.</p>
<p>Have I told you guys how awesome you all are? Because you are, with the comments and the kuds.</p>
<p>So this is the un-beta'd version and all mistakes are mine (cause I wrote it). When my awesome beta comes back to me with a document filled with red marks and comments, I'll update this.</p>
<p>In the meantime, enjoy.  And as always, please let me know what you think ^^,</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Alex calls to tell her that Kara is—but she never hears the end of whatever Alex was going to say because she puts her phone down. She changes her number that afternoon.</p>
<p>Winn tries an e-mail, but he gets blocked. He tries some more and Lena shuts down the DEO’s internet access for ten minutes, with a warning that if he continues, she will shut the DEO down for good.</p>
<p>James and Sam both receive a strongly worded e-mail that all communications must be work-related or they will not be entertained and consequences will be doled out for repeated offense. It’s about as subtle as a hot pink monster truck in the middle of downtown National City.</p>
<p>Painfully, Ruby gets muted, too.</p>
<p>And Jess?</p>
<p>Jess is the gatekeeper and knows her place under the sun. Lena suspects she’s just relieved that the walk-ins and abrupt changes to Lena’s schedule have suddenly stopped.</p>
<p>There’s still a void inside her, all-consuming. And Lena fills it with work, and pain, and getting her 5<sup>th</sup> PhD (in Quantum Physics, because if you’re going to overachieve, might as well go ham on it).</p>
<p>L-Corp is doing better than ever. Her charities are doing great.</p>
<p>Fridays, she gets her fix. And the blonde has to buy new paddles and canes because Lena inevitably breaks them every time now. And she crawls back again to her ice bath and crawls back out to her freezing room and doesn’t even bother wiping herself down. In the arctic of her room, she closes her eyes. It is also the only night where she gets to sleep properly.</p>
<p>Most other nights, however, her memory, eidetic and unyielding, lets her relive that day. She sees Kara on top of her. She feels Kara’s weight and she hears her bones crack and her lungs complain. She hears again and again how much she should want this, how much she should enjoy this. She feels Kara’s warm breath on her ears, taunting, whispering promises of greater pain, and greater pleasure. She knows all the places Kara’s tongue has traced and dipped into. She knows the line Kara’s lips have traced and the places where her teeth has sunk. She feels the calloused hand on her neck as it controls her breathing, squeezing precisely to just before the point where she blacks out.</p>
<p>Every detail is vivid, fresh, and unchanged. She wakes up in a cold sweat and doesn’t dare go back to sleep again. To make matters worse, she finds a pool of sleek, warm wetness between her thighs and she sighs and silently curses.</p>
<p>It goes on for countless days, stretched to infinity by the knowledge that no, she will really never be better.</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>And then infinity stops and restarts when one evening, she finds Superman on her office balcony once again. She would have turned him away if not for the thin, frail thing, wrapped in what surely must be Supergirl’s cape, held safely in his arms.</p>
<p>And as if the fires of hell itself set her ass on fire, Lena was out of her chair and opening her balcony door.</p>
<p>“She told me to tell you… your name is on the building.” Clark says, his voice subdued.</p>
<p>Lena wordlessly crosses back to her chair and presses the hidden button. The one she almost had removed.</p>
<p>“What did she mean, Ms. Luthor?“ Clark asks as they rode the elevator down.</p>
<p>“I told her, if she changes her mind, to come find me. My name is on the building.” Lena says quietly.</p>
<p>The elevator doors open and Lena was in full work mode. Her mind had created a list of steps to be taken and Lena is following it automatically. She hasn’t noticed her heart pumping double time, or the fact that the void—</p>
<p>She tells Clark to put Kara on the bed in the chamber and step out.</p>
<p>Clark nods and gently lays Kara—or the version of Kara hidden under the cape and the ill-fitting suit—on the bed inside the chamber. He places a reverent kiss on her forehead and steps out as instructed.</p>
<p>Lena, on the other hand, is typing furiously on her computer. As soon as Clark steps out of the chamber, she pushes a button on her phone, and the barrier is up. But unlike the usual white sheen of the barrier, it was a golden yellow.</p>
<p>“Sun lamp?” Clark asks.</p>
<p>“Yes. The barrier can also serve as a yellow sun lamp of sorts. It’s more efficient this way.” Lena answers distractedly as she continues to type on her computer.</p>
<p>“You really have thought of everything for Kara here, haven’t you?”</p>
<p>Lena ignores this. It was an idiotic question. Of course she has thought of everything for Kara. Why would you not do that for the most important person in your life? Why would you miss a single detail and then say that this person is precious to you? It doesn’t make sense.</p>
<p>Kara is important and will get nothing less than everything from Lena.</p>
<p>“Make yourself useful please and grab two monitors on the counter behind the chamber.” Lena says, instead of engaging that stupid question.</p>
<p> “Where do you want these?” Clark asks, carrying the monitors.</p>
<p>“Just here, beside my main monitor,” Lena says, gesturing to her right. She quickly clears out the baubles and paper and folder and moves to another counter nearby.</p>
<p>Lena drags an extension cord to connect the two monitors to her computer on the work desk. They flicker for a bit before showing Kara’s body status: her heart rate, body temperature, oxygen level and a smattering of other status.</p>
<p>“Did you just—“</p>
<p>“Please stop being in awe of what I can do, Mr. Kent, and instead tell me something useful,” Lena snapped, eyes still trained on her monitor, making adjustments and fingers flying on her keyboard. “Kara left here at peak health, all things considered. You told me she’d be better off there in Smallville. And now you fly her back here and I can barely recognize her. Explain please.”</p>
<p>Clark sighs. “She came in the morning and told us she doesn’t want to be a burden—“</p>
<p>“That’s not what I asked, Mr. Kent,” Lena didn’t mean to snap again. But her patience is running thin and she is not in the mood to prolong this discussion.</p>
<p>Clark looks deflated as he began. “She couldn’t sleep. She couldn’t eat. When she does sleep, it’s only for a few minutes and then she begins screaming. She tried eating but she would stop almost immediately. Alex and Mon-El visited her and the three of them got into an argument and she just lost it for a second and my barn exploded. She completely stopped sleeping then. And then one day, she got into a fight and barely made it home. Her wounds healed, the sun lamps made sure of that but it’s like her body couldn’t recover.”</p>
<p>He pauses with a sullen exhale before continuing.</p>
<p>“I checked for the alien she fought and it was just a slug fight. There were no weird powers involved. Just hand to hand combat that she barely won. I tried the Fortress but came up with nothing. Physically, there should be nothing wrong with her. But the sun lamps can only do so much, I suppose. And then this afternoon, she just broke down from lack of sleep and even less food, and she started muttering something about finding you and your name in the building. Over and over again, she kept saying to find you, and that your name is on the building.”</p>
<p>Lena was quiet for a second, eyes never leaving the frail mass inside the chamber.</p>
<p>“I’ll run an IV with all the essentials through her so, full-disclosure, yes I do have kryptonite and yes, Kara knows about it.”</p>
<p>If Clark had any protests about this, he doesn’t say it. “I’ll leave her to you then and come back to visit in the morning.”</p>
<p>Lena doesn’t respond for a long while. Eventually, she heads back up to her office and takes all of her work and brings them back down the lab.</p>
<p>Not for one second does Lena sleep that night. She works tirelessly through the night but always with one eye monitoring Kara.</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>One night turns into two then three and Lena has barely gone to sleep. She plies herself with caffeine and cancels non-essential meetings. All essential meetings are done via conference calls.  Thankful to her past self for thinking about installing a small room with bathroom and a small closet on her own lab, Lena decides to bury herself in work there. She dares not leave until Kara wakes up.</p>
<p>Every midnight, like clockwork, Lena reads Kara a short story. She finishes them with tears tracking down her eyes. She never quite finds out when she starts crying or when she stops. But the tears come and the tears go but it does nothing to soothe the worry that has now taken over the void.</p>
<p>Jess brings breakfast, lunch, and buys dinner and delivers them to Lena before leaving.</p>
<p>Clark comes back every day with Alex, sometimes Mon-El, in tow and they stand around awkwardly and what can they do anyway?</p>
<p>Lena ignores them, silent in her fury, as they stand shambling about, checking on Kara but just as helpless as Lena is. All Lena could do is change and adjust her IV formula.</p>
<p>Clark tries to apologize at one point but Lena cuts her off with a stern, “Save it. I don’t want to hear it.”</p>
<p>Eventually, Clark has to go back to Metropolis and asks Lena to update him. Lena hums noncommittally.</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>The only thing that gives Lena hope is that Kara is slowly recovering. Her cheeks are less gaunt and her heart beat is strong and steady. Some semblance of color is also slowly showing in her skin.</p>
<p>On the fourth morning, Lena isn’t quite sure how she’d fallen asleep at her desk and for how long, but she startles awake when she hears movement behind her. And a voice her heart had ached to hear floats uncertainly all over the room.</p>
<p>“I—I’m sorry,” Kara says, perched at the edge of her bed. “I didn’t mean to wake you up. I was hoping to get breakfast but… I forgot my phone at Kal’s.” A bony hand gestures weakly at the golden barrier.</p>
<p>And honestly, Lena has no idea what Kara is saying. Kara’s voice is hoarse and small, her eyes tired and still not meeting Lena’s. But Lena has no time to let all of this sink in. Her mind is still processing the fact that Kara is awake and sitting there and alive…</p>
<p>
  <em>…and asking for breakfast!</em>
</p>
<p>“L—Lena?”</p>
<p>At the sound of her name, something jars Lena. “Stay. I’ll get breakfast.”</p>
<p>Not caring about the fact that she is still in Kara’s old jumper and pyjama bottoms, Lena taps a button on her phone, bringing down the barrier and releasing Kara, grabs her purse and her coat and runs to the elevator.</p>
<p>She checks the time. 6:27 AM.</p>
<p>
  <em>There should be a few diners open at this hour, right?</em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Lena is back 45 minutes later and finds Kara, who has taken a shower, sitting, hunched, by her work desk inside her chamber, typing something on her laptop.</p>
<p>Kara is quiet, unmoving. <em>But there</em>.</p>
<p>Lena greets her a quiet ‘good morning’ (gets a nod in response) and places Kara’s coffee, ten pancakes, and scrambled eggs good for 4 people, on the small dining table.</p>
<p>“You should eat, Kara,” Lena says tentatively, as if scared that any sudden movement or loud noise would scare Kara away. But Kara stays sitting by her work desk as if she didn’t hear Lena. So Lena decides to start her day, and moves back to her own desk to have breakfast. She is only a couple of steps away when she hears Kara speak.</p>
<p>“Lena..?”</p>
<p>Lena’s heart stutters.</p>
<p>She stops and turns around to find Kara sliding off her chair and slowly, eyes still downcast, walking towards Lena.</p>
<p>“I know you’re mad but please don’t walk away,” Kara whispers as Lena watches her slow march. “I hurt you again, didn’t I? I’m so—“</p>
<p>“I’m not mad. And I promise you, I won’t,” Lena answers, her voice steady, cutting Kara off from spiraling. Her heart is pounding so hard, she’s pretty sure everyone at L-Corp can hear it.</p>
<p>She watches as Kara moves towards her, wearing a ratty Midvale High hoodie that is still two sizes too big for her, and yoga pants, her golden waves in a loose and untidy bun, and her feet stuffed in thick, rainbow-colored socks. She looks so soft that Lena is just itching to reach out. Kara stops a foot away from Lena and suddenly looks like she has no idea what she’s doing.</p>
<p>“You’re really here, right?” Kara’s voice breaks. “I’m not dreaming? I’m not about to hurt you again?”</p>
<p>“I’m here. This is not a dream,” Lena says softly.</p>
<p>They stand there awkwardly for a moment, the closest they have been in such a long time and Lena understands what she needs to do.</p>
<p>“May I?” Lena takes on the reigns then, holding out her hand.</p>
<p>Kara nods and Lena’s heart clenches.</p>
<p>She takes a cautious step towards Kara, so they are mere inches away from each other. For the first time in nearly half a year, Lena can feel her best friend’s radiating warmth again and she basks in it for a moment.</p>
<p>“I’m going to give you a hug now, Kara. Let me know if you’re not comfortable, okay?”</p>
<p>Again, Kara nods, and Lena takes this as consent.</p>
<p>Carefully, so very gently, she lifts her arms and wraps it around the back of Kara’s neck and shoulders. She feels Kara’s entire being tense for a moment before a deep exhale relaxes her and Kara almost folds into her.</p>
<p>“<em>See? Safe.</em>” Lena murmurs into Kara’s neck as she continues to hold the center of her universe between her arms.</p>
<p>After a few seconds, Lena moves her arms so she can give Kara space to process…</p>
<p>…or at least she tries until Kara begins to wind her arms around Lena’s waist, keeping her in place. She buries her face in the space between Lena’s neck and shoulder and parrots Lena’s word. <em>“Safe…”</em></p>
<p>They stay folded into each other’s presence for a good long while, as if making up for all the hugs they have missed since this this entire thing began.</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Lena imagines the hug earlier that morning could have gone for much longer if only she didn’t have a highly efficient secretary who can switch gears in a matter of seconds. As soon as she tells Jess that she can now entertain non-essential meetings but only in her office, her entire day, save for her lunch, is packed once again with not a minute to spare.</p>
<p>As soon as they were done with breakfast, Lena heads to the bathroom in the lab, having no more time to go home, and is mildly surprised when she steps out of her cold shower and finds her three-piece black suit, with a silk shirt and matching pumps ready and prepared for her.</p>
<p>She smiles warmly and begins to prepare for her day.</p>
<p>Ten minutes before her first meeting, Lena’s phone is ringing non-stop.</p>
<p>“Thank you for preparing the suit.” Lena says as soon as Kara releases her from their second hug of the day.</p>
<p> “Least I can do,” Kara shrugs. “Now, go save the world, one business deal at a time, Hero,” she murmurs with a faint smile as she adjusts and smooths Lena’s tie and collar. “I’ll see you at lunch?”</p>
<p>Lena nods.</p>
<p>It is such a painfully domestic thing to do that it grips Lena’s heart.</p>
<p>She still isn’t looking at Lena’s eyes but they already had two major breakthroughs today and that’s more than enough for Lena to call this day a win.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>By the time lunch time rolls around, however, Lena is just about ready to actually become a villain and punch a hole into the faces of a few people she had had a meeting with. She is so distraught and irritated, mostly due to lack of sleep (Lena is recognizes this) that she spends the usually wordless lunch hour between her and Kara just ranting, pacing back and forth in anger, her heels clacking loudly in her lab. Her lunch is forgotten as she continues throwing around empty threats of beheading and setting people’s asses on fire. There is also a brief mention of guts being pulled out from mouths.</p>
<p>That is until she meets the solid, warm, and logic-defying softness of Kara’s body as her best friend catches her in a hug, mid rant. <em>“Safe.”</em> Kara murmurs in the crook of Lena’s neck and Lena deflates instantly.</p>
<p><em>“Safe.” </em>Lena agrees and she exhales again.</p>
<p>“Feeling better?” Kara asks as she steps back to let go of Lena and return to her lunch. Lena, to her slight embarrassment, actually whimpers, but if Kara noticed it, she does not react.</p>
<p>They spend the rest of the lunch in peaceful, comfortable silence, Lena almost inhaling her sandwich, as Jess calls her ten minutes later.</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Kara never mentions Smallville or Clark or moving out again, they never talk about it. She tries to apologize once more but Lena flatly cuts her off by saying she doesn’t need to apologize for making decisions for herself. And that is the long and short of that discussion.</p>
<p>(And because they don’t talk about Smallville, Lena had to buy Kara a new phone to give her control over the chamber again. Kara has, by then, learned not to protest when Lena gives her anything, and instead just thanks her. Somehow, Lena has also managed to completely and remotely clone Kara’s phone so her number, messages, files and contacts are transferred over to the new phone.)</p>
<p>Over the next few days, Lena sees a remarkable shift in her best friend. While she still refuses to look at Lena, they now both eat at the table that Lena brought in for her.</p>
<p>Whenever Kara gets called for Supergirl duties in the morning, she buys lunch for the two of them before coming back. And while Kara still has difficulty sleeping, she has taken to listening to Lena’s recordings of experiment data logs or that one TED Talk Lena did a year ago, and it’s enough to send her to sleep. She still prefers it when Lena reads to her, but she acknowledges that Lena’s sleep schedule shouldn’t be reliant on Kara’s so Kara begins to wean off bedtime stories from Lena and instead settles for Lena’s voice data logs and seminar recordings.</p>
<p>Lena, for her part, has not seen the blue-eyed blonde with the paddle since Kara’s return. At first she thinks it’s mainly due to her body recovering from the Red Kryptonite incident, but since Kara’s departure to Smallville and then abrupt return, she has had no inclination to call the blonde again. She still has nightmares from time to time, but for the most part, she goes home bone-tired that she hits the bed and is out with a dreamless sleep almost immediately.</p>
<p>Most of Lena and Kara’s interactions are still stilted and quiet but when they do talk, Kara is a bit more confident and stammers less. She has also began starting casual conversation, asking Lena how her day was and if she had any plans for the next day, telling her about an interesting thing she’s read or seen while patrolling. At one point, Kara texts her a picture of a black cat with green eyes she rescued. It had no captions of emojis, but Lena’s heart soars nonetheless and she replies with a single heart emoji.</p>
<p>Kara is adorable in how awkwardly she tries.</p>
<p>But the thing that has struck Lena the most is how Kara has taken to Lena’s hugs which the Kryptonian almost always initiates.</p>
<p>A hug in the morning when Lena brings her breakfast, another hug before Lena goes back up to her office to work; a hug whenever Kara has to leave for Supergirl duties, a hug when she comes back; a hug when they start lunch and a hug afterwards; a hug when Lena comes down for the evening and another hug before Kara goes back to her chamber and listens to Lena’s recordings.</p>
<p>All of them with the word <em>“Safe”</em> whispered like a prayer in the crook of Lena’s neck.</p>
<p>Lena wants to say it’s odd, but she files it away as a sign of exactly how starved for affection Kara has been in her self-imposed prison sentence. After all, for the most part, and especially since coming back from Smallville, Lena and Kara have been largely left alone in their own little world.</p>
<p>But she knows—at the back of her mind, she knows Kara is overcompensating, paying another form of penance for what she perceives as harm she’s done to Lena.</p>
<p>And it’s not like Lena doesn’t enjoy them. In as much as Kara craves them, it has also become a an anchor for Lena throughout her day, tethering her when her thoughts are running away from her, grounding her when the world just seems to slip past her again.</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I hope that more than makes up for hurting Lena last chapter. Recovery is hard, man.</p>
<p>Also, my gf is a nurse and works at the frontlines, helping covid victims. I havent seen her for a month and even if they allow her to go home now, I wouldnt see her for two more weeks. But as soon as she comes home, Ima go do that hug and that "safe" thing these two hopeless idiots do.</p>
<p>Stay safe everybody.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Come follow me on Twitter (@TheLazyBam) where I firmly believe that Lena Luthor in a suit is a Daddy. You can also tell me I'm wrong but I dont care. ^^,</p>
<p>-Bam, The Lazy One</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Breaks</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hi!<br/>Bam here.</p>
<p>Thank you all for coming. I'd like to start my TED talk by acknowledging your awesome comments and the kudrowses.</p>
<p>The next few chapters are a bit dialogue heavy. And also un-beta'd. I'll update if there are mistakes.</p>
<p>As always, please let me know what you think so I can panic when someone guesses where this is going.</p>
<p>Enjoy... ^^,</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>A few days later, Lena raises a perfect brow when she finds a text message from Mon-El, asking to meet Lena in his and Kara’s apartment. Jess manages to rearrange Lena’s schedule and found an hour to spare. She informs Mon-El that that was all the time she had.</p>
<p>Ten minutes later, they were on Kara’s couch talking, mostly about Kara.</p>
<p> “I miss her, Lena. And our anniversary is coming up soon.” Mon-El says in the middle of a chess match he was about to lose in 2 more moves. Lena takes a pawn before speaking.</p>
<p>“Then why don’t you visit her anymore?”</p>
<p>“What’s the point? She barely registers that I’m there. And even if she does, she won’t even look at me or talk to me. Besides, I see her when we go and help out in National City. And even then, she still refuses to talk or look at anyone.”</p>
<p>“That’s never stopped Alex or Winn. Alex drops by at least twice a week with Winn. Even James visits sometimes. Sam is in Metropolis and she’s seen Kara twice.”</p>
<p>Mon-El doesn’t reply so Lena continues.</p>
<p> “She talks more now, you know. Well a couple more words here and there, but she also buys lunch when she goes out in the morning, so I take that as a win.” Lena, of course, does not mention the hugs. <em>Should she?</em></p>
<p>Mon-El moves his queen to guard his king and Lena tries very hard not to roll her eyes.</p>
<p>“Do you think she’ll say yes if I ask her out on a date? Or maybe have dinner with me down at your lab? She doesn’t have to say anything, but I want to be close to her again, you know?”</p>
<p>Lena takes Mon-El’s queen with her own and checkmates.</p>
<p>“Did you bring me all the way here, half a city away from my work, to ask me to be your middle man?” Lena asks with a raised eyebrow, irritation starting to simmer just underneath her skin. “We could have had this conversation via text, you know?”</p>
<p>Mon-El has the audacity to look sheepish. “Yeah, but you are the closest I have to her and I just…I miss her.”</p>
<p>Lena leaves the apartment ten minutes later, still annoyed but she had promised to ask Kara and so she will. It was still all too inconvenient and annoying for her. But perhaps, she reflects, as Frank drives her back to L-Corp, perhaps if Kara agrees to this, then little by little she will agree to meet more of her friends in a sit-down dinner capacity.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>By the time she reaches L-Corp, she has already asked his manufacturers to build a large dinner table made of nth metal. She also ordered for matching chairs with a note to make them comfortable as well as durable.</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Do you think I’m ready?” Kara asks quietly that evening, after Lena is done recounting Mon-El’s idea.</p>
<p>“That’s completely up to you.” Lena responds. They were having late dinner, Kara insisting on waiting for Lena, who had a couple more meetings that evening, before eating.</p>
<p>“Will you join us?” Kara’s voice is small, wary, almost pleading…and it grabs a different way at Lena.</p>
<p>“Kara, I think the idea is that it’s an anniversary date between you and Mon-El. I mean, you do remember that you have a boyfriend, right?” Seeing the slight fidgeting of hands and the almost imperceptible dip of Kara’s shoulders, Lena backpedals hard. “But, I’m willing to compromise. Have dinner with him here and I will be upstairs. Or if you decide to have dinner outside, I can wait in my car close by and work from there and wait for you. If you’re not comfortable, just message me and I’ll figure out a way to kick him out,” Lena assures her with a smile. But Kara’s face is still sullen.</p>
<p>“I—I’ve been meaning to break up with him, actually.”</p>
<p>Lena pauses for a beat.</p>
<p>“Okay,” she says simply and without inflection.</p>
<p>“Okay?” Kara asks, confused.</p>
<p>“Well…what do you want me to say, Kara?”</p>
<p>“I don’t know, Lena,” Kara sighs, “You’ve always been the voice of reason between the two of us. This is why we work so well, isn’t it? You’re the brains and I’m the muscle. You point, I shoot. You do the science-y stuff and I do the literal heavy lifting.”</p>
<p>Lena is taken aback at this revelation and takes a second to process it all.</p>
<p>“Is—is this really how you see us?”</p>
<p>Kara hesitates. “Am I wrong?”</p>
<p>Lena does not. “Dead wrong, Kara.”</p>
<p>“H-how do you see us, then?”</p>
<p>“As equals,” Lena says firmly. “There is no yin and yang in our relationship, no delicate power balance to maintain. Those are exhausting and quite frankly, archaic ideas. I see us as two equals, giving and taking as the other needs. Our relationship is not on a balance scale. It is two people on a journey, walking side by side. Sometimes one carries the other; sometimes one takes a break and the other waits; but mostly they just enjoy each other’s company and travel where the road takes them. That’s how I see us.”</p>
<p>“…see this is why you’re the smart one.” Kara insists.</p>
<p>“No,” Lena shrugs it off. “I just had better opportunities growing up. If we had had the same education, you would probably have more PhD’s by now—“ Lena pauses to sigh. “Look, Kara, disabuse yourself of the notion that all you are good for is smashing things. You are brilliant and kind and warm, and so much more than people give you credit for.”</p>
<p>“And yet inside me is a monster who raped and tortured her own best friend.” It is said in such pure, unadulterated self-loathing that it takes Lena a second to recover.</p>
<p>“Past tense, Kara.” Lena retorts calmly.</p>
<p>“Dammit Lena, take this seriously,” Kara says, suddenly standing up. She starts pacing, taut and wired. This would have scared Lena off a few months back, but now, she remains unfazed. “That <em>monster</em> still lives inside me and I could still hurt you.”</p>
<p>“Sit back down, Kara Zor-El.” Lena commands, her eyes tracking Kara’s movement.</p>
<p>“Don’t you dare—“</p>
<p>“I said. Sit. The fuck. Down.”</p>
<p>It is the same voice Lena uses to control a room full of bitter, angry, old men who refuses to acknowledge her presence and authority, a voice borne out of a need to be heard and seen when the rest of the world has discarded her as nothing more than a puppet on the Luthor string. It is practiced; as deceptive as the seemingly calm waters of the ocean whose undercurrent can drown someone in seconds, and with such significant weight that one has no choice but to succumb to it. It is Lena’s CEO persona which she uses to devastating effect.</p>
<p>And it works. Kara scowls and blinks but she pads back to the table and sits down. Her scowl has turned into an adorable pout that it takes all of Lena’s self-control not to reach out and hug the grumpy Kryptonian.</p>
<p>“I hate it when you do that.” Kara mutters, her adorable pout still in full effect.</p>
<p>“I’m sorry, but you were spiraling. Besides, we’ve gone so far off topic that I needed to center you again. You are breaking up with Mon-El?”</p>
<p>There is silence between them, not entirely uncomfortable. Lena has come to recognize this as Kara’s thinking phase. She goes quiet, chews her bottom lip and balls her fist. There is a look of intense concentration on her face. So Lena waits.</p>
<p>Eventually, Kara sighs. “You were out for two days. I was awake hours after they picked us up. And in those two days, he came in only once. I was angry at myself, confused, and worried sick for you. So, when I told him to go away, he didn’t push back. He just stood there for a second like he couldn’t understand why I was in pain. He looked at me with pity, not concern. And then he walked away.”</p>
<p>“He gave me the bare minimum just so he could say he’s the good boyfriend who waited for his demented, broken girlfriend to get better. Then you come rolling in with your swanky new wheelchair and fancy hacking moves, careful not to show me how much pain you were in. But I could hear the hiss in your breath when you move. And instead of telling me to stop wallowing in self-pity, you ignored that and focused on the fact that I wasn’t sleeping. Despite being in constant pain, you wheeled yourself to my room every night and read stories that I never finish because for at least ten minutes of my life, someone is there not to push me to become better, but just to help me get to sleep. No one else fought and defied Alex, Taja, and me, just to see me. They all stayed away and treated me with kid gloves… except you with your demanding ways.</p>
<p>“And then the food came and why would I accept gifts from people who are terrified of me? No. If I was going to accept something, it would be from the one person who stayed when everyone ran from the monster.</p>
<p>“He has my number. But he hasn’t texted me in months, not especially since I moved in here. They give me these clothes but no one even bothers to ask me what I want to wear. They visit me and talk about their day and say things like they miss me but when I look at them, I see fear and pity. And then I look at my phone and all I see are texts from you even though I never reply. They are repetitive, constant, consistent, asking what I want for breakfast, lunch, dinner, saying you’re going to be late, or you can’t come visit me in the evening because you have a business meeting and it might run late…</p>
<p>“And I—I followed you one time because I couldn’t stand the empty silence in the evenings when you’re not here. But if I’m going to be honest, it’s also partly because I had this fear that you go to these dinner meetings because you can’t stand to be around me anymore and you need a break. So, I followed you. I sat in a corner and watched while you texted, saying you wish you didn’t have to attend and I could see just how much you were dying of boredom. You rolled your eyes a total of thirty-two times in a two-hour business lunch. But in the end you closed the deal and you were a hundred and twenty-five million dollars richer. But even when you did tell me you weren’t coming, you still came back with pasta and chicken wings because you knew I wouldn’t eat without you.”</p>
<p>“So, yes I’m breaking up with him because I’ve seen the difference between bare minimum and giving it your all and I do not deserve bare minimum. You taught me that. You showed me that. Which, now that I’m thinking about it, begs the question…”</p>
<p>“…who is taking care of you, Lena?”</p>
<p>Lena startles, disarmed by the question. “Okay, hold on. Can I just say? That is the longest speech you have had in months. You rambled! And I’m actually pretty proud of you for rambling again. Dear god, I’ve missed your rambling.” Lena says sincerely. But her heart is pounding again, threatening to break out of her recently healed ribs and sternum and spilling all of her secrets.</p>
<p>“Answer the question, Lena.”</p>
<p>Lena pauses for a beat and shrugs. “I mean there’s you, I guess, in a roundabout way. But caring for you and L-Corp keeps me occupied. You give me a purpose, a direction, so to speak. And because of that, I don’t feel so lonely. Taking care of people is my way of taking care of me.”</p>
<p>Kara growls, actually growls, at that answer and Lena smirks when she sees the eye-roll.</p>
<p>“Wow, that’s a load of crap if I ever heard one. How long did you practice that in your head?”</p>
<p>Lena grins and admits defeat. “A second. I had to run through it very quickly.”</p>
<p>Kara shakes her head and looks up to the ceiling, as if whatever answer she’s looking for could be found there. “But don’t you want to go on dates and have someone take care of you for a change? I mean, I’m not really sure about humans, but don’t you guys have like… <em>needs?</em>”</p>
<p>For the first time in an exceedingly long time, Lena actually belly laughs. Full-on, just tummy-clenching, diaphragm exhausting, belly laugh and it echoes pleasantly all over the lab. By the time she was done, she had tears tracking down her porcelain face.</p>
<p>“Jesus, Kara. I really have missed you.” Lena says, shaking her head, wiping the last of the tears from her eyes.</p>
<p>The moment she tracks her gaze back at Kara though, she stops dead.</p>
<p>For the first time in four months, three weeks, one day, twenty-two hours, thirty-seven minutes…</p>
<p>Kara’s sapphire eyes are finally staring back at her.</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  
</p>
<p>The break up doesn’t go as well as Kara wanted, which is exactly what Lena expected and warned her about when they talked about it some more.</p>
<p>Mainly because Kara decided to break up on their <em>anniversary</em>.</p>
<p>Somehow, Lena knew, at the end of all of this, someone would blame her entirely. And Lena wishes she could worry about it but honestly, she could not give any more damns about it.</p>
<p>All Lena thinks about is how much this could affect Kara’s progress.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Still, when Mon-El storms out of the private elevator with a scornful glare, Lena braces herself. She fiddles with her phone and checks the cameras in the lab. A quick scan and she exhales.</p>
<p> “Are you happy now, Luthor? You think I don’t know what you’re doing? You may have Kara wrapped around your pretty little finger, but I know better. She’ll come to her senses soon enough. And then you’ll go right back to how you’ve always been: miserable, lonely, and depressed. <em>Pathetic.</em>” Mon-El sneers.</p>
<p>Lena, truly buried in work that day, scoffs. “Did you just quote ‘Poor, Unfortunate Souls’ on me? Well, I guess it’s fitting. But if you’re done with your business with Kara, I’m sure you know your way out. I’m just so swamped with work today that I can’t be bothered to be offended.”</p>
<p>Lena hears a strangled response but ignores it and continues on with her work as Mon-El angrily stomps out of her office. For a second, she considers removing his access to her office but decides against. He is still Kara’s friend, after all.</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“So, an angry Daxamite just stormed out of my office saying something about how pretty my fingers are. Mind telling me what happened before that?” Lena says as soon as the elevator doors open. She heads for her work desk at the lab and drops her effects.</p>
<p>Kara, sitting on their small dining table near her chamber, looks small, defeated, and pointedly avoiding Lena’s gaze. It’s adorable and Lena really shouldn’t think that but it’s true.</p>
<p>“Kara?”</p>
<p>Lena hears a sigh.</p>
<p>“I told him the truth,” Kara finally answers, sulking. “And now I don’t want to talk about it.”</p>
<p>“…the truth?” Lena asks, pretending not to hear the last sentence.</p>
<p>“I told him I love you,” Kara shrugs, still not meeting Lena’s gaze. Lena, to her credit, does not fall off her chair as her heart somersaults and her brain spins to oblivion in two seconds flat before she comes crashing down and everything is confusing again.</p>
<p>“I—I’m sorry. What?” Lena stammers, reeling internally but keeping a somewhat stern expression on her face.</p>
<p>Kara stands from her chair and moves back to her chamber where she sits on the edge of her bed. Still, her eyes are on the floor, or the wall behind Lena, or on the ceiling… but mostly on the floor.</p>
<p>“It’s the truth. I love you,” she says. “You’re my best friend. So, technically, I did not lie.”</p>
<p>And there’s really no recovering from that. It is a distinct kind of pain, like rejection but worse; a confusing mixture of disappointment and dashed hopes, with a fuck ton of bitterness thrown in for good measure.</p>
<p>“Kara… what have you done?” Lena tries to hide the shiver in her voice. With a sudden rush of clarity, she realizes the panic that is taking over her as she scrambles to keep her emotions in check.</p>
<p>Kara’s shoulder sag. “He—he wanted us to work on it some more. He promised he would be here every day and stay with me and do whatever I want. I told him—I said he was six months too late. That he had every opportunity to stay and fight for me, but he took the easy way out and just walked, only showing up whenever convenient. But he wasn’t listening. He kept asking for another chance,” Kara sighs before continuing.</p>
<p>“But I just wanted him gone, Lena. I don’t want to see that pitying look that he throws at me every time I clam up or not do as people say. So—so I told him it was too late and that I’ve fallen for someone.”</p>
<p>Lena grips the arms of her chair and says nothing, not trusting herself to not do or say anything stupid. Instead, she continues to watch Kara carefully.</p>
<p>“You’re mad at me. I—I did something bad again, didn’t I?” Kara asks, now so very interested on the floor all of a sudden.</p>
<p>“I just—I’m not mad,” Lena says evenly. “When you said you were going to break up with him, I really didn’t see it going this way. I guess I’m just surprised.”</p>
<p>Kara shakes her head. “But, I mean… don’t worry, Lena. I told him you aren’t interested in me at all, that it’s a one-sided thing, but that I can’t really be with him anymore while I have feelings for you. He—he thinks you don’t know.”</p>
<p>
  <em>Perfect. Just so fucking perfect.</em>
</p>
<p>Lena scoffs. “Well, that just makes everything better, doesn’t it?”</p>
<p>“Oh Rao. You <em>are</em> mad. Just this once, I didn’t want to ruin everything and now I’ve done something wrong and you’re mad. I’m s—sorry, Lena.”</p>
<p>“Again, I’m not mad, Kara,” Lena refuses to trust her knees and legs so she remains seated, fingers digging further in to the arm of her chair. “I guess I’m just surprised you’d go down this route. I was honestly expecting you to give him a chance, at least. I mean, you did push him away.”</p>
<p>“What’s his excuse when I did the same to you? In fact, I was worse with you. I kept telling you to go away, accepted your charity with barely a ‘thank you’ and then like a child—like a child, Lena—I demanded you read stories again and again. And I ran away from you because I didn’t want to be a burden you anymore and threw everything you’ve done for me right back at your face. I didn’t even say goodbye. I just left a stupid note. And I come back nearly dead because apparently I can no longer function properly without knowing that there’s a safe space where I can hide away from and you just took me back in without hesitation. And he’s the one who professes to love me? If my best friend can do all that, what’s his excuse?”</p>
<p>Silence.</p>
<p>Lena runs through all the ways she wants to respond but settles for the low-hanging fruit. She’s tired and just wants this conversation over with.</p>
<p>
  <em>Humor it is.</em>
</p>
<p>“I mean—I guess, if you put it that way, I did set the bar too high. I suppose I should apologize to him for setting him up for failure.” Lena shrugs.</p>
<p>“I’m sorry I threw you under the bus,” Kara says with a small smile and Lena decides to push this—whatever this is—banter they have.</p>
<p>“You’ve done worse,” with an unapologetic and shit-eating grin, she huffs out a short breath. “Oof. Too soon?”</p>
<p>She watches for half a second as Kara freezes, her face hard, and Lena fears she may have taken it too far. Until Kara shakes her head, now completely interested on her fingernails.</p>
<p>“I’m glad <em>you</em> can make fun of it now,” she says shortly, any attempt at sounding offended completely overshadowed by the fact that she is smiling again.</p>
<p>“You can too, you know. I’m pretty hard to break. Ah. There I go again. Sorry,” Lena replies with a shrug, not at all sounding remotely like she is sorry.</p>
<p>“Shut up,” but whatever bite her words are supposed to have is swallowed by the smile that hasn’t left her lips. “But, really, I’m sorry for what I said to Mon-El.”</p>
<p>“It’s fine,” Lena says coolly. “I know I’m hot so it’s not entirely within the realm of disbelief for you to have a crush on me. I’d actually be just a little bit offended if you didn’t even consider me pretty, at least. I have my vanity to consider, after all.”</p>
<p>“Are you kidding me? You’re like the hottest person I know, Lena. It’s not fair how pretty and smart you are. And I’ve seen you do Pilates. <em>Hot.</em>” And it does <em>something</em> inside Lena but she pushes it down to unpack later.</p>
<p>“How can you say that when you barely look at me anymore?” Lena is placating and tentative. She’s been pushing and so far, Kara hasn’t pushed back. So she pushes some more, intent on seeing where the line is now.</p>
<p>“L-Lena…” Kara begins to say, but stops herself. She takes a deep breath and slowly raises her eyes to meet Lena’s.</p>
<p>“Ah there’s <em>my</em> Kara,” Lena whispers, almost breathlessly. Then switches gears immediately. “And coming from you and your Disney princess hair, and your adorably cute scowl, and abs and guns that should be illegal, that compliment is much appreciated.”</p>
<p>“I knew it,” Kara says with a smile, eyes still on Lena. “You’re only keeping me for my abs.”</p>
<p>“They are pretty phenomenal, Kara. So don’t worry. Someone better will come and appreciate your abs better than Mon-El ever did.”</p>
<p>“Nah,” Kara shakes her head and walks towards Lena. “I’m good where I’m at. Besides, don’t forget that I am secretly in love with you.”</p>
<p>She takes Lena’s hand and gently pulls her in for a hug.</p>
<p>
  <em>“Safe…”</em>
</p>
<p>
  
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Kara is already softly snoring when Lena gets up to head home.</p>
<p>The blonde is there, of course. Lena murmurs a ‘thanks for coming on such short notice’.</p>
<p>And the paddles break again.</p>
<p>Lena receives no forgiveness no matter how much she begs. Only pain.</p>
<p><em>But that’s how life generally is anyway, </em>Lena thinks, as she crawls out of her ice bath and on to her freezing room, naked, and tucked in a fetal position.</p>
<p>She feels the cold penetrate through skin, muscle and bones. And she is numb</p>
<p>She is fine.</p>
<p>She feels absolutely nothing at all.</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>That "I love you, you're my best friend" line may or may not have happened to me in real life.<br/>It's fine. I'm over it. I hope she's still single but not because I wanna be with her but just... Okay, I may only just slightly be a bit bitter about it but whatever.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Come follow me on Twitter (@TheLazyBam) where I retweet a bunch of stuff, but mostly Lena Luthor related stuff. I also talk about bacon sometimes and cute kittens.</p>
<p>-Bam, The Lazy One</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Trigger Warning</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hi!<br/>Bam here.</p>
<p>I was told I am not sorry for what I did last chapter. I can neither confirm nor deny that.</p>
<p>But as always, you beautiful people have been so awesome at the comments section and then showering this fic with </p>
<p>kudosites, it just warms my heart and may or may not make me want to hurt you guys some more. I'm still thinking about it.</p>
<p>As always, please let me know what you think.&lt;3</p>
<p>Enjoy?</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p>
<p>“Hey Kara? I was thinking…” Lena starts, uncertain.</p>
<p>It is a few evenings later and Kara has pointedly avoided any further discussion on the break-up. She does notice Lena’s inability to sit down. Lena grins and says she fell on the bath, landed on her ass. And Kara accepts this with narrowed eyes.</p>
<p>“Do you maybe want to invite our friends over for dinner? Or—“</p>
<p>“That’s fine.”</p>
<p>“—we can have it somewhere—excuse me, what?”</p>
<p>“It’s fine. Let’s have it here. I don’t think I’m ready to go home yet. Besides, Mon-El has asked me if he could stay at the apartment until the end of the month. And we have space here to host a few people.” Kara shrugs.</p>
<p>Lena exhales, not actually expecting this conversation to be this easy but grateful for it nonetheless. Besides, it’s almost time, anyway.  So she smiles at Kara.</p>
<p>And Kara’s stare disarms Lena.</p>
<p>Kara has taken to extended hugs and just staring at Lena whenever possible. Lena tries to shrug it off and not make a big deal out of it, but the way Kara stares at her is eerily familiar and yet also much different than the way her best friend looked at her before. <em>You’d think she was actually—No, do not go there.</em></p>
<p>These days, Kara looks at her like she’s memorizing every single cell on Lena’s face. And when their eyes meet, it is intense and deep and… stormy, is how Lena would best describe it.</p>
<p>Lena, for her part, tries to go on with her day like nothing happened. She refuses to acknowledge these changes mostly because she knows Kara is still so sensitive. She has made leaps and bounds, sure. But there are still moments when Lena can see it the very real fear in her eyes.</p>
<p>So Lena accepts these as just another part of their weird <em>domesticity</em>… and that is pretty much what their life is like now, with a few notable exceptions.</p>
<p>Kara has gradually taken over breakfast and lunch duties so Lena no longer has to wake up a few minutes earlier to order breakfast for the two of them. They spent the previous Saturday and Sunday reconstructing the old spare bedroom in the lab and changing it into a kitchen. Kara had to punch through walls so they can install a proper air duct, preventing the whole place from smelling like food all the time. Lena is only so glad they did it on a Sunday when no one in L-Corp is working, otherwise, they would definitely hear Kara’s fist as she obliterates layer after layer of dirt.</p>
<p>It is here that Kara discovers how utterly useless Lena is in the kitchen and somehow, this makes the Kryptonian happy.</p>
<p>“Finally found the one thing you suck at, Luthor.” Kara says in jest, but then proceeds to hug her almost as if she was terrified this would offend Lena. And then of course, somewhere in the middle of the hug Kara mumbles <em>“Safe.”</em></p>
<p>It should also be strongly stated how much that mumbling does to disrupt Lena’s brain functions. Because every time Kara mumbles into a hug, her lips gently press at that magic space between Lena’s neck and shoulder and it sends her mind reeling. It’s not a kiss and Lena knows it.</p>
<p>But for a brief second, Lena can almost imagine it is and she does not know what to do with that information.</p>
<p>Kara cooks breakfast, blanches at the way Lena likes her coffee (black as night and cold as ice, but with no ice), and goes off to save the day. She comes back by lunch time with either a take-out or prepares one herself. The rest of the day is spent with Kara still working on her laptop inside her chamber or outside fighting crime. Lena takes care of ordering dinner, unless Kara tells her she has the time to whip something up. Most of the time, she doesn’t.</p>
<p>They also renovated another part of the lab, the one closer to the decontamination bath (that, for Kara, is really just a normal bathroom with a decontamination chamber), as a sort of walk in closet and laundry area. When Lena goes down during the evening, she borrows Kara’s comfy hoodies and sweatshirts.</p>
<p>One day, Lena wakes up and finds her own closet, in her penthouse suite, riddled with items she has borrowed from Kara’s lab closet and she feels weirdly okay with it. Beside her expensive suits and tailored dresses are ratty shirts, worn out sweaters, and old hoodies that are just so… Kara.</p>
<p>She tried to return them, of course, but Kara insists that she keeps them so she can wear them at her home.</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>For the most part, Kara has begun talking to Alex and Winn in short bursts and mostly in work capacities. She has also started getting more and more confident, little by little starting to go back to the ray of sunshine that she used to be.</p>
<p>The first time Kara spoke to Alex outside of Supergirl duties was when Lena was at the DEO, helping Winn out with an alien tech they found. Winn and Lena were huddled together, softly bickering about wirings and screws when Kara, who insisted on going and who was hovering near Lena at all times, suddenly said, “How have you been, Alex?”</p>
<p>It was stilted but clear. And it stuns all three other people inside the room that for a moment, nobody said anything. Lena clears her throat. “Alex?”</p>
<p>“Oh? What? Uhm. Yes,” she clears her throat. “I’ve been good, Kar. I uhh—I told you about Kelly, right? James’ sister? Well I finally asked her out and…”</p>
<p>Alex spends an entire hour talking. Kara nods and hums and smiles.</p>
<p>Before they went back to Lena’s lab, Alex grabs Lena in a bone-crushing hug, and over and over again mutters “thank you”. When they parted, Alex’s eyes were glistening with tears and Lena proceeds to wipe them away. “Don’t let her see you cry. Just… act normal, okay?” Alex nods.</p>
<p>They were outside the DEO when Kara suddenly says, “See you around, Winn.”</p>
<p>Winn and Alex both try very hard not to look surprised and Lena wishes she can take a picture just so she could make fun of them over and over again.</p>
<p>Later, Winn sends Lena about a million crying emojis.</p>
<p>The next day, their group chat, long-forgotten at this point, suddenly explodes when Kara sends a “Good morning” with one smiley emoji.</p>
<p>Lena muted the group chat and let them all freak out. Kara never replies.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The first time she visits CatCo, unannounced, James is so speechless, he gapes at her for a full ten seconds before he even registers what was happening. Of course, Lena is there, but on official capacity. She had a meeting with CatCo’s board earlier that day and was on her way to James’ office to discuss a few more things when Kara arrives in button downs and slacks.</p>
<p>Kara strides towards her desk and rummages for something before heading for James’ office.</p>
<p>“Hi James.” Kara greets him and he stammers a hello back. She turns to Lena.</p>
<p>“Will you be staying long, Lena?”</p>
<p>“No. I’ll be here for about fifteen minutes more then I’ll head back to L-Corp. Lunch when I come back?”</p>
<p>“I was going to ask you what you wanted.”</p>
<p>“Surprise me.”</p>
<p>Kara grins and nods and leaves.</p>
<p>James tells Lena that the prevalent office gossip is that Kara is pregnant. So, the whole office watched as an obviously not pregnant Kara saunters in and out quickly. James refuses to inform the rest of the office why Kara is working from home.</p>
<p>The latest gossip is that she <em>was</em> pregnant but lost the baby.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The groupchat has been quiet for a few days when it explodes yet again, this time because Lena asked if they are all free for dinner, Friday evening. Kara replies with a thumbs up and a smiley with hearts.</p>
<p>Lena only checks again to see who said yes. Everyone did, of course, including Mon-El.</p>
<p>Alex asked if she could invite Eliza and Kara replies with a thumbs up.</p>
<p>Lena had to send the company jet for Ruby and Sam.</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Friday arrives and for some reason, the universe gives Lena a reprieve and there isn’t a fire she had to put out in the office.</p>
<p>The same cannot be said for Supergirl and the DEO who had been out and about all day. Kara, unfailing, drops in for a ten minute lunch before she is called out again. She thanks Lena for lunch, tucks her into a hug so immeasurably warm and soft and when they part, she stares at Lena like Lena had created the universe right before her very eyes.</p>
<p>She also murmurs an apology about not being able to help for dinner preparations.</p>
<p>By five in the afternoon, somehow, everything mellows down and Kara rushes in to Lena’s office.</p>
<p>“No need to hurry, Kara. I’ve done the orders and they’re coming around 6:30 to deliver. So, take a shower and rest. Everything’s ready. Oh except the dinner table I ordered. Could you pick it up and use the transmatter portal? It’s not going to fit through the elevator.”</p>
<p>Kara nods. “I’m really sorry, Lena. I wanted to cook but—“</p>
<p>“No worries,” Lena dismisses her concerns with a wave. “Just get the dinner table and the chairs and then you can rest. Pick up some ice cream if you want.” Kara beams at her at the mention of ice cream.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Earlier that week, it was decided that they were going to use Lex’s transmatter portals for exactly what they should be used for: Laziness.</p>
<p>By 7pm, Lena portals in to Kara’s apartment and finds everyone standing or milling about, at varying stages of excitement or wary. Except Mon-El, who was openly glaring at Lena.</p>
<p>They wait ten more minutes for Eliza who apologized profusely for being late.</p>
<p>“Listen, just…act normal. She’s made so much progress and it would be such a shame to undo all of that because we can’t get over the fact that she got accidentally infected by Red Kryptonite. So, please, for the love of God, just act normal,” she tells them before she activates the portal.</p>
<p>When they all exit the portal and arrive at the lab, even Lena is stunned.</p>
<p>She couldn’t have been gone for more than fifteen minutes to pick up their friends and at that time, Kara has managed to flip Lena’s world around.</p>
<p>Her normally bland and colorless lab has turned warm and comfortable with the help of a few well-placed lamps and tea lights. There are sofas and beanie chairs and Lena dreads to ask how Kara brought them there. Even the unavoidable chamber in the middle of the lab doesn’t look so menacing when it is absolutely riddled with tea lights and warm-colored sheets. There is soft music playing somewhere and Kara has already set up the dining table Lena bought a few days back. And Kara? She’s on a simple, sleeveless white dress that clings to her so perfectly and falls to just above her knee. Her hair is down in gentle curls and she has a fair bit of make up on her.</p>
<p>Lena stands there frozen for a second as she bathes in how perfect everything is. As if in slow-mo, she watches as everyone moves past her to greet Kara and Kara is warm and smiling and, while her hugs are awkward and her talks with them are stiff at best, she hugs them all the same.</p>
<p>“Good job, Lena.” Alex whispers, pulling Lena out of her reverie.</p>
<p>“I wish I could take credit for this. But, this is all Kara. My only contribution is that dinner table and the transmat portal. And the wine and scotch, of course,” Lena answers and then leans in further, “The good stuff is on the cupboard above the refrigerator. Go crazy,” she smirks and gestures to the newly installed kitchen.</p>
<p>Alex makes a beeline for it.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Eliza, Winn, and Kelly volunteer to finish the meal preparations so Kara can rest. Kara’s smile is warm and while she still has trouble sticking around long enough to have an actual decent discussion with any of them, she does her best to at least go around and ask how everyone is, even Mon-El.</p>
<p>However, the remarkably different way she treats Lena does not escape everyone’s notice.</p>
<p>When she’s finished saying hi to everyone and welcoming them, Kara finds Lena cradling a half-empty scotch glass. Wordlessly, Kara goes in for a hug, and her taut stance for the last few minutes instantly disappears. <em>“Safe,” </em>she mumbles and this time, it hits Lena differently.</p>
<p>It’s the same inflection Kara uses when she gets in after a tough fight, all bruised and bleeding.</p>
<p>“Are you okay?” Lena asks when Kara pulls away.</p>
<p>“Yes, better now,” Kara answers with a confident smile. “Come on, the lasagna is almost done so we can all start dinner.” And Kara pulls her by the hand, their fingers intertwined, and doesn’t let go until Lena is seated at the head of the table.</p>
<p>“Uhmm…Kara? Shouldn’t Eliza be seated at the head of the table?” Winn asks uncertainly, then looks to everyone for support. Everyone just stares back at Winn with a warning.</p>
<p>Eliza is starting to say “No, it’s oka—“</p>
<p>But Kara looks him square in the eyes and says, “This is Lena’s place and we are her guests so she will sit at the head of the table.”</p>
<p>There is no room left for argument and everyone finds their seat. Kara to Lena’s right and Alex beside Kara. Lena leads Eliza to her left with an apologetic smile and Eliza squeezes her hand in understanding. Mon-El sits beside Eliza with a smug smile. Beside Alex are Kelly, James and Winn, while Sam and Ruby, sit beside Mon-El.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>For the most part, they all exchange idle talk with Kara just listening in, politely but curtly responding when spoken to and deflects all compliments back to Lena. Lena dismisses it and says Kara is just being humble.</p>
<p>“Oh hey, Lena,” Alex says, “I spoke to Clark a few weeks ago and he mentioned a few medical features on Kara’s chamber? I was thinking maybe could dip into the DEO’s budget and have L-Corp install something like that? Do you maybe have an estimate on how much that would cost?”</p>
<p>“Sorry. Features? You mean to tell me that’s not just a glorified prison cell?” Mon-El asks and Alex glares at him.</p>
<p>Lena, on the other hand, coolly replies, “Well, the light barrier can be switched with a yellow or red sun lamp at the push of a button. There’s also non-invasive but accurate scanners all around the chamber that monitors all kinds of bodily functions in real time, eliminating the need for annoying wires. As I told Clark, the only reason it isn’t in hospitals right now is because it is exceedingly expensive to make, even without the barriers and sun lamps. But don’t worry about the cost, Alex. As soon as Kara is ready to move back to her apartment, I’ll have this entire unit transferred to the DEO.”</p>
<p>“Don’t forget the cup holder,” Kara adds softly but with a wide grin, sending a wave of laughter around the table.</p>
<p>“Wait, so you’re thinking of moving back to our apartment?” Mon-El looks at Kara and, to Lena’s astonishment, Kara’s grin disappears and is replaced by a subtle scowl.</p>
<p>“As soon as you vacate <em>my</em> apartment, Lena and I have agreed I should try and start spending some nights there,” Kara answers.</p>
<p>“That’s a great idea, sweetie,” Eliza says, smiling at Kara. Kara flashed her a gentle smile back and Lena just wanted to melt at how warm it all was.</p>
<p>The discussion goes from there to the newly installed kitchen, where Lena’s preference to cold black coffee is ostracized, and the walk-in closet that, according to Alex and Sam, is an explosion of attires that span the entire spectrum of lesbian fashion. Lena glares at Sam while Kara tilts her head to Alex in question.</p>
<p>“Don’t worry, about it Kar,” Alex says, trying—and failing—to hold back her laughter, “Lena will explain it to you one day.”</p>
<p>“Just because you asked Kelly out—“ Lena starts saying when Kelly cut her off.</p>
<p>“I’m sorry that is a lie. I asked Alex out. She was taking too long.”</p>
<p>“Oh my god, Alex,” Sam laughs and Alex turns beet red.</p>
<p>“So, I’m sorry. I can’t get over the fact that you installed these things when you knew that Kara isn’t staying.” Mon-El says when the teasing died down.</p>
<p>“Mon-El?” Alex starts, a warning.</p>
<p>“Oh, it’s fine, Alex,” Lena waves at Alex, “It’s a fair question. And the honest answer is that even before Kara moved in, I’ve been spending quite a lot of time here. My only concern is I may get too comfortable here and never go home.” Lena laughs lightly.</p>
<p>“Speaking of comfort, I wanted to ask about a certain blue-eyed blonde that I met a few days earlier. She looks a bit like Kara but prefers the company of shady people and likes to wear leather and spandex. Sound familiar to you, Lena?” Mon-El is leering, a smug smile on his face.</p>
<p>Lena’s mind stars running at full throttle and she braces herself. She fiddles at her phone and gets a button ready.</p>
<p>“What’s going on?” Winn asks, looking around the table.</p>
<p>Lena ignores Winn and looks at Ruby and Sam. “Ruby, I’m going to need you to go to the elevator, the one I showed you earlier, press the button at the top and wait in my office please. I’m afraid whatever is going to come out of Mon-El’s mouth is not suitable for children.” Lena says the last part through gritted teeth, glaring briefly at Mon-El.</p>
<p>Sam nods at Ruby and while Ruby protests, she follows and stomps to the elevator. There is an awkward, choking silence that descends the room as they all watch Ruby disappear towards the elevator.</p>
<p>In the interim, Lena leans back on her chair, closes her eyes, and centers herself. She harkens back to dinners with a tyrant of a mother, a sociopathic brother, and an emotionally distant and perpetually unavailable father. Her heart slows and her mind focuses sharply. The chaotic rush of blood to her entire body is settled and the nerves that had been shot just a few seconds earlier are calm. When she opens her eyes, Lena is a picture of stone-cold, emotional void.</p>
<p>Lena, in this moment, is a Luthor.</p>
<p>As soon as the elevator door closes, Mon-El continues.</p>
<p>“You think I wouldn’t find out about that? Or about your NDA’s cause you’re too scared people will find out how fucked up you are. I’ve seen what she can do. Explains a lot, really. And you played us all so well too. Pretending to be the poor, battered victim, when you are anything but that,” he continues with the same leering, angry tone.</p>
<p>It does nothing to Lena. This is nothing compared to all those years…</p>
<p>“Mon-El, stop this.” Kara says but Mon-El ignores her.</p>
<p>“Admit it, Lena. You enjoyed it when Kara—“</p>
<p>“I would advise you to choose your next words <em>very</em> carefully, Mon-El.” Lena warns him, her tone impassive and cold. </p>
<p>“Why? You don’t want everybody to hear all about how you actually enjoyed it when Kara raped you to within an inch of your life? Or how you pay someone to hurt you every week? I mean…it’s not a stretch of the imagination to think that you deliberately sought out a Red K infected Kara and took advantage of the situation just to get your itch scratched. After all, to a pain freak like you, that’s gotta be like the ultimate high, right?”</p>
<p>“Lena? What is he talking about?” Kara asks in a small voice, her hand shaking.</p>
<p>“Hold on, Kara <em>raped </em>you?” Sam’s voice rose above the din, “I thought it was just a violent fight between you and Kara when she was infected. What the hell?”</p>
<p>At the corner of her eyes, Lena sees the very thing she never wanted to happen. Kara was withdrawing back to herself.</p>
<p>“They—they didn’t know? You never told them? Lena? Who knew?” Kara looks at her with a pale face.</p>
<p>“It’s just you, me, Mon-El, and Dr. Cunningham, Kar,” Alex replies.</p>
<p>“But— You kept this from them? And what is Mon-El talking about?” Kara ignores Alex and is looking at Lena.</p>
<p>Lena takes a second to consider everything but ultimately comes to the conclusion she knows makes sense. When she speaks, her voice is cool, crisp and disarming in its emptiness of any discernible emotion.</p>
<p>“First, I kept it from everyone who didn’t need to know. It’s bad enough that they’re judging you for something you had no control over, I didn’t want that extra judgment piled on top of it. So, I asked them to keep it a secret.”</p>
<p>“But—Lena…” Kara protests but Lena just continues.</p>
<p>“Second, Mon-El is talking about the fact that I hire a dominatrix most Friday nights to hurt me. There’s nothing sexual about it, it’s just pure pain. And she doesn’t stop until I am on my knees and begging. Take away from that whatever you want. But he sees this as undeniable proof that what happened a few months back is me asking for it. He’s wrong, but I suspect we’ll get to that later.”</p>
<p>Mon-El is angrier now but Lena is more concerned at the vacant look on Kara’s face.</p>
<p>“You’re a Luthor. I know better than to take you at your word. You’ve been brainwashing Kara and keeping her here locked up to do your bidding,” he says.</p>
<p>“Fine. If that’s the hill you want to die on. If you must know, I gambled and lost that evening. I went to where I knew she was going to be. It was only by pure dumb luck that the infected Kryptonian sent me back to my apartment to taunt Alex after she was done with me. But every moment of that was real and it hurt beyond imagining.”</p>
<p>“So, wait… You knew where she was hiding but you didn’t tell us?” Alex asks, her brows knitted.</p>
<p>Lena sees Kara in her periphery, watching, the light slowly fading in her eyes.</p>
<p>“Yes, when you called me and explained, I had an idea where she would be. I couldn’t tell you for reasons I cannot disclose.”</p>
<p>“You cannot disclose, or you won’t disclose? Lena! We could have avoided all of this if you had just told us where she was. You didn’t have to go th—“</p>
<p>“Please don’t finish that sentence, Alex.” Lena cuts her off and tries her best not to look at Kara.</p>
<p>“It doesn’t matter now. It’s done. Lena has played us for fools in a twisted attempt to split Kara from us and control her.” Mon-El says, a smug expression playing in his face.</p>
<p>“That serum…”Alex starts, suddenly remembering.</p>
<p>“Ah. I’m glad you brought it up. I’ve been wondering when you would.” Lena says, her voice still as unaffected. She stands and quickly walks to the hidden vault and takes out another clear serum, similar to the one Kara used on herself. Kara’s eyes widen. <em>She remembers.</em></p>
<p>Lena places the serum on the table in front of Kara.</p>
<p>“I’ve been working on this for quite some time now. It’s based on Lex’s research, but his original intent was to torture Kryptonians. He didn’t like the unintended side-effect of course, because it flushes out any trace of Kryptonite. I adjusted the formula to make it more effective in removing kryptonite, but I found that the better it is at removing toxins, the worse the pain gets. I should know, I tested it on myself with a harmless dose of green kryptonite. And saying it hurts is an understatement.  The worst part is that it flushes it while you’re passed out. So you feel like your veins are on fire but you can’t do anything about it for a few hours. It’s an absolute waking nightmare. I hadn’t gotten around to testing it on an actual kryptonian as I’m sure you would understand why. But I hypothesized, based on biological differences and sound logic, that the effects would be just as bad if not worse. And seeing the look on Kara’s face now, I’m right.”</p>
<p>“…it’s why you were apologizing when you woke up. You knew it would hurt Kara.” Alex’s face is a mixture of anger and confusion.</p>
<p>Lena nods, “It was a failsafe. I wanted her out of the hideout, but she found the serum. She must have known that I would use it to knock her out. But she didn’t know what it was. She wanted to be found so she used it on herself. She didn’t know…” Lena explains. She is sure her tempered inflection isn’t winning her any favors at the moment but it was the only way she can tell her side without getting emotional and losing track of the discussion.</p>
<p>“Luthors really do deal only in secrets and lies, don’t you?” Mon-El says with mock disappointment, the smug grin betraying him.</p>
<p>“I haven’t said a word of lie,” Lena retorts.</p>
<p>“Stop lying to us, Lena!” Mon-El explodes with a fist on the table and it echoes all over the lab.</p>
<p>
  <em>Thank god for Nth metal.</em>
</p>
<p>“She’s not lying though.” Kara’s voice, small, shaky and uncertain breaks the echo. Everyone turns to look at her.</p>
<p>Lena sits down and leans back as she watches Kara struggle against herself</p>
<p>“She can’t tell you where I was hiding because I asked her to keep that place a secret years ago. And she couldn’t call for back-up at the time because my infected self sent her a message, confirming where I was and threatening to bring down the building, burying everyone, if she tells anybody else or brings back-up. We are talking hundreds, maybe thousands of people. For security reasons, I still cannot tell you where it is.”</p>
<p>Kara takes a deep breath and continues.</p>
<p>“And it is true, the serum hurt, but it wasn’t as bad as Lena described. But Lena—she saved the lives of all those people by coming willingly and I hurt her to make a point, not to Lena but to myself. And I remember all of it, being unable to fight my urges and just—hurting Lena. Again and again and again, no matter how much she begged me to stop. And then when I was done, I brought her to her apartment. I didn’t know what the serum does, but Lena was trying to keep it a secret so I knew it was meant to subdue me in some form. So I—I took the serum but I’m still not sure why I did. I just remember thinking happily about the chaos of its consequences…and I passed out after that.”</p>
<p>“But Kara, you have to admit that—“</p>
<p>Mon-El never gets to finish his protest as Kara sweeps the dining table with one hand, sending it hurtling to the far wall, smashing everything in its path and ending up lodged in the wall with a deafening crash.</p>
<p>“I am done watching Lena painstakingly prove herself worthy of people’s trust only to be called a villain whenever it’s convenient, or to have her motives questioned just because her <em>hobbies</em> seem questionable to you. She protected me at the risk of her reputation. She protected Ruby from an inconsiderate jerk like you. That’s all I need to know and I—“ Kara is shaking, her fists balled and knuckles white…and Lena knows she has to move.</p>
<p>She takes off the cold Luthor persona and quickly stands and gathers Kara in her arms.</p>
<p><em>“See? You’re safe, Kara…” </em>she murmurs over and over again, until she feels Kara deflate and wrap her arms around Lena. <em>“Safe”</em> Kara mumbles into the crook of Lena’s neck. After a few minutes, Kara steps away.</p>
<p>“Thank you all for coming to visit. I’d like everyone to leave now, please.” Kara says in an even but small voice. “Lena, if you please?”</p>
<p>Lena nods.</p>
<p>Silently and without protest, everyone starts to stand. Lena picks up her phone and dials Ruby to give her instructions on how to get back down the lab.</p>
<p>“Kara, please let us at least help clean up.” Eliza gently says. Kara says nothing but shakes her head before heading to her chamber and putting the barrier up.</p>
<p>“And Mon-El?” Mon-El turns to Kara and for a second his face looks hopeful. But Kara’s voice is tired and angry. “Don’t ever show your face to me or Lena again. This is the only warning I’ll give you.”</p>
<p>The elevator dings and Ruby walks out, confusion on her face as she watches all the adults slowly, with head bowed, amble towards her. Lena walks forward and configures the portal for their use.</p>
<p>“Aunt Lena?” There’s a hundred questions painted on Ruby’s face but Lena just smiles and shakes her head.</p>
<p>“Ask me again in ten years and I’ll tell you everything you need to know,” Lena answers with a wink.</p>
<p>And when Eliza hugs Lena goodbye and muttered apologies, the portal closes, and Lena releases a breath she isn’t quite sure when she started holding.</p>
<p>She looks around and sees Kara, head bowed, perched on the edge of her bed. She walks toward her, not really knowing why, and for the first time, crosses the protective barrier.</p>
<p>“May I?” Lena asks with hands held out.</p>
<p>Kara stands and folds in to Lena’s space, and the tears flood. “I’m sorry, Lena. I’m so sorry… I’ve… I’ve been hurting you, all this time. And you’ve just been so protective of me and I haven’t done anything to even… I’m so sorry. I really don’t deserve—“</p>
<p><em>“Safe.” </em>Lena whispers in the middle of Kara’s rant and it quiets her best friend. It is a promise as much as an assurance and Kara understands.</p>
<p>The tears still come but slowly now, and Kara tightens the hug, holding on to the other woman as if Lena is the very foundation of her being and if she lets go, she will crumble to nothing. When the tears have finally stopped, Kara dips her head in the crook of Lena’s neck and places one reverent kiss before whispering back, <em>“Safe.”</em></p>
<p>The world might as well have ended and Lena would never know, as her heart soars to a million universes before cradling back down to a Kryptonian who was looking at her in wonder.</p>
<p>“May I?” Kara whispers and Lena nods, not exactly sure what she agreed to.</p>
<p>But she didn’t really have to wait too long to find out anyway as the single kiss into the crook of her neck multiplies into many more. Lena whimpers and sighs happily, tilting her head to give her more access. Kara slowly trails up her neck, tracing her jawline, up to her chin, and finally, <em>finally,</em> rests on her lips in a kiss so gentle, Lena thought she had imagined it.</p>
<p>“I’ve always wanted to do that,” Kara whispers into the tiny space between their lips.</p>
<p>And the world slams Lena sideways as echoes upon echoes scream back at her.</p>
<p><em>“I’ve always wanted to do that…” </em>the voice that echoes back is dark and cruel, not at all like her gentle Kara, but eerily sounding like her. And it swallows her mind whole, pushing her into a darkness she’s kept at bay for the longest time.</p>
<p>
  <em>“I’ve always wanted to do that…”</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>“I’ve always wanted to do that…”</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>“…always wanted to do that.”</em>
</p>
<p>Something is calling to her, in the distance, something that sounds like Kara. But even the darkness sounds like Kara. And it’s calling to her. Everything sounds like Kara.</p>
<p>“Lena…?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  
</p>
<p>
  
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>*whispers* Did you get it?</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Please note that this is the last chapter in Lena's POV.</p>
<p>That is all. Carry on.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Come follow me on Twitter (@TheLazyBam) where I think I'm funny but I'm actually not. You can also scream at me in all caps there, if you're into that sort of thing.</p>
<p>-Bam, The Lazy One</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Atlas</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hi!<br/>Bam here.</p>
<p>You guys really are the best. Did I ever mention that? Cause the comments are just so much fun, and the kudoseses are &lt;3</p>
<p>So, as you might have guessed, we are now going to move to Kara's POV.</p>
<p>Also, I wasn't supposed to post this till Monday, but I had some time today before... anyways.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Enjoy?</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Kara panics.</p>
<p>Lena’s eyes are glassy and blank like she’s not even there and Kara has no idea what is happening.</p>
<p>She tries to do a mental rundown of what happened. They hugged. She started kissing Lena on the neck. Judging by Lena’s reactions, she was okay with it. <em>Was she really okay with it? Oh Rao…</em></p>
<p>But then she kissed her on the lips and confessed and Lena froze. What is happening right now?</p>
<p>“Lena…?”</p>
<p>It’s empty, the voice that replies, “I have to go home.”</p>
<p>“Oh. Uhm. Okay,” Kara tries not to sound disappointed but clearly something is already bothering Lena so she lets her go.</p>
<p>She watches as Lena mechanically, wordlessly, walks out. As soon as the elevator doors close, Kara begins to pace.</p>
<p>
  <em>What would Lena do? What would Lena do? What would Lena do?</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Lena would be dogged and annoying and pushy and will not take no for an answer. But Lena—there’s always a method to her seeming madness and knows what she’s doing and I have no idea what I’m doing and—what is happening?</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Wait—it’s Friday. Mon-El said something about Fridays…</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>The dominatrix.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>But that’s private and none of my business.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Kara Zor-El, why did you have to kiss her? Everything was going great and I’m hugging her and she’s so soft. Why did I have to ruin everything by kissing her?</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>I should apologize. Okay, that’s a good idea. With flowers. No, that’s cheesy and she might get the wrong idea. Well, it’s the right idea but—that’s not the idea I want her to have right now. Clearly, she doesn’t feel the same way and giving her flowers…</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Okay so, yes to apologies. No to flowers.</em>
</p>
<p>Kara paces. Her brows are furrowed and she chews on her bottom lip. In her panic, she doesn’t even notice that she has dislodged the table and has started cleaning up.</p>
<p>
  <em>That disgusting cold coffee she likes. And kale. Maybe I can make a joke and buy a bunch of kale and make a bouquet of kale…stop thinking about flowers or kale, Kara. Yes on the coffee, no on kale bouquet.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>But not now.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Because Lena’s… it’s Friday and she…</em>
</p>
<p><em>Don’t think about her in— </em>And despite Kara’s best efforts, she thinks about leather and whips and Lena on all fours. <em>Stop that.</em></p>
<p><em>Lena needs her space…for her </em>hobbies<em>. It’s Friday and there’s another woman on Lena’s bed, probably. And this is making me irrationally angry but this isn’t about you, Kara.</em></p>
<p>
  <em>Lena needs space.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>I’m going to give her that space, but I’ll also apologize tomorrow. With disgusting coffee and chocolate donuts.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>And I’m going to settle for hugs, because she’s my best friend.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Fix this, Kara.</em>
</p>
<p>Seemingly happy with this shambled plan, Kara looks around and is somewhat surprised that she managed to gather all the broken plates. She sighs.</p>
<p>She knows if Lena had not hugged her, she would have lost control. The dent on the wall and the broken plates are stark reminders of what she can do, of all the worst things she could have done.</p>
<p>A buzz on her phone breaks her out of her thoughts and she hurries to her bed, hoping…</p>
<p>Sam Arias: <em>‘I don’t care what’s going on with you right now, Kara. But I need answers. We both know Lena isn’t about to say anything so I need them to come from you.’</em></p>
<p>Kara quickly types out her response.</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Why here?” Sam asks. She’s back in Lena’s lab, an hour after they all left, with Kara inside the chamber, the barriers up. Kara has had enough time to clean up and mentally prepare herself for Sam. At the back of her mind, she wishes Lena was there. But… it’s time.</p>
<p>“Because I do not trust myself around anyone but Lena,” Kara’s voice is sure. “This way we can talk and I know I can’t hurt you.”</p>
<p>Sam nods, her eyes glaring. “So, talk.”</p>
<p>Kara is watching the patterns on the marbled floor of her chambers. They’re smoky, black, gray but predominantly white. “Alex called me the day before it happened. There was an explosion in the lab. Nobody was hurt but the fires needed to be contained and some equipment needed to be lifted out. Everything went smoothly. I remember going home feeling tired.</p>
<p>“The next day, I knew something was wrong. It wasn’t an out-of-body experience so much as I felt like someone else was controlling me. Someone else’s thoughts were running in my mind and I can hear it almost. Those were my thoughts, I think, amplified about a hundred times. I remember going to <em>that place</em>—“</p>
<p>“That place, you mean the one you and Lena can’t talk about?” Kara almost jumped when she heard Sam’s voice. For a moment, she forgot about Sam.</p>
<p>“Yes. My body went there knowing no one else but Lena would find me. There were all these thoughts, intrusive and repetitive and dark and I knew what it wanted but I couldn’t stop it. I had no control. My body texts Lena and I wanted to cry. I hoped Lena would be too busy, like one of those days when she couldn’t even pick up her phone, but of course she came. Sam… I saw Lena fall apart in my hands. I had so very little control that even if all I wanted was to sleep with her, it was still… I’m Kryptonian. I could break her so easily... And Sam…”</p>
<p>Kara doesn’t feel the tears until they were falling on her lap. When she starts speaking again, Kara hears her voice, hollow and shaking as the memories come flooding back.</p>
<p>“I watched the light from Lena’s eyes disappear. I heard her crying and begging but I couldn’t stop. And the worst part was that it felt so, <em>so good</em>. My body craved what it did and enjoyed every moment of it. I pushed Lena’s body and mind to its absolute limit. Enough to cause her immense pain and breakdown, but not enough to kill her. And then it was over and I—“</p>
<p>Kara almost chokes as she desperately holds herself together. She sees Sam move to her and immediately fear races in her veins.</p>
<p>“No, Sam. Stop,” Kara cries and a bit of relief washes over her when Sam freezes. “I—I’m a monster, I know. It’s why I’ve kept myself locked in. I tried to stay away but Lena kept looking for me. And she’s convinced I’m good. But I’m not good, Sam. Those were my thoughts, my desires, my darkness… Red Kryptonite removes control but it doesn’t let you do things that you haven’t thought of doing. It won’t suddenly make me want to eat kale, for example… which means somewhere deep inside me, I’ve always wanted to do <em>that</em>… and to Lena.”</p>
<p>For a moment, there’s silence, only punctuated by Kara’s sniffling.</p>
<p>“I don’t remember much of what I did when I was Reign,” Sam starts saying, her voice barely above a whisper. “But that’s different from what happened to you. Reign is another entity with her own agendas and thoughts. And I was never aware when Reign took over my body. Which, all things considered, is still a blessing in disguise for me. When it was all over and I moved back to Metropolis, I would sometimes get nightmares. Like residual memories of what my body did as Reign. I called Lena and we talked and she listened. Then, she told me something I’m going to tell you now… ”</p>
<p>Kara shifts restlessly but looks at Sam who was no longer angry, but more emphatic and sad.</p>
<p>“Lex and Lena grew up in the same environment, under the same tyrannical mother and alcoholic father. Sure, Lillian favored Lex but, according to Lena, she was fair in terms of punishment and discipline…in that they were unspeakably brutal regardless if it was Lex or Lena. Even though Lillian openly despised her, Lena was still afforded the same opportunities and luxuries as Lex. And yet, Lex went insane, Lena did not. At the end of the day, Lena always chooses to be good, despite the overwhelmingly easy choice to be evil.</p>
<p>“But that same choice was taken away from me when Reign took over. And that same choice was taken away from you when you were infected. Lena didn’t blame me then. And it’s also why Lena doesn’t blame you now.</p>
<p>“So, you’re not a monster simply because you thought about having sex with Lena. I mean, I wouldn’t blame you. She’s gorgeous and she knows it. You’re not the first person who’s wanted her, and you’re not going to be the last. But if we’re going to be judged by our thoughts, I’m even more of a monster than you. On the way here, I wanted to skin you alive and thought about a million ways to hurt you. And I’m sure you’ve heard Lena rant about murdering people when she’s having a bad day. The difference, Kara, is that something external took those desires to the forefront and allowed your body to act on it without your express permission.”</p>
<p>Kara sighs. Sam is right, she knows it. But it doesn’t take away the guilt, no matter how much Lena has assured Kara over and over again that she doesn’t blame her. It’s worse now because kissing Lena pushed her away. But she doesn’t want to think about that now.</p>
<p>“Sam?”</p>
<p>“Yes, Kara?”</p>
<p>“When Mon-El mentioned the dominatrix, you didn’t seem surprised.”</p>
<p>Sam laughs shortly.</p>
<p>“I had an idea about it, not the specifics, of course. Just that I know Lena had certain <em>proclivities</em>, to put it mildly.”</p>
<p>“Right… and how long has this—“</p>
<p>“Not sure, actually. I’ve been friends with Lena for a good four years now. I only found out about a year into our friendship and only by accident. You know how good she is at keeping secrets.”</p>
<p>Kara is thoughtful for a moment.</p>
<p>“Why does she do it? She said there’s nothing sexual about it. Just pain.”</p>
<p>“Again, I’m not sure. But Lena…” Sam’s smile is thoughtful, if a bit sad. “Well, you know Lena. She does everything so well that I think we’ve forgotten just how human she is. When I saw how broken her body was, I cried. I’ve never seen her look so weak before. But she looked at me like I’m the dumbest person alive for crying about that. She assured me she was going to be fine. A couple of weeks later, she’s terrorizing Alex and the DEO, and reading to you. So, I don’t know why she feels the need to hurt herself, but maybe that’s something for you to find out, Kara.”</p>
<p>“This is the longest conversation I’ve had with someone who isn’t Lena for the last six months,” Kara says without really thinking about it.</p>
<p>“Oh, it’s all in the voice,” Sam shrugs but with a grin. “You must have noticed it with Lena. It’s not quite the same level as hers when she demands something and will absolutely not take ‘No’ for an answer, but I’d like to think I’m getting there.”</p>
<p>They talk some more, mostly about Ruby and her soccer practice and the other soccer moms, before Sam looks at her watch and confirms that she has to go. Before leaving, Sam turns to Kara.</p>
<p>“Hey Supergirl? Take care of her, okay? Lena might know how to carry the world on her shoulders and look drop-dead gorgeous doing it, but who’s carrying her?”</p>
<p>Kara nods.</p>
<p>If she can save the world, surely saving her best friend can’t be that hard.</p>
<p>(She finds out later that it is much, <em>much</em> harder than she thought, not in the least bit helped by the fact that her best friend is convinced she does not need saving.)</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Kara’s half-baked plan to apologize to Lena falls to the sideways as Saturday comes and she finds herself busy with Supergirl duties all day. It’s bad enough that she has to worry about people who cannot help but film stuff for the views despite being in immediate danger, there is also the fact that Lena hasn’t replied to any of her texts.</p>
<p>Everyone is walking on eggshells around her again after her brief outburst the night before and Kara tries to understand them, tries to ignore the careful way they navigate their conversation, as if every single progress she made over the past few months meant nothing. They are afraid again.</p>
<p>It should bother her more, but she keeps finding herself thinking about the radio silence on Lena’s end.</p>
<p>Eventually, by sometime close to midnight, the fights and the saving and the heroics die down and Kara is exhausted. Her phone is silent. Lena hasn’t texted or called at all.</p>
<p>She thinks about dropping by Lena’s apartment but she stops herself by saying that Lena needs space. After all, she did just drop a bomb on Lena. It wasn’t much of a confession of feelings, but it was pretty close to it…</p>
<p>She heats some leftover, loads some movie, and eats dinner alone for the first time in months. She texts Lena ‘how are you?’ and ‘good night’ and waits… and waits… and waits.</p>
<p>Nothing.</p>
<p>Eventually, she drags herself to bed, plays Lena’s recordings on speakers this time and listens as Lena’s voice echoes in the chamber, lulling her to sleep.</p>
<p>She’s never felt so empty before.</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Sunday comes and still no Lena.</p>
<p>She tries calling her. Nothing.</p>
<p>She tries Sam. Sam says she talked to Lena briefly last night but it was about a merger. Nothing seemed off. And Sundays are Lena’s only day off, so she could be resting.</p>
<p>But Sundays are cleaning days for her and Lena. Well, Kara cleans while Lena does maintenance, upgrades and updates on the chamber, the data storages, and some of her other projects.</p>
<p>She tries Jess but all she learns is she had a full day yesterday, and a full calendar for the rest of the week too.</p>
<p>This seems familiar, to be honest. She’s seen this tactic before.</p>
<p>Because it was hers.</p>
<p>She did this to Lena before. And the only reason she was unsuccessful was because Lena was dogged, methodical, and unrelenting in her pursuit to pull Kara out of her darkness.</p>
<p>So there’s no reason she couldn’t do the same to her best friend. Kara can be dogged and unrelenting too… it’s the ‘methodical’ part that she’s having a problem with.</p>
<p>She’s used to just barreling through her problems with barely a plan. But that same thinking was how she almost died when she went to Smallville… thinking she was ready when she was clearly not, and then one day waking up to find Lena asleep at her desk, holding vigil over a stupid, stubborn kryptonian.</p>
<p>Well, that’s not going to be good enough for Lena.</p>
<p>But Lena is avoiding her which means—</p>
<p>Kara manages to spend the day trying desperately not to consider how her heart is shredding with each passing second.</p>
<p>This was the reason she settled for Mon-El, and she had been right. Falling in love with your best friend is the worst idea ever. This is exactly why she had pushed her feelings aside and allowed someone else in… someone who turned out to be an absolute disappointment in the end.</p>
<p>
  <em>I really shouldn’t have kissed her. I shouldn’t have asked for more. I should have just settled for the hugs and the hand-holding and the constant companionship. Settled…</em>
</p>
<p>Kara calls Alex to ask if there was anything she can do, any help they needed at the DEO. She sounds desperate, but she needs something to get her mind off this gnawing feeling in her chest, like someone pulled out her heart and is gripping it so tight it might burst any moment.</p>
<p>“I’m sorry, Kar. I think we did such a good job yesterday, Sunday is all peaceful and quiet. Not even a cat stuck in a tree,” Alex says over the line. “Not that I’m not happy with this enthusiasm, but is everything okay? You sound exhausted.”</p>
<p>Kara tries not to sigh. “Everything’s fine, Alex. Just bored I guess. Let me know if you need help.”</p>
<p>Alex asks again and she insist she’s fine.</p>
<p>She’s not.</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Monday and Lena shows up for breakfast but Kara can tell something has changed.</p>
<p>She couldn’t quite put her finger on it, but there’s almost like a gap, or maybe a wedge, invisible and oppressive. But Kara is just happy Lena’s there at all. She feels stupid for feeling this way, for feeling so desperate to have any piece of Lena at all… no matter how small or seemingly out of reach she is.</p>
<p>But Kara tries to apologize anyway.</p>
<p>“Lena, about last Friday…” Kara begins.</p>
<p>“If you’re going to apologize on behalf of your ex-boyfriend, please don’t bother, Kara,” Lena cuts her off with a small wave of her hand. It isn’t mean, it’s just… flat.</p>
<p>“Well, no. Actually, it’s what happened after that—“</p>
<p>Lena sighs and smiles at Kara, but even that was distant, not quite reaching her eyes.</p>
<p>“As far as I’m concerned, you did well in controlling yourself. Please don’t beat yourself up over it. Besides, we hugged and I went home and everything’s fine.”</p>
<p>Kara’s heart stopped.</p>
<p>
  <em>What…</em>
</p>
<p>“Lena, what did you say?” Kara hears the tremble in her voice.</p>
<p>“Hmm? I said everything’s fine,” Lena repeats with a questioning look.</p>
<p>“No, before that. Can you—can you tell me what happened after everyone left?”</p>
<p>“Are you okay, Kara? You look pale,” Lena says, reaching out and gently touching Kara’s hand.</p>
<p>“I—I’m fine. I just need you to tell me what happened after everyone left,” Kara insists.</p>
<p>She sees the confusion in Lena’s face, but something in Kara’s expression must have convinced Lena. “Well, Eliza left and I went into your chamber and we hugged and—hmm. Then I went home I suppose.”</p>
<p>Lena’s brows knit together and Kara watches her carefully. “That’s odd. I can’t actually remember much after everyone left. I must have been drunker than I thought.”</p>
<p>
  <em>She doesn’t… that’s not possible.</em>
</p>
<p>“Is that normal? Not remembering anything after your…uhmm… session with the dominatrix?” Kara tries again.</p>
<p>Lena looks at Kara. “No, I didn’t have a ‘session’ last Friday. Otherwise I wouldn’t wake up in the same outfit I wore that evening.”</p>
<p>Kara is quiet. She clears her throat as she pushes her eggs around her plate.</p>
<p>“And uhmm, how do you uh—how do you normally wake up after these sessions?’</p>
<p>Lena smiles. “Well, aren’t you a curious little puppy? Fine, if you must know. I normally sleep naked after. I’d be so exhausted and in so much pain, I could hardly summon the strength to dress myself.”</p>
<p>Kara blushes and tries very hard not to think, not to imagine. She does. “The uhh… She doesn’t help you?”</p>
<p>“No, I send her away immediately when she’s done. You know how I am with my privacy.”</p>
<p>“Right… that makes sense.”</p>
<p>“Is there something I should be remembering, Kara? Did something happen?” Lena asks.</p>
<p>
  <em>Should I lie?</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Yes</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>NO</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>I shouldn’t.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>I should.</em>
</p>
<p>“We kissed.” <em>Dammit.</em></p>
<p>Lena blinks. “What?”</p>
<p>“That is—well I kissed you. And I thought—I thought you liked it… but it was like just a small one and—I mean, clearly you didn’t like it—“ Kara stands from the table and starts pacing “—cause if you did you would at least remember it, right? And I’m sorry, Lena. I’m so sorry…”</p>
<p>She feels it then, this soft, warm embrace that always manages to stop her.</p>
<p>
  <em>“Safe, Kara…”</em>
</p>
<p>Kara folds and rests her head on Lena’s shoulders. <em>“Safe.”</em></p>
<p>Kara pulls away and looks at Lena and something stops her. “Lena you’re—“</p>
<p>Lena blinks again and then it dawns on her.</p>
<p>“Oh god, wait. Why am I crying?” she asks as she frantically wipes the tears falling down. “Kara?”</p>
<p>Kara panics but by instinct steps forward.</p>
<p>There’s a moment where Kara sees the sheer terror that crosses Lena’s face before Lena steps back. She takes a couple more steps backward, widening the gap between her and Kara.</p>
<p>“The tears won’t stop, Kara. What is happening?” Lena says in distress and she shakes her head. “Something else happened. I do not just forget, Kara. You know my memory. Pink cardigan, white slacks, ponytail. That’s what you wore the first time we had lunch together. You ordered two Big Belly Burgers, large soda and large fries. I had a nicoise and a glass of white wine. That was two and a half years ago. I do not forget. And I certainly do not just cry.”</p>
<p>Kara balls her fists and bites her bottom lip. “I swear to you, Lena. That was it. We—I kissed you and I confessed that I’ve always wanted to kiss you and you just—you froze. And you said you wanted to go home so I let you go. I thought you were upset and needed space so I didn’t follow after—Lena?”</p>
<p>Lena is not so much frozen as just staring at Kara with this stormy expression.</p>
<p>“Don’t say it, Kara,” Lena says in a whisper.</p>
<p>“I don’t understand, Lena,” Kara blinks, confused now.</p>
<p>“That day, when it happened. Before you stabbed yourself with the serum. You whispered something to me. Do you remember what you said?”</p>
<p>Kara narrows her eyes and—</p>
<p>“I’ve—“</p>
<p>“Don’t say it,” Lena hisses. Kara watches as Lena takes a second to compose herself… and there it is. The armor. “I suspect something in my mind was triggered when you unfortunately echoed the same thing to me last Friday.”</p>
<p>Kara is about to say something when Lena’s phone rings.</p>
<p>“I have to go, Kara. I’ll see at you lunch?” Lena’s tone is back to her usual, composed self and it breaks Kara’s heart but she nods and watches as Lena walks towards the elevator.</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Over the next few days, they go back to a sort-of reset. Like the kiss never happened. At least in Lena’s mind it never did, because she still can’t remember it.</p>
<p>But Kara remembers it all, and has seen for the first time part of the devastation she has left on Lena’s psyche. While Lena never really showed her the physical marks, careful to wear long sleeves and turtlenecks and scarves until the bruises and the marks faded, Lena was even more careful not to reveal the damage to her mind…</p>
<p>And therein lies the problem.</p>
<p>Lena has been strong and steadfast throughout all this. She has done what she can to help Kara while Kara soaked it all in and basked in her care, taking what she needed and generally going about it in her own pace. Lena was patient and kind and never complained or grumbled through the worst of Kara’s tantrums.</p>
<p>All the while, Lena has been struggling by herself.</p>
<p>
  <em>But she did say it… I was just too oblivious, too self-centered to see it all. She said she took care of me and L-Corp as a way of taking care of herself. If I had just listened, I would have figured it out sooner.</em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The thing that bothers Kara the most about all of this is that she is just figuring out how hard it’s all going to be. Unlike her, Lena is private and rarely lets her guard down. It’s part of the reason why Kara never saw her breakdown.</p>
<p>Over the years, Kara has watched Lena slip into her personas: <em>The CEO, The Luthor, The Scientist</em>… but she is very rarely <em>Just Lena</em>.</p>
<p>She wears her personas like perfect armors. Because <em>Just Lena</em> is raw, vulnerable and has no armors to speak of.</p>
<p>And the Lena that Kara brutally savaged that day… was <em>Just Lena</em>.</p>
<p>She can’t even begin to imagine just how deep those wounds go, but she will try and help heal them just the same. Lena deserves nothing less than that.</p>
<p>Now, if only she could see <em>Just Lena</em> again.</p>
<p>Because over the past few days, since their dinner, Lena has been resolute in wearing her armors. She slips between each persona easily, never a moment of vulnerability. She still does their hugs and is just as warm and accommodating as always, but that’s also <em>The CEO</em>. She talks to Kara and asks her about her day and she listens intently, almost as if she were taking critical notes, and that’s <em>The Scientist</em>. She never sees <em>The Luthor</em> because that’s something Lena doesn’t likes wearing unless she absolutely needs to.</p>
<p>There’s also Lena’s tendency to self-isolate.</p>
<p>Ever since the dinner, she has been distant. Not to Kara, never to Kara. But to everyone, even Jess.</p>
<p>Unlike the time she pushed people out when Kara ran away, now she’s impressively evasive. She hardly talks to anyone and has been pushing herself to work that she stays past midnight and well into the early hours of dawn at the lab, just working.</p>
<p>It’s as if that one instance has forced Kara to see Lena through a different lens, one that now sees Lena’s coping mechanisms so clearly… and to her horror, Kara realizes she’s been feeding it.</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Lena, you haven’t been sleeping,” Kara decides to confront her one morning when she wakes up to Lena still working at four in the morning.</p>
<p>“Sorry, Kara. Did I wake you?” Lena replies. <em>Evasive.</em></p>
<p>“No, I needed to pee. But you’re still here. You’ve been staying up for some nights now. Is everything okay?”</p>
<p>The almost imperceptible hitch, the slight hesitation, “I—I’m fine. Just really busy,” she replies absentmindedly, as she continues to study the blueprints in front of her. <em>A lie.</em></p>
<p>Kara walks silently towards Lena and when she was a foot away, she asks, “May I?”</p>
<p>Lena looks at her, slightly confused, but nods.</p>
<p>So, Kara moves in and hugs Lena. <em>“Safe, Lena…”</em></p>
<p>And Kara feels Lena tuck in to their hug.</p>
<p>Still wrapped around Lena, she asks, “Do you want me to fly you home?”</p>
<p>Lena sighs into their hug and nods.</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>They land in Lena’s balcony, minutes later and Kara is saying goodbye.</p>
<p>“I’ll head back to the lab and call Jess in a few hours and tell her not to bother you today,” Kara says.</p>
<p>“Or you can stay here, if you like…” Lena says as she walks in.</p>
<p>Kara hesitates, as if she could actually say no to Lena, “I’ll stay until you fall asleep, is that okay?”</p>
<p>“Please…” the voice that replies is scared and small, and it squeezes at Kara’s heart.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Oddly enough, Kara finds herself seated on the other side of Lena’s bed as she watches her best friend fall into a fitful sleep. She sits there, unmoving, watching all the micro twitches, the slow, rhythmic, inhale and exhale. It’s the first time Kara notices just how exhausted Lena is. There are rings under her eyes, usually expertly concealed by make-up. Her brows are furrowed even as she sleeps.</p>
<p>And then the nightmares come.</p>
<p>At first, it was just groaning, her breathing turning heavier and heavier. Then came the pained moans and she shakes her head from side to side violently. Kara tries to tap her gently to wake her up, but the groaning and the shaking intensifies and Lena is sweating.</p>
<p>“Lena, wake up, please,” Kara doesn’t care that she sounds frantic, but Lena isn’t waking up.</p>
<p>Something happens then that tears Kara’s heart apart.</p>
<p>She hears it: Lena’s voice, small, pained and desperate.</p>
<p>
  <em>Please. Stop.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>It hurts. Please.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>It hurts.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Stop.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>This isn’t you. This isn’t you…</em>
</p>
<p>She hears the terror, the despair and the pain as Lena begs over and over and once again, Kara is helpless. Once again, Kara is an outsider, watching as her universe collapses to a single point of sheer, agonizing dread, repeatedly.</p>
<p>And yet, even there, even at her absolute worst moment, Lena believes in her.</p>
<p>
  <em>This isn’t you.</em>
</p>
<p>Kara’s tears fall and her vision blurs but all she sees is her best friend, all she hears is Lena’s pain.</p>
<p>And out of desperation, she gathers Lena in her arms, lifts her up so that Lena is sitting on her lap and Kara cradles her. <em>“Safe, Lena…”</em></p>
<p>Like a prayer, she mutters it over and over again, rocking gently between sobs and tears. Kara doesn’t even know if Lena can hear her, but it is the only thing she knows how to do, and so she holds on to Lena, cradled in her lap, and she whispers to her <em>“You’re safe now, Lena…”</em></p>
<p>Eventually, Lena stops struggling and begging and she falls into a deep sleep, her head nestled on Kara’s shoulders.</p>
<p>They stay like that, the Kryptonian burrowing her entire existence safely within her arms, and the world disappears around them.</p>
<p>
  <em>“Safe.”</em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I had to heavily edit this chapter from its original form because I wanted to give you *some* reprieve. Like a calm before the storm sort of thing. We all know Lena's not about to crack that easy. She has her coping mechanisms and they've served her well for a reason: they work.</p>
<p>My next update will be on Monday, 12nn EDT.</p>
<p>Sorry. It's not that I want to torture you (I do, but that's besides the point) but needlessly awkward family weekend gatherings are a thing and it takes a massive toll on me. Dinners are especially murder. And then of course there's the whole Supergirl on Sunday thing.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Come follow me on Twitter (@TheLazyBam) where I say awkward things out of context because I have nothing better to do with my life.</p>
<p>-Bam, The Lazy One</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Friend</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hi!<br/>Bam here.</p><p>I know it's late and I'm sorry. But I had a terrible weekend and then my migraine decided to join the fun and then there's the whole Supergirl episode that just... plus there's also *insert more excuses here*</p><p>But you know what? You guys are the best cheerleaders with your comments and kudoesies, it definitely made something terrible at least worth suffering through.</p><p>TW: slight mention of child abuse.</p><p>Also, alternate title: The one where Lena has a long-ass speech that the author couldnt edit properly for some reason.</p><p>Please, as always, let me know what you think.</p><p>Enjoy?</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>They don’t talk about Lena’s nightmare.</p><p>She observes Lena as closely as she can without being conspicuous… and Lena doesn’t seem to mind. In fact, if anything, Lena prefers that Kara is with her, at all times. For the most part, they’ve gone back to their old routines, except Kara can see just how much sleep Lena is losing, how much easier it is for her to get irritated, and how much more she has to keep composing herself.</p><p>Kara tries to pry gently, asking personal questions out of nowhere. But Lena is impressively evasive and has made it a sport to trip Kara up instead.</p><p>At one point, Kara tries to ‘jokingly’ suggest they should probably go to couples’ counselling. Lena laughs, really laughs, and says she knows how broken she is, she really doesn’t need a second opinion… and then seriously adds that her concern for her privacy is paramount and having a doctor poke around in her head feels like too much of an invasion.</p><p>To be fair, Kara understands why.</p><p>As the only free Luthor, she is under scrutiny at all times. Every moment she is out in public, every attire, every word that comes out of her mouth is shredded and examined as if she is nothing more than a piece of meat… and a single flaw is proof enough that she is just as evil as the rest of her family.</p><p>So that’s the end of the discussion on Lena going to therapy.</p><p>Kara, however, realizes that she has one advantage that may prove to be useful in trying to help her best friend.</p><p>And her sister is currently dating her <em>advantage</em>.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“You know this is all highly unprofessional, right?” Kelly Olsen asks as she sips her tea, a small smile playing on her lips.</p><p>They are in a diner close to where Kelly works. It didn’t offer much in the way of privacy but Kelly had insisted that whatever they are going to discuss cannot take place in her office and also she was fully booked for the next few months. So either Kara can see her in the evenings—which is never an option because that was all the time she had with Lena these days—or they can grab lunch together.</p><p>Lunch it is.</p><p>“Well, I’m not really sure what to do anymore, Kelly. She absolutely refuses to see a therapist, for understandable reasons, and well, her armor is always up,” Kara groans, careful not to use Lena’s name in public.</p><p>“Okay, but what do you hope to achieve in talking to me about it?” Kelly asks, gently.</p><p>“I—okay but please promise me you won’t tell Alex, for now?”</p><p>Kelly looks at Kara, no judgment evident, but more of a curiosity. She nods. “As long as it doesn’t put you in any danger, I won’t tell Alex.”</p><p>Kara takes a deep breath and starts explaining her situation, still careful to not mention Lena’s name.</p><p>Kelly pauses to consider Kara carefully before slowly speaking. “So, what you’re asking me is how you can help your <em>‘friend’ </em>recover from her trauma. Do you want my professional opinion?”</p><p>Kara nods.</p><p>“Well, if your <em>‘friend’</em> was my average trauma patient, I would recommend some time apart for the two of you, to fix, or at least try to fix, all underlying issues separately before you can pursue anything involving each other. I would even dare say that you both have entered a co-dependent relationship, which is never good and is based on shame and control,” Kelly says delicately, but firmly.</p><p>Kara feels her heart plummet, and her face shows it. Kelly clears her throat</p><p>“But I have to throw that assessment out the window because your situation is unique. And your <em>‘friend’s’</em> mental capacity is unique as well. Most people would have broken down far sooner. But I think, that’s where the tricky part lies. Most trauma victims would have visible signs, triggers, tells—something that would allow loved ones to help. But her walls are Fort Knox, it seems. And she managed to help you superbly while keeping her pain to herself. She never seeks to control you, nor does she blame you for anything, at least as far as I can tell,” Kelly continues, her eyes fixed intently on Kara.</p><p>“Your friend is a dream case study for any psych, to be honest. But with that being said, I think that despite your past, you are in an excellent position to help your friend. So, if you’re going to ask me what you can do to help, I think you’re doing well enough, but perhaps here are a few pointers you can take with you…”</p><p>“Oh, hold on. One moment,” Kara brings out her pen and pad and Kelly smiles widely. “Okay, I’m ready.”</p><p>Kelly nods. “Be her friend.”</p><p>Kara blinks, expecting more. And when Kelly allows her to let that sink in, Kara’s face contorts into one of confusion.</p><p>“That’s it? But isn’t that why I’m here? Because I want to help her. Because I’m her friend,” Kara explains, still confounded by the small but patient smile on Kelly.</p><p>“Well, what do friends do? Real, actual friends?” Kelly asks.</p><p>“Friends listen. We support, protect, and help and never let go…” Kara answers truthfully.</p><p>“Good. Clearly, you already know what to do.”</p><p>“But—that’s not exactly what I came here for. Le—my <em>‘friend’</em>, she’s methodical. She probably had a step by step plan in her head when she was helping me. And clearly it worked out, because I’m here talking to you even though there’s nothing I want more right now than to go to her and be by her side. I—I don’t feel safe. I feel like I could lose control anytime, but for her, I’m here and I—“</p><p>Kelly clears her throat, loudly enough to jar Kara.</p><p>“Sorry. I—uhh… I tend to ramble,” Kara hangs her head.</p><p>“It’s okay. I just needed to stop you from escalating,” Kelly smiles. “There isn’t really a step by step plan, though, Kara. You just need to be patient. Don’t push her, but always be willing to listen. Let her initiate and when she does, be open to what she will say. Do not judge her feelings. She will have mood swings that you’re going to have to just roll with. Do normal stuff. Don’t treat her any differently than how you used to treat her. If you can surround her with friends, all the better. When she asks for space, give her that. When she asks for a hug, give her that too. But always, always make sure to make time for yourself.”</p><p>Kara furiously writes writing everything down, then frowns as she re-reads her notes.</p><p>“But this is what I mostly do anyway.”</p><p>“Didn’t I say you already know what to do?” Kelly quirks an eyebrow knowingly.</p><p>“So… so it just takes time?”</p><p>“Pretty much, yes. Time and a lot of patience. You will have to chip at her armor little by little and she has a formidable one, as far as I can tell.”</p><p>Kara furrows her brow in thought. This wasn’t what she was expecting, but it is definitely helpful. She looks at her notes again and she is struck with the sudden thought that all the things Kelly said were just about everything Lena did for her.</p><p>“Kara, I remember you mentioned that you are moving back to your apartment?”</p><p>Kara nods absentmindedly.</p><p>“Good. Was she the one who suggested this?”</p><p>“Yes. We had a talk before that dinner, and she said I might be ready to move back. But the original plan is to spend just a few nights a week at first and then we’ll assess from there.”</p><p>Kelly smiles and shakes her head. “Your <em>‘friend’</em> truly is a wonder. Even when she tries to help you, her mind is clinical and laser-focused. She’s practically gift-wrapped for a therapist to pick apart and study, really.”</p><p>Kara scoffs. But it is true. Lena really is a wonder. Their situation should be like the blind leading the blind. Except, Lena is a genius so that even when handicapped, she managed to help Kara. Too consumed in helping her friend that she hasn’t healed at all.</p><p>Kelly makes a hesitant sound, but clears her throat, “But Kara… I need you to understand this. And I need you to understand that what I’m about to say next is not meant to discourage you, but to set your expectations properly,” Kara nods as she watches Kelly take a deep breath. “Most trauma victims will always carry a piece of their tragedy with them. Some still feel a wave of panic or anxiety, some carry physical scars. Your <em>‘friend’</em> may never completely recover from that incident. From how you describe her, she seems like she has an eidetic memory, and it is a blessing and a curse. The ability to forget fragments of painful memories is a thing that ultimately helps us heal. Your friend doesn’t have that luxury. As you say, she remembers everything. We can only hope that in time, she can use that memory to build on something better. What it is, only she can tell. But that doesn’t mean you give up. Friends don’t give up on each other. Friends don’t let go.”</p><p>Kara is silent as she contemplates everything Kelly said.</p><p>
  <em>I won’t let go.</em>
</p><p>So Kara drops the methodical approach and goes back to just being Kara.</p><p>
  <em>Her Kara…</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  
</p><p> </p><p>As was planned, Kara, with Lena in tow (wearing a fitted, plain black t-shirt with sleeves rolled up, tight jeans, and honest-to-Rao sneakers because “Kara, you’re making me spend my Sunday cleaning up your apartment, might as well wear something comfortable. Don’t look at me like that. I do wear ‘<em>normal’</em> clothing.” But by the looks of it, her <em>‘normal’ </em>attire is still more expensive than Kara’s monthly rent.), begins to move some of her things back to her apartment.</p><p>She’s grateful at least that nothing much has changed in her apartment, although a few plates and mugs were missing. Sure, the draperies need laundering and the sheets need to be changed. The refrigerator needs to be cleared and the cupboards have to be wiped clean because Mon-El apparently can’t be bothered with some thorough cleaning. But at least her leafy friends look alive, barely, but alive nonetheless.</p><p>And that is how they find themselves one Sunday morning, elbow deep in cleaning materials, or at least Kara is.</p><p>Lena is in charge of ordering food, changing sheets and doing the laundry. Kara tries to cheat by speed cleaning. One stern look from Lena, however, stops her and she dejectedly slows down and cleans like a normal person.</p><p>“I know you know that your pout is your most powerful weapon, Kara, but that’s not going to work on me today,” Lena says. “This is what you get for actually making me do chores. My own mother never let me do chores, and she is Lillian Luthor.”</p><p>Kara’s pout disappears as her jaw drops, along with the brush that she is holding.</p><p>“Did you just say you don’t do chores?”</p><p>“Kara,” Lena actually looks disappointed, “Really, <em>really</em> think about the entire time we’ve been friends. Have you ever seen me do a single household chore? Except maybe to put my dishes in the sink?”</p><p>And Kara really does try to think back and blanks.</p><p>“Oh my Rao… Lena—wait but… so how come you managed to do the sheets perfectly?” Kara asks, glancing at her bed with pristine white sheets, crisply and snuggly folded in the corners. It looks much better than she has ever managed to do.</p><p>“YouTube,” Lena answers simply.</p><p>“Okay, that’s not fair. You can use your super brain but I can’t use my powers?” Kara complains as she picks up her brush again.</p><p>“It <em>is</em> fair, because I was talking about speed. I still have to do everything in a human pace, actually slightly slower because it’s my first time doing it. But now I’m done, and I’m just waiting for the laundry to finish, so I get to watch you clean your house while I drink a glass of wine.”</p><p>Kara scowls and grumbles but proceeds to clean the rest of her apartment at a snail’s pace. Lena eventually takes pity on her and volunteers to clear out the refrigerator which was not much of a chore because there was hardly anything there. She still makes a big deal out of it and complains as if it was her death, which honestly, Kara found endearing. Every time Lena complains, Kara would roll her eyes but smile.</p><p>A few hours later, and her apartment is back to its former glory and Kara and Lena find themselves huddled on the couch with fresh sheets, wine, pizza and a movie Lena has picked out but Kara is currently struggling to watch because Lena decided to rest her head on Kara’s shoulders.</p><p>Lena also decided to lower the AC and pull Kara towards her, guiding Kara’s arm to wrap around Lena’s shoulders.</p><p>Lena hums appreciatively and Kara feels it echo and reverberate throughout her soul.</p><p>All of this, Lena initiates and Kara lets her.</p><p>“This is the epitome of comfort,” Lena murmurs as she sidles even closer to Kara.</p><p>Kara says nothing but continues to look at Lena and she can’t help the cacophony of emotions running through her body. There’s yearning, guilt, happiness and sadness too and it’s all just rolling inside her and she has no idea what to do with it. But then Lena speaks and <em>what are emotions again?</em></p><p> “What are you thinking about?” Lena asks, breaking Kara away from her thoughts.</p><p>Kara hums, “Why do you like your room so cold? Alex told me that they had to leave their jackets in your room in the Medbay because it was always so cold there.”</p><p>Lena doesn’t talk for some time, and Kara thinks Lena has fallen asleep, until she pulls out a sigh from so deep within, Kara feels a shudder reverberate all throughout Lena. When she finally talks, her voice is small and distant.</p><p>“Whenever we did something bad, Lillian would punish us severely, then put us in this empty room. She would turn the AC to as low as it can go and leave us there, no sheets, no jackets. The punishments would change depending on her mood but the cold room was a constant. I suppose, over the years, I’ve come to equate it with the end of my punishment. A comfort after the pain.”</p><p>“So… so you feel the same comfort about my warmth too?” Kara asks gently, terrified that this might break Lena and push her back into her armored self.</p><p>“Well, it’s weird for me because nothing else has been as comforting as a cold room to me. And then you came into my life with your earnestness and your warmth and it’s… confusing.”</p><p>“Sorry my warmth is confusing,” Kara says with a smile and Lena snorts.</p><p>“Shut up,” Lena actually giggles and it does things to Kara’s brain. “It’s not like that. I’m just saying, there are two things in this world that bring me comfort and they are the polar opposite of each other. One is a frostbite inducing room, and the other is the radiating warmth of a Kryptonian.”</p><p>Eventually, Lena falls asleep and Kara doesn’t have the heart to wake her up. Kara turns the TV off, and in the coldness of her living room, they both fall asleep.</p><p>Lena doesn’t have nightmares that night.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Kara stays at her apartment at least four nights a week. Sometimes more, sometimes less, depending on how brutal that day was. Lena’s lab is still her safe space, after all. But slowly, she is re-learning how to be comfortable in her own apartment. It helps that Lena has allowed her to keep some of her recordings, under the condition that they cannot be saved in any of her devices and must only be accessed through a software Lena, herself, has developed.</p><p>Sundays are still reserved for lab maintenance and chores so she spends Saturday evenings at the lab. Eventually, this evolves into a split day routine for Kara and Lena. Sunday mornings are spent at the lab, but since Kara isn’t there most of the time anymore, and since Lena has allowed Kara to use her super speed to clean, they are done with maintenance and cleaning before lunch. Then they do groceries after lunch and proceed to Kara’s apartment for some quick cleaning. Lena has taken over sheet changing duties because she has perfected it and because she wouldn’t let Kara change her sheets anymore. (“Kara, I did not buy you expensive sheets just so you can haphazardly put them over your bed.”)</p><p>Sunday evenings are spent with the AC on full blast, wine and food and couch huddles, sometimes there’s movies, most of the time there’s just the two of them reading books. Lena would be sitting on the couch with her legs tucked under her thighs and her head resting on Kara’s shoulder, too focused on what she’s reading. Kara would wrap her arm around Lena’s shoulders, and hold her own book with her free hand.</p><p>At midnight, Kara flies Lena home.</p><p>They still have lunch every day, unless there’s an emergency, mostly from Kara’s end.</p><p>Kara has also returned to CatCo., but is still wary of most people. She keeps her head down most of the time and runs out in a hurry for lunch. She has more than a dozen times politely turned down any attempt by her colleagues to find out what happened. Eventually, they leave her alone, but there are moments in the day when she feels the grip of panic rise in her, especially when people try to corner her. She still finds safe refuge in Lena’s voice. Since she can’t access her lab recordings at CatCo., Kara instead listens to Lena’s TED talk. Eventually, she downloads an MP3 of it and saves it on her phone.</p><p>When Lena found out about this, she made a voicemail recording that is basically just Lena telling Kara she’s going to be okay. And to eat more vegetables.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Out of respect for Lena, Fridays are the only evenings that Kara strictly leaves Lena alone… for her hobbies.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“So, how are things between you and Lena?” Alex asks one evening.</p><p>They are having dinner over at Kara’s at Kara’s invitation. They really haven’t had a sisters night for so long and Kara is earnestly trying to get back to near as normal as she can. She grabs their usual Chinese orders, and is silently grateful to Lena for making sure she always has wine on hand.</p><p>“Uhm. Good, I think,” Kara answers. She then describes their routine, their lunches, their Sunday schedule.</p><p>Alex picks at her chow mein and looks at Kara, chewing her bottom lip.</p><p>“Hmm. And how long have you two been dating?”</p><p>Kara nearly chokes on her garlic chicken. “What?”</p><p>“Don’t look at me like that, Kara. I mean, I’m still your sister, you know you can trust me with these things, right?”</p><p>“We’re not dating, Alex,” Kara says, indignantly.</p><p>“Uhuh,” Alex looks like she <em>totally</em> believes Kara. “But what you just described, that kind of sounds like dating. I mean, you two literally have a standing lunch and Sunday date. That’s even more than what Kelly and I have and we’re <em>actually dating</em>,” Alex says, then quickly continues before Kara can react. “Besides, I’ve seen the way you act around her, Kar. Even before you dated Mon-El, you always look at Lena like she’s the center of your universe. And you wouldn’t stop talking about her. It was kind of a surprise to everyone when you decided to go for the Daxamite instead of Lena.”</p><p>Kara looks at her sister in disbelief, “Was I really that obvious?”</p><p>Alex scoffs, “<em>Was</em>? No, you are <em>still</em> that obvious. The only one who couldn’t see is Lena. Maybe because she’s just as in love with you—‘<em>Love is blind’</em> or something. I don’t know.”</p><p>Kara sighs sullenly, dropping her potsticker back on her plate. “Yeah, well regardless if that’s true or not, I have no chance with her now. <em>This,</em> whatever this is that Lena and I have, is about as good as it’s ever going to get.”</p><p>“Kara, that’s not true. She loves you,” Alex says softly.</p><p>Kara stands and paces, wishing so badly that she had the chamber installed in her apartment. They don’t know. They don’t understand. They didn’t see Lena in pain. She balls her fist, turning her knuckles white. “I kissed her, Alex. That dinner, after you all left. I kissed her. And apparently I said the wrong thing after because it triggered her so much she forgot about it. She doesn’t remember the kiss. And now she gets these awful nightmares. She barely sleeps. Don’t you see? I can’t pursue anything more than this strange sort of relationship we have because I am scared I might trigger her again. Do you know how awful that feels?”</p><p>“I’m sorry, Ka—“</p><p>“So, please, don’t put in this silly hope of me ever having any kind of romantic relationship with the girl I love with all of my miserable being, because it’s painful enough as it is, I seriously do not need any more misery in my life,” Kara says lowly, almost pleading.</p><p>“I understand, Kara. Now please, can we just go back to eating dinner and talk about something else then?” Alex asks tentatively, watching her sister walk back to the couch and push the rest of her food around.</p><p>The rest of their dinner is spent in stilted, near-one-sided conversation, with Alex doing most of the heavy lifting.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Days blur into weeks and Kara and Lena have their routine down to pat. After Kara’s brief outburst at Alex, everyone knows better than to say anything about it. Nobody comments on it. Nobody brings it up. By now, everyone at the DEO knows Sunday is Supergirl’s day off. Only extreme cases warrant a call for her, and even when she does come, she does so grudgingly. And everyone at CatCo knows better than to look for Kara Danvers at lunch.  Rumors are, she has a new boyfriend. They’ve even seen her being picked up by a limo once.</p><p>Overhearing that makes Kara smile sadly, but she does mention it to Lena who gets the idea of sending a limo every lunch now, unless Kara is on Supergirl duties. This gets everyone in the office crazy.</p><p>Kara is still on edge most days, and while her conversations with people are getting longer and longer, she still gets upset quite easily, especially when the conversation touches on her and Lena’s relationship. But when it comes to Lena, Kara has the patience of a saint.</p><p>True to Kelly’s warning, Lena has even worse mood swings than Kara, but like Kara, these mood swings are never directed at Kara at all. Mostly, they are directed to, in Lena’s own words, “subpar, incompetent, troglodytes” who has the unfortunate fate of coming before Lena Luthor with less than one hundred percent readiness. She has even less patience for her board members who are now impossibly terrified of her. When before they would fight her for every little thing she suggested, now they cower ineptly and are even less useful than before.</p><p>As a testament to her growing moodiness, Kara has lost count the number of people Lena has threatened to disembowel in the most creative ways whenever they have lunch. It should terrify Kara that Lena can just casually mention murder most creative while she daintily eats her salad, but she’s used to it by now. And Lena never really means to disembowel any one—she can destroy their lives in much more painful ways than that.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Kara is grateful for her Friday evening rule as she drops back at her apartment, nearly dragging her feet. <em>Rao damn those Dominators.</em></p><p>She is tired and can feel her muscles complaining as she speeds through her evening routine of shower-dinner-couch/bed. She thinks about flying to Lena’s lab and using the sun lamps there, but that would set an alert in Lena’s phone and it’s Friday evening… she doesn’t want to bother.</p><p>So she allows her body to slowly relax as she sinks down her couch, a huge popcorn bowl on her lap and a season six re-run of How I Met Your Mother on her TV.</p><p>Not even halfway through the first episode and she hears keys turning and the door slowly opening.</p><p>“Lena?”</p><p>“Oh hey, Kara,” Lena breathes out. “Listen, I know you like to keep Fridays to yourself but I kind of need a break, right now. Would it be terribly presumptuous of me if I just crash in your bed for a little bit?"</p><p>Lena stands by her kitchen island, looking absolutely tired.</p><p>Next to everyone else though, she still looks divine. But next to normal Lena, she looks like she is barely keeping it together.</p><p>“You know you never have to ask permission right?” Kara answers, pointing to her bedroom. “Just don’t mess up my sheets too much. The cleaning lady who fixes that every Sunday is very particular about my sheets and will absolutely kill me if it gets too ruffled up.”</p><p>She hears Lena’s light laughter and the dull thump of a body actually falling on her bed. In a slight panic, Kara rushes to her bedroom to check on Lena and finds her adorably slumped horizontally, face first, on the bed. Her feet are dangling off the bed, shoes barely hanging on.</p><p>Slowly, she approaches Lena.</p><p>“Rough day?” she asks, as she gently removes Lena’s shoes. Lena mumbled something like an affirmation, but Kara can’t be sure. She carefully puts away Lena’s shoes to one side of the bed.</p><p>“Mind if I crash beside you?”</p><p>Lena lifts her head just enough to nod and she slumps them down again as Kara crawls beside her.</p><p>For a long while, they do not talk. Kara is looking at her ceiling, tracing invisible patterns in her head as she listens to Lena’s heartbeat, observing how steady and rhythmic they are.</p><p>“This day is hell…” Lena finally mumbles.</p><p>“Do you wanna talk about it?”</p><p>Lena raises her head again, briefly, just to glare at Kara.</p><p>Kara scoffs. “I’ll take that as a ‘No’ then.” Kara makes a move to stand when Lena stops her with a hand on her chest.</p><p>“Don’t go,” Lena mumbles into the sheets.</p><p>Kara smiles, “I don’t want to disturb you.”</p><p>Lena is quiet for a second before she turns her head to Kara, “Your presence is soothing.”</p><p>They both giggle softly. “Rao, we will never live this day down if Alex finds out we quoted the prequels.”</p><p>“It’s probably best if we don’t tell her then.”</p><p>Another bout of silence falls until Lena turns to her side to face Kara.</p><p>“Hey Kara? Why don’t you ever see me on Fridays? Why not Tuesday? Or Monday? Or any other day of the week? What’s with Friday?”</p><p>Kara stares at Lena, trying desperately hard to school her reaction, “Well, I remember during the dinner with our friends, Mon-El said something about you and having <em>her</em> over during Fridays. And I realize that that’s a thing you do and I don’t want to take that away from you. So, I stay away so you can have time for your—ehmm—<em>hobbies.</em>”</p><p>Kara feels lost for the entire time that Lena just stares at her. Several times, Lena tries to say something, takes it back, bites her lower lip then tries again.</p><p>Until finally, Lena smiles and says, “Her name is Emily. She’s a single mother who lives with her five year old son. Both her parents are at a nursing home a few hours outside National City. She visits them every Sunday. The child’s biological father ran away when he learned about Emily’s pregnancy. She worked as a barista in the morning and a dominatrix a few nights a week before I monopolized her time. All the money I pay her, she used to splits into two. One half she used to pay so her parents can live comfortably in a nursing home, the other half she stashed away for her son’s college fund. For their daily needs, she continued her barista job. So, I paid the kid’s fund in full and bought the nursing home so she doesn’t have to pay for her parent’s stay anymore. I still pay her monthly regardless if I call her or not. She now has more time with her son, and is trying to get her high school diploma so she can also apply for college.”</p><p>It is Kara’s turn to stare at Lena, dumbfounded. But Lena continues, still smiling at Kara.</p><p>“I haven’t actually called her for quite some time now. She still gets paid unless I release her from her contract which I don’t intend to do until she finishes college. Do you have any other questions?”</p><p>Without really thinking, Kara asks, “Why do you do it?”</p><p>Kara watches as a million things seemingly flicker past Lena’s eyes, before she settles on a somber look. “The first time I ever had a tantrum, I lost my stuffed bear. I remember looking all over my room and not finding it. Of course, eventually I learned that Lillian threw it away, along with the rest of my old things. But I was five years old and I didn’t really understand. So I started crying and demanding for my toy. When Lillian summoned me, she asked me to stop crying just one time and when I didn’t, she made me bend over her lap and that was the first time she ever laid a hand on me. Several, actually. She then threw me in her cold room and was told I wouldn’t be let out until I stopped crying. So I stopped, but even then, I was only let out after a few hours. After which I was served the warmest soup and given a heavy and warm blanket. I remember being unable to stand or sit properly for days after that.”</p><p>Kara reaches out and gently touches Lena’s hand. “You don’t have to continue, Lena.”</p><p>But Lena shakes her head and smiles at Kara, “No—no I think I want to. Will you let me?”</p><p>Kara nods but doesn’t let go of Lena’s hand.</p><p>“Lex and I, we tried to be perfect, but we were kids. So, we would break the rules and somehow, we would always, <em>always,</em> get caught. As if the rules were there for us to break them and for Lillian to catch and punish us. We were taught to be clinical, logical, and that emotions were weakness. So, I think I grew up never really knowing how to process emotions. I told you, I know how broken I am. At first, I turned to alcohol, but it really didn’t do much, plus it made me sick and unable to think clearly.</p><p>“And then one day, I was out with some people and we went to this bar, and I got curious. They had these private rooms. So I tried it. She was a tall brunette, and she used the paddles on me until I apologized. She asked why I was apologizing and I, in pain, said I was sorry for breaking the rules, for going out without permission… basically apologized for everything I did wrong that Lillian didn’t know about. I went home that evening, turned the AC all the way down, and fell asleep. I felt nothing the next few days, only pain. And Kara, I’ve been familiar with pain all my life.</p><p>“The first time I got my heart broken, I felt so bad, I went back to that dingy bar, and I apologized for breaking her heart, for not being a good enough girlfriend, for not spending enough time, for not being emotionally capable of handling a serious relationship. I went back again and again until one day, I wasn’t feeling bad anymore. Eventually, I turned to physical pain to numb the emotional pain. It’s easier to manage because I knew how. It became worse when Lex went insane, and the ensuing mess drove me back repeatedly, to apologize for not being able to help Lex, to see what was happening to him. I apologized over and over again to everyone he has hurt, everyone my family name has hurt. And the worse the pain got, the number I felt afterwards.</p><p>“And then I met you. And you were this impossibly bright ray of sunshine. You trusted me with your secret and we became friends and I didn’t know how to deal with that, but I didn’t have to because you were just the easiest person to get along with. You were open and kind and warm and you broke through all of my walls as if they were nothing… And I had all these confusing mass of things gathering and roiling inside me and I didn’t know what they were but it didn’t matter because I had you. For at least a year I didn’t have to hurt myself because I could turn to you and somehow you could make it all better. But then I lost you to him and that gathering ball inside me became unbearable. So I hired a blue-eyed, blonde Emily. And I apologized to her. I apologized for not being happy for you when you were clearly so happy with him. I apologized for wanting more from you when you have given me more than I could ever deserve. I apologized for having all these feelings and not knowing what to do with them. I apologized for betraying you, for wanting you, for wanting more.</p><p>“Mon-El is partially right, you know. In a twisted way, I went there that day knowing I would get hurt. I anticipated at least that much. Somewhere in the middle of it, I started apologizing. I couldn’t really say why. But I kept saying I’m sorry. In the middle of it all, I found a tiny hint of absolution. Because for the first time, I could actually apologize to you. It didn’t matter if you were under Red K, because I knew you could hear me. And for a little while, I could tell you how deeply sorry I was—I am. And then I woke up and Alex told me how broken you were, and I couldn’t have that, Kara. You are the only thing that makes sense in my life. So, despite the pain, despite the memories, the anxieties, the fears, I gathered all my pieces, sat on that wheelchair, and came to you.</p><p>“So, why do I do it? Because I don’t know how to deal with this,” Lena takes Kara’s hand and lays it flat on her chest, right above where Lena’s heart is. Kara could feel Lena’s heartbeat, strong and steady. “I don’t know how to deal with it when it is screaming at me. But the pain takes over it and it doesn’t feel so heavy.”</p><p>Kara is at a loss. Here are the answers she had been wanting and now that she has them, she has no clue what to do. But there’s always been just one thing she knew she could offer. The one thing she knew she could give Lena.</p><p>“May I?” Kara asks and Lena nods.</p><p>Kara turns to Lena and gently wraps her arm around Lena’s shoulder. Lena adjusts her head so it is resting on Kara’s other arm and her forehead is on Kara’s chest. She drapes her hand on Kara’s waist and sighs.</p><p><em>“Safe, Lena…” </em>Kara mumbles on to the top of Lena’s head.</p><p>Lena mumbles back, <em>“Safe…”</em></p><p>
  <em>“Always.”</em>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>That whole speech was longer, trust me. and I wasnt in the right mental space to edit them over the weekend because I could somehow relate and I really, really, really, did not need further triggers. Hence, another reason why it's late.</p><p> </p><p>Come follow me on Twitter (@TheLazyBam) where I nearly broke up with my GF because she said KMcG is "kinda pretty, I guess"</p><p>(I'm kidding, I would never)</p><p>-Bam, The Lazy One</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. Butterflies on Fire</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hi!<br/>Bam here.</p><p>Because I needed Lena to have a break, after that SG episode last Sunday that I'm still sort of mad about despite Mel's </p><p>excellent directorial debut, here's 6300 words of sorta fluff and minimum angst.</p><p>I am also just continually floored by your kind words and the kudoles.</p><p>Also, note that the number of chapters have changed, because I keep editing stuff in and out. (I just added one chapter, </p><p>it's fine.)</p><p>Unbeta-ed so all mistakes are mine.</p><p>As always, please let me know what you think and I will maybe try to answer your questions.</p><p>Enjoy?</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>So this is her reality now.</p><p>They are in the middle of the bed and Kara’s arm is on Lena’s waist. Lena is snuggled so close to her, she can feel Lena’s breath on her chest.</p><p>Sometime after Lena poured her heart out last night, she fell asleep out of exhaustion. All that Kara managed to do was rearrange their sleeping positions properly so that Lena’s legs and feet weren’t dangling off the bed. She tried to be respectful and sleep on the couch instead but every time she gets off the bed, Lena mumbled and complained so Kara stayed.</p><p>Still, out of respect, she kept her distance and tried to stay on one side.</p><p>But, she supposes, subconsciously they just came together like that in the middle of the night.</p><p>She’s read about butterflies in stomachs but honestly, all she feels is a kind of giddiness. Her heart is beating so hard and fast; her nerves so shot, she feels like flexing all of her muscles but she knows she can’t because there’s a very fragile human tucked under her chin and wrapped within  Kryptonian arms. It’s a war of desires.</p><p>On the one hand, she really does want to pull Lena impossibly closer to her. She is in control. She knows just how much power she needs to do that without actually hurting Lena. And she could just imagine the joy that would run through her entire being if she does that.</p><p>On the other hand, Kara considers Lena, for the first time. Really, actually considers her.</p><p>She has learned that Lena will not be pushed only because she is extremely vulnerable. That her armors are strong and intact because she relies on them so heavily, but that the one wearing the armor has not healed at all. She is still broken and battered and a little pressure damages her psyche so much, she actually blocks an entire evening out of her memory.</p><p>And this is the same Lena that can remember all of Kara’s different orders, depending on Kara’s moods.</p><p>This is her reality now: to deny herself and put Lena first, finally.</p><p>So she keeps still, waiting for Lena to wake up and—</p><p>“You know, this is the first time I’ve fallen asleep in someone else’s bed in my work clothes,” Lena murmurs.</p><p>“In my defense, I didn’t think we’d actually sleep all night. I thought we’d just cuddle and talk like old times.”</p><p>And Lena… <em>Oh Rao…</em> Lena actually burrows closer and the slight movement—</p><p>
  <em>Oh. That’s the butterflies in the stomach thing. Huh.</em>
</p><p>“We never cuddled in bed,” Lena corrects her with a tiny snort, “And we barely talk when we cuddle because you’re always making me watch something when we do, or we read stuff.”</p><p>This is only somewhat true. Because only Lena <em>was</em> watching. Kara always manages to stare at Lena when she watches films and TV shows that Kara recommends. There’s always that glint of learning and wonder that Kara has never seen in anyone… and it fascinates her. She’s seen Lena bored of listening to geniuses, but a firefly singing about his great love of the northern star somehow lights Lena up and makes her teary-eyed. And man, when they watched Game of Thrones, Lena was so absorbed, she hardly noticed that Kara never looked away from her.</p><p>“Okay, well if you like, I can drag the TV here and we cuddle properly next time… I mean—that is if you want to do this again.”</p><p>Lena hums, “You know, I actually slept really well last night.”</p><p>“So, that’s a ‘yes’ on our next cuddle session?” Kara asks, desperately trying to hide the fact that she’s too excited.</p><p>Lena laughs, “Only on the condition that I do not wear a six thousand dollar suit to bed, and instead can raid your closet for something more comfortable to wear—what?”</p><p>Kara stares owlishly for a breath. “Lena! You weren’t kidding when you said you spend more on your suits in a week than I spend on my food in a month? Six thousand dollars—and for an office attire?”</p><p>“Why would I joke about that?”</p><p>Kara shrugs. “I don’t know. Maybe you just wanted to reassure me that my feeding capacity is not gonna be a burden to you.” And then in a smaller voice, she adds, “That I’m never gonna be a burden to you.”</p><p>Lena cups Kara’s jaw and pulls it down. For the first time that morning, they are looking straight into each other’s eyes. And Lena’s are boring into Kara’s. “I made the math in my head some time ago, you know. I can stop working today, right this very second, and I can feed you and the twin Kryptonian kids you said you want, assuming they have the same appetite and daily caloric needs as you, and the needle gauge on my bank account would hardly move. All the money I need to feed you and your kids, I have already earned. I can stop now and you will never go hungry again, and that’s even accounting for inflation.”</p><p>Kara narrows her eyes. “Why—why would you even think about something like that?”</p><p>Something happens then that Kara never thought she will ever see happen in her expansive lifetime: Lena blushes. Not some light pink blush—no. It was full on near tomato-level red that spread from her cheeks to her ears and, Kara assumes, down to her neck.</p><p>“Lena?”</p><p>Lena abruptly lets go of Kara’s jaw and burrows her head and mumbles something even Kara’s hearing couldn’t understand.</p><p>“Lena? You’re going to have to be clearer than that,” Kara says, trying, and failing, not to smile.</p><p>She feels Lena take a deep breath. “We were out on lunch. I invited you to this rather pricey place and I saw you hesitate on ordering, so I offered to pay. And well… I thought about how much you spend on food versus your current paycheck at the time. And then I remembered you mentioning something about wanting twins, and I thought about how much you would spend on their food. And then I started thinking about how much you would be earning at the current trajectory of your career. You can’t possibly stay as a single mother to twins, so you must have a partner and then—“</p><p>And Lena stopped.</p><p>“So you think whoever my partner will be must be able to afford feeding three Kryptonians, right?” Kara helpfully supplies. With a little bit of hesitation, Lena nods.</p><p>“And a thought passed through your head that <em>you</em> are more than able to feed three Kryptonians, accounting for their lifespan and inflation rates.”</p><p>It isn’t a question. And it makes Kara blush as Lena nods again, slowly.</p><p>Kara is still trying to absorb everything when Lena suddenly sits up and turns to Kara, hair disheveled, six thousand dollar suit crumpled and still looking impossibly good.</p><p>“Kara, go on a date with me.”</p><p>It is Kara’s turn to sit up. <em>This is real, right? I’m not dreaming, right? She just asked me to go on a date—wait what kind? Hold on. Is this real?</em></p><p>“Lena… what?”</p><p>Lena brushes her hair back with her fingers and smooths her suit and <em>Rao damn it all, she’s perfect.</em> Two simple strokes and she went from a bedhead to a goddess.</p><p>Lena takes another deep breath, this time she exhales slowly and Kara knows this is Lena calming herself. Sure enough, as Kara listens, her heartbeat is steadier now.</p><p>“Please, go on a date with me.”</p><p>And before Kara could protest, Lena adds, “And on a romantic context. Not like friendly date. We’ve had tons of those already. But like a proper date. A <em>date </em>date. With flowers and wine and maybe some soft music and a waiter wearing a tux—“</p><p>“Stop,” Kara laughs, “Okay. I get it. You want to go out on a date with me.”</p><p>“A real, actual, romantic date, Kara. Say it,” Lena insists, her pale green eyes shining.</p><p>“Lena Luthor wants to go on an actual, real, romantic date with me,” Kara says wryly.</p><p>“And?” Lena asks, expectant. Pale green eyes shimmering with something Kara couldn’t place.</p><p>Pause.</p><p>Kara huffs. “Fine. I’ll go on a date with you.”</p><p>“Well, don’t sound so excited.” Lena rolls her eyes but smiles widely.</p><p>“This better be a good date, if you’re being so annoying about it. But also please make sure you don’t overspend again.”</p><p>“Oh, you just wait, Kara Zor-El Danvers. I’m gonna wine and dine the heck out of you…<em>on a budget.</em> But it’s gonna be so good, I will blow all the other dates you’ve had out of the water, and consequently ruin all the dates you will ever have with other people because nothing else will compare.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>‘<strong><em>Emergency. At home</em></strong>,’ is all the text message she sent to Alex and in no less than ten minutes, Alex is barging into Kara’s apartment, out of breath and pale.</p><p>Lena left ten minutes earlier, after having breakfast, as she still had so many things to do, even though it’s a Saturday. As soon as Lena left, Kara texts Alex.</p><p>“Kara? What happened? Is it Lena? What happened?” Kara can hear Alex’s breath, coming out in labored puffs, trying to catch up to her heart.</p><p>“I’m going on a date,” Kara says, twisting her fingers.</p><p>She watches as Alex tries to mouth off words, hesitating, closing her eyes, and then pinching the bridge of her nose with a heavy sigh before she tries one more time. “And uhm. Okay. Clearly, this constitutes as an emergency to you. So, may I ask… <em>why</em> is this an emergency?”</p><p>Kara can see the struggle in Alex, the way she’s trying very hard not to sound patronizing.</p><p>“Because it’s with Lena.”</p><p>There’s a brief pause where Alex just blinks at Kara. And then, “Say that again?”</p><p>“I’m going on a date with Lena.”</p><p>And then Kara sees Alex run to her and hug her so close, she could feel Alex’s heart beating. “Oh, thank God. Finally.”</p><p>Kara is about to ask what the hug was for when Alex raises a finger. “Before you say anything, I have to know: Who asked whom out?”</p><p>It’s Kara’s turn to blink. “She asked me out. I don’t really see why that’s relev—“</p><p>“Okay. Hold on, one sec,” Alex cuts her off, dials a number, and puts it on speakerphone, “Arias, it’s me. Pay up. My girl came through.”</p><p>Kara could hear a strangled cry on the other line, “Oh. My. God. Lena did?!”</p><p>Kara furrows her brows and looks at Alex.</p><p>“I bet Sam that Lena’s going to ask you out. She owes me a hundred,” Alex explains self-consciously.</p><p>Kara’s jaw drops, “What? You didn’t think I would ask her out? You bet on Lena?”</p><p>She hears Sam laugh on the other line, “At the end of the day, Kara, please remember that I bet on you, okay?”</p><p>Alex’s hands are raised in mock surrender, “You bit my head off when I even suggested that she liked you too, remember? But Sam here says you’re just being dense and will eventually ask Lena out. Guess Lena got there first.” Alex shrugs.</p><p>Kara sighs, “No, you’re right. And I don’t think I’ve apologized for that, Alex. I’m really sorry.”</p><p>Alex smiles and pulls Kara into another hug. “No apologies necessary, Kar. Now, give us the details. When, where, and preferred attire.”</p><p>Sam laughs on the other line, “As much as I’d like to listen in on this sister bonding thing you two are about to have, you are ultimately about to talk about my boss and friend. I don’t want to deny knowledge of anything because, I swear, Lena has a built-in lie detector. So, I’m gonna hang up now, and Alex? I’ll Venmo the hundred to you in a bit.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> “So… “ Alex begins to say as she opens Kara’s fridge and frowns at the glaring lack of beer, “Lena, huh? How did that happen finally?” she says as she continues to open up cupboards.</p><p>“What do you mean?” Kara asks as she watches Alex continue to rummage around until finally finding a bottle of what she was looking for. There was a soft ‘aha!’ before Alex goes to the kitchen to get two glasses and pours the amber liquid.</p><p>“I knew Lena would keep one stashed in here somewhere,” Alex answers the question Kara doesn’t really ask. She sips from her glass and tilts her head towards the couch.</p><p>“Really, Alex? It’s 11 in the morning,” Kara says, shaking her head.</p><p>“Listen. My little baby sister who is definitely older than me is finally going out with this hot girl she’s been pining for, for years. I want to celebrate with a ridiculously expensive glass of scotch courtesy of said hot girl who also has excellent and expensive taste in scotch,” Alex explains.</p><p>Kara shakes her head but wordlessly follows Alex, cradling her drink.</p><p>“How did she ask you out?” Alex asks as soon as she hits Kara’s sofa.</p><p>Kara frowns. “Honestly, I just… I’m still so confused about it. We were talking about—Alex, do you have any idea how rich Lena is?”</p><p>Alex almost chokes on her scotch, “What? Well, not exactly. I know she’s richer than god. But exactly how rich is…well it changes every day, doesn’t it?”</p><p>Kara nods slowly. “Well, see, she was here last night and was so exhausted, she fell asleep still wearing her office clothes. So, this morning, we were talking and she casually says she’d rather not sleep on a six thousand dollar suit… and the conversation went on from there to the cost of feeding me and the twins I kinda maybe sort of want to have in the future… and, she just—she asked me out.”</p><p>Alex looks at Kara thoughtfully, as if weighing her words, “Did it seem like it came out of nowhere?”</p><p>“Not really. I’m not sure I can tell you how the whole conversation went. Maybe Lena will tell you one day, when she’s comfortable, but it didn’t seem forced at all. I guess, I’m partly excited, and also partly still scared.”</p><p>“Scared?”</p><p>“Lena—she emphasized that this is going to be a romantic date. Not like all the other hundreds of lunch and dinner dates we’ve had as friends… and what if—what if we go <em>there</em> and I trigger her again and she shuts off again?”</p><p>Alex wraps an arm around Kara, “Take it slow, Kar. Give yourself a chance. Lena wants this and you know she never really does anything without considering a lot of other variables. You don’t think she might have considered her triggers too?”</p><p>Kara sighs, “I guess I’m the one with hang-ups. I’m supposed to be the one helping her heal but it seems like she’s doing fine on her own. I haven’t done anything to help.”</p><p>“Maybe, this is something you need to discuss with her, Kar. But from my perspective, you’ve given her a safe space. I mean, the way you too hug each other is a very literal safe space. And maybe that’s all she needs. A space to be who she is without the risk of getting hurt. With the way her life is, that is very rare.”</p><p>“So, you don’t care that I’m going out with a Luthor?”</p><p>“If it was any other Luthor, I’d be worried. But this is Lena we’re talking about. And, really, Kara… All I ever want is for you to be happy. And she makes you happy, right?”</p><p>Kara nods, a million butterflies fluttering in her stomach, “I don’t know why I’m only seeing it now. But she always makes me happy, Alex.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>The next day, Sunday, Kara finds herself in Lena’s lab, speed cleaning as Lena stares at her chamber thoughtfully.</p><p>She blurs to Lena’s side, “What are you thinking about?”</p><p>Lena hums for a second before turning to Kara, “I think it’s about time we take this to the DEO, don’t you? I’m also thinking about installing something similar in your apartment but I’m afraid we will have to do some major renovations so it doesn’t look too conspicuous. But in that case, you will definitely lose your security deposit. And I don’t even know if your landlord will allow tearing into the ceiling and walls.”</p><p>Kara freezes as a chill runs up her spine. “Wait. So, you’re getting rid of the chamber here? But... this is—Lena, this—“ Kara gestures to the whole lab, “—this is my safe space. Not just the chamber, but you’re entire lab. There’s peace here and good memories. Only good memories, Lena. I—“</p><p>Lena cuts Kara off with a soft hand to Kara’s cheeks.</p><p>“Silly puppy,” Lena whispers with a smile. “I’m not getting rid of the chamber entirely and then kicking you out of my lab. This chamber is a prototype. I already have plans for a better one. This one works just fine but for you, ‘just fine’ will never be enough. I need the space to build a better chamber for you, possibly a bigger one so it won’t be so stifling. If it works, I aim to be able to install it in your entire home. Imagine having a home where you can heal and, if you want, be as normal as you can be with the red sun lamp, with the caveat that it will be entirely inconspicuous. It won’t be just one room but your entire home, not matter how big or small it is.”</p><p>Kara gapes, unable to form words as she stares in awe at Lena.</p><p>“Plus,” Lena says as she puts her hands down and looks thoughtfully back at the chamber again, “if you do cause trouble, we will be able to literally put you on house arrest.”</p><p>“Lena, may I?” Kara asks as she continues to struggle for coherent sentences, thoughts.</p><p>Lena nods as Kara pulls her into a hug. “<em>This</em>—“ she says as she gently rubs lazy patterns on Lena’s lower back, “—this is all the safe space I’m ever going to need, Lena. Thank you.”</p><p>And as soon as Kara says it, she understands the very truth of it. It really isn’t the lab or the chamber itself that has ever made Kara feel like she’s in control. It has always been Lena. She panicked earlier not because Lena is moving the chamber to the DEO, but because she will no longer have a reason to get to Lena’s lab and find her there in her element, tinkering at something, reading a blueprint, brows furrowed in concentration as she tries to work out complex mechanics.</p><p>Echoing what Alex said the day before, Lena is her safe space. And that is the long and short of it.</p><p>“I should be the one thanking you, you know,” Lena says, as she pulls just a few inches away to look at Kara. “Don’t think I didn’t know what you were doing, with all the questions and the probing and the shiftiness. I was ready to build my walls up higher. But then you backed off and gave me space enough to think, <em>really think</em>, and process things slowly. I’m still processing, Kara. But now, it doesn’t feel like much of a burden.”</p><p>Kara lets go and rubs her neck, smiling sheepishly at Lena. “Yeah about that. I know you said you didn’t want to go and see a therapist, but I went to Kelly and kind of gave her a broad overview. Nothing too personal, of course, but I told her that I wanted to help you. I told her what I was doing… and she basically told me to just be your friend, to be patient, and give you time. So, I did…”</p><p>Lena stares at Kara for a few seconds before she pulls Kara back into another hug and mumbles <em>“Safe.”</em></p><p>“Oh, and remind me to thank Kelly.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Tuesday, and Kara hears from Alex that Kelly spent about an hour sorting through her apartment as Lena managed to fill it with all kinds of flowers. Alex also tells Kara to tell Lena that hiring people to break into other people’s apartments, even if it was to deliver thoughtful flowers, is still against the law and that she’s lucky Kelly is not pressing charges.</p><p>When Kara tells Lena this, Lena feigns ignorance with a barely suppressed smirk. “I have no idea what she’s talking about. I don’t even know where Kelly lives. Do they have any evidence to suggest that it was me?”</p><p>To be fair, when the “break-in” happened, the CCTV in the building mysteriously shut down, and there was just one card among the horde of flowers that said, <em>“Thank you. – LL”</em></p><p>But that could have been anyone.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>The date is for Friday and Kara spends the entire week being too anxious-excited.</p><p>Not just anxious.</p><p>Not just excited.</p><p>Both.</p><p>At the same time.</p><p>She could barely sit still, she broke two office chairs at CatCo., and half a dozen more at the DEO, finally prompting her to fly to Lena and sheepishly ask for a hug in the middle of Wednesday.</p><p>“Kara? You’re practically vibrating. Calm down,” Lena says with a grin, in the middle of their hug. <em>“Safe, Kara…”</em> she adds in a mumble.</p><p>“Sorry, I’m too excited for our date. Alex is threatening to bill you for the chairs I ruined and the repairs for that one building I accidentally flew into because she says it’s your fault I’m excited and distracted in the first place.” Kara is sure her face is bright red at this point.</p><p>Lena smiles, “Tell Alex I’ll gladly pay for any and all damages as long as you come to me with these hugs.“</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>And so Friday comes and hours were spent with Alex, Kelly, Winn, Kal, and Lois arguing about what to wear before they all settle with what Kara chose at the very beginning anyway.</p><p>To make sure that nothing can get in the way of their date, Kara asked Kal, earlier that week, to be on duty for the rest of the evening, to which Kal immediately agreed to, bringing Lois with him so they can spend the weekend visiting National City and dropping by Midvale to visit Eliza before returning to Metropolis on Sunday evening.</p><p> </p><p>With instructions to dress in comfortable casual wear, Kara opted for a simple baby blue, button down dress shirt, light brown palazzos cinched at the waist, and white sneakers.</p><p>When Lena gets out of her limo to pick her up, Kara nearly swallows her own tongue. Leaving her typical power suits, Lena is in a deep red button down with black trimmings and sleeves slightly rolled up, tucked in sinfully fitted black pants and black leather boots. Her top is unbuttoned enough to be provocative, but not lewd. It’s a balance only Lena can pull off and she does so elegantly. She also manages to look even more expensive, despite the lack of accessories.</p><p>There’s also the fact that she manages perfectly to look equal parts goddess, and gallant knight in expensive button down as she holds the limo door open and smirks at Kara who is still gaping.</p><p>“Kara?” she calls out, jarring Kara who nods dumbly and finally enters the limo.</p><p>“That’s not casual wear, Lena,” Kara says as soon as she finds her words, trying desperately hard not to look just a little bit down south.</p><p>“It is to me. You’ve seen my business casual, right?” Lena answers, leaning just a little bit towards Kara and <em>Rao, help me, but her neckline is not allowed to go any lower than that or I might explode.</em></p><p>Kara clears her throat and valiantly keeps her eyes trained on Lena’s. “So, where are we going?”</p><p>Lena smiles but evades the question</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>After fifteen minutes spent talking about their day, they arrive at—</p><p>“An arcade?” Kara stares with a mix of wonder and confusion. The neon lights on the façade of the store reflecting back on excited sapphire eyes.</p><p>Lena puts on a Cheshire grin, “Yes, and I’m about to kick your ass in it.”</p><p>Kara grins smugly back, “Oh you are so on, Luthor.”</p><p>And so for the next couple of hours, Kara’s ass is handed to her solidly, including in a heated game of Tekken 5, where by the 5<sup>th</sup> and final round, a crowd has gathered around them, bets surreptitiously made and one half howling in joy, the other half groaning, as Lena dominates.</p><p>Eventually, they get politely kicked out when they both nearly cleaned out the toys in a crane machine, handing out all their winnings to the kids who were following them around. They both keep one toy each, Kara taking for herself a small, black cat plushy and Lena keeping the puppy plushy Kara got for her.</p><p>“I can’t believe you’re actually that good at arcade games,” Kara shakes her head as they walk away.</p><p>“I can’t believe Supergirl got kicked out of the arcade. Imagine the headlines: A Luthor and a Super, terrorizing local arcade.” Lena shoots back smugly.</p><p>“Yes, yes. What a terrible influence you are,” Kara deadpans, but smiles immediately afterwards. “So, where to next, Arcade Queen?”</p><p>Lena preens at the title. “Well, by now I know you’re starving and there’s a great pizza place just a couple of blocks away from here.”</p><p>They make small talk on the way to the pizza place (Miano’s), a small, mom and pop shop tucked between a laundromat and a Chinese pharmacy.</p><p>A loud, gravelly voice booms across the entire shop as soon as the glass doors make contact with the tiny bells attached at the top. “Kieran!”</p><p>Kara looks around. The interior is moderately lit, with faux leather booths, wood paneling and yellowing pictures of Italian food. It is sparsely populated with old people exclusively. The one wide window has a drawn down, wooden Venetian blinds. Strangely enough, nobody looks up when Kieran’s name is projected throughout the small shop. The diners mostly grumble to themselves but proceeds to eat, undisturbed.</p><p>A portly, balding man, races towards Lena and Kara, wiping his beefy hands on his apron. He doesn’t extend his arms, nor does he go for a hug. Instead, he stands a couple of feet from Lena and sways awkwardly.</p><p>“Raf, this is Kara,” Lena says, gesturing to Kara who holds out her hand and says ‘hi’. “Kara, this is Raf. He owns the place. Lex and I used to come here whenever we were in National City.”</p><p>“Ah, nice, strong grip. I like her already, Kieran,” Raf winks at Lena who simply smiles back. “I got your booth ready for you. Come on,” he says, gesturing to an empty booth near the back. “I haven’t seen you in a long time. How’s the brother and the mother?” he asks as soon Kara and Lena are seated.</p><p>“Both still in prison, hopefully,” Lena answers with a smile.</p><p>“Ah, just so. And uh—“ Raf gestures to Kara conspiratorially, leans over to Lena and whispers, “—is she the wife?”</p><p>Kara feels herself turn beet red but Lena, still with her smile waves a ring-less hand and whispers back, “No. Not yet. But that’s the plan. For now, she’s the date.”</p><p>Raf nods, satisfied, stands and starts to take their order.</p><p>“I’ll have my usual salad, and I know you have my wine so a bottle of that for the table, please,” Lena says and looks at Kara who is still beet red.</p><p>“I’ll have a large of your best pizza and a second glass for whatever wine she’s having, please,” Kara manages to say.</p><p>“Good. I’ll be back with the wine and some water for the two of you,” Raf smiles at both of them and walks away.</p><p>Kara sits up, somewhat recovered now. “So… <em>Kieran</em> plans for me to be her wife, huh?”</p><p>Lena doesn’t even blush when she nods, “Yep. That’s the plan. It’s still quite a ways away, but she will get there eventually.”</p><p>“Kieran seems awfully sure of herself.”</p><p>Lena’s smile drops as she stares intently at Kara. “Tell me she’s wrong,” she says, almost as a challenge.</p><p>Kara’s heart falters and she hangs her head with a sigh. “Lena, can I be honest with you?”</p><p>She can almost see the look of hesitation in Lena’s eyes. “I wouldn’t have it any other way, Kara.”</p><p>“I—I’m scared,” Kara breathes out. Unable to look at Lena, she focuses on her fingers drumming gently on the table. She watches as Lena’s fingers gently wrap around hers, forcing Kara to stare at the most intense look Lena has ever given her.</p><p>When Lena speaks, her voice is shaky and small. “What are you afraid of?”</p><p>“What if I trigger you again? What if it’s not just those words? What if I kiss you and you forget again? I mean, this week alone, I ruined almost ten chairs because I couldn’t control how giddy I was for this date. What if I lose control again and instead ruining a chair, I hurt you?” Kara hates the hint of desperation in her voice, the slight break, betraying her insecurities.</p><p>Lena’s expression doesn’t falter. “Then kiss me again.”</p><p>“What? But—“</p><p>“And if I forget still, kiss me again and again until my brain is forced to remember. Because Kara, I don’t want what happened before to stop me from making new and better memories… preferably with you. And as for control, you seemed to be doing fine at the arcade. Your fine motor skills worked perfectly, enough to empty a crane machine and you didn’t even ruin a single control pad, despite losing to all of the games against me.”</p><p>Kara was about to say something when Raf returns with their wine and some appetizers. He takes a quick look at the two women, fingers intertwined, and wordlessly scuttles away.</p><p>Kara clears her throat, not letting go of Lena’s hand, reveling in how warm and soft they are. “So, uhmm. I seem to recall I was promised flowers, soft music, and a waiter in a tux,” she teases with a smile.</p><p>Lena’s smile widens. “I thought you’d never ask,” she says and snaps her fingers.</p><p>The elderly diners slowly stand and gingerly remove their jackets to reveal tuxes and suits. Hidden under their booths are violins, a bass guitar and an acoustic guitar. From somewhere at the back, Raf, now handsome in his tux, wheels out a beautiful, black upright piano.</p><p>Before they begin, they each offer Kara a lily.</p><p>Kara gapes at all of this, unable to form words while Lena smiles at her.</p><p>“How—“</p><p>“They used to be part of a jazz band that we would hire for one of the many Luthor family galas and dinners. Eventually, my mother moved on. But I still let them use one of the rooms in the theater uptown every Friday evening so they could meet up and practice. They gladly said yes when I asked them to play for us for a couple of hours tonight—for free, might I add,” Lena answers Kara’s unfinished question.</p><p>Raf comes back, this time with Kara’s pizza and Lena’s salad.</p><p>“And are you part of the jazz band too?” Kara asks Raf who blushes.</p><p>“No, I sing in the shower, much to the embarrassment of my wife, but that’s it for me, as far as musical talents go. I am simply here a pizza place owner, and repaying a kindness offered to me some time ago,” he answers, winking at Lena before he bows and exits.</p><p>“He failed to mention that he also owns all of the businesses in this street, and they have all agreed to keep the paparazzi away. This is about as much privacy as we can get in a public setting,” Lena adds as they watch Raf walk away.</p><p>
  <em>Hold on…</em>
</p><p>“Lena? How exactly are you related to Raf?” Kara asks tentatively as she watches Lena grin.</p><p>“Business school. He calls me Kieran because he thinks that’s cooler than calling me Lena. He’s brilliant, but they were poor. He was on a scholarship and on his final year, his father got sick and was dying and he needed to come home. But he had his thesis too. If he failed that, he would lose his scholarship. So I offered to finish the last chapters of his thesis so he can go home and be with his dying father. Honestly, it’s not even cheating when all the data is there. He pulled all the legwork, I just did the writing,” Lena shrugged nonchalantly.</p><p>At this point, Kara shouldn’t be surprised at just how big Lena’s heart truly is. And yet, here she is, still in awe. Suddenly, her superhero gig seems so pathetic compared to how much goodness Lena does without broadcasting it.</p><p>“Wait. So if I’m getting this right, you actually managed to pull off a date on a reasonably small budget,”</p><p>“I had to pull some strings but pretty much, yes. Impressed yet? Unless, you’d rather I take you to the usual wine and dine tour of National City’s most expensive restaurants, because that option is very much on the table.”</p><p>Kara shakes her head and grabs a slice of pizza. “No, this is so much better than I have ever imagined our first date will be. You never cease to amaze me, Lena.”</p><p>They spend the rest of the evening listening to soft jazz, playing on the background while having dinner and pleasant conversation, telling each other stories, and Lena gently laying down her armor for one night of being <em>Just Lena.</em></p><p>At one point, Kara asked Lena to dance and it was three minutes of silence and heaven. No words passed between them. No words needed to. Vaguely, Kara can hear the slow jazz but on the forefront of her mind were thoughts of Lena. Of how soft and warm she is. Of the gentle cloud of vanilla and rain and ocean scents that seem to suffuse the air around her. Of how truly good the heart that beats so steadily inside her chest is. Of how Lena—the very human Lena—has become the rock upon which Kara stands.</p><p>And it sends Kara to a place not of pain and uncertainty and insecurity, but a place she has come to know as home.</p><p>When it was time to go, Lena spends a few minutes profusely thanking the jazz band while they keep telling her it was no big deal.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>They take the limo back to Kara’s apartment. Lena, once again, holds the door open as Kara steps out of the car.</p><p>She takes Lena’s hand and for a second they just stare at each other, lingering just outside Kara’s apartment building.</p><p>Lena clears her throat but doesn’t let go. “So, what do you say? Will you give Kieran a chance?” Lena asks with small, hopeful smile and quirk of perfectly sculpted eyebrows.</p><p>“I don’t know,” Kara responds with a smile of her own. “I’ve just met this Kieran person. And if anything, I already have plans to go on at least one more date with a certain Luthor, first name Lena. I may even kiss her tonight, with her permission, of course.”</p><p>“And what if I’m the one that asks permission?”</p><p>“I’m pretty sure—“</p><p>“Kara? I’m asking for permission,” Lena cuts Kara off with an impatient but playful smile.</p><p>“Oh—uhmm” and having no more words, as Lena diminishes the distance the already miniscule distance between them, Kara simply nods.</p><p>“I’ll take that as a yes,” Lena whispers before she tiptoes slightly up and capture Kara’s lips with her own.</p><p>Kara doesn’t need a second to process anything. What does she need to process when there are soft lips massaging her own? When it feels so incredibly good, the butterflies have all been set free and on fire at the same time and they are flitting through her veins, every inch of her suddenly lit on fire?</p><p>No, Kara doesn’t need to process, she needs to reciprocate. She needs to make sure that Lena feels just as elated and hungry and just so wonderfully good as Kara does. So, Kara tilts her head slightly, allowing their lips to finally properly slot into place…and Lena moans and <em>Rao has anything sounded sexier than Lena moaning into a kiss?</em></p><p>The kiss is gentle and hungry at the same time but the need for air pulls Lena away and she closes her eyes, breathing deeply.</p><p>Panic quickly sets in Kara, terrified as Lena’s eyes remain closed, her breathing even and steady.</p><p>“Le—“</p><p>Kara never manages to finish as Lena opens her eyes, mumbles “More,” before crashing her lips back on to Kara’s. Their kiss is hungrier this time, more insistent. Lena weaves her hands behind Kara’s neck to pull her deeper and Kara wraps her arms on Lena’s waist as counterbalance, pulling their bodies flush against each other.</p><p>When Lena finally breaks away for a breath, she doesn’t close her eyes but instead stares at Kara. They are still catching their breath but Kara is searching for any sign in Lena’s eyes. Worry crinkles her brows when Lena says nothing… until Lena breaks into a smile.</p><p>“I should have done that when you first entered my office almost three years ago,” Lena murmurs, and Kara breaks into a laugh, prompting Lena to quirk an eyebrow in question.</p><p>“You do remember that Clark was there too, right?”</p><p>“And your point being?”</p><p>Kara shakes her head. “No, you’re right. You really should have.”</p><p>“So… I’m not sure I’m ready to stop kissing you just yet, but I’m also not entirely comfortable having another make-out session out in the streets,” Lena says, stepping back and taking Kara’s hands back to her own.</p><p>“Lucky for you, my apartment’s very close by,” Kara grins.</p><p>The smile that spreads across Lena’s face is priceless as she mutters, “Lead the way, then.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>What? That's it. ^^, </p><p>I especially like the part where they *insert expletives here* but I cut that out because why should I let you have all the fun? :)</p><p>Next update is Monday because I'm *insert excuses here*</p><p>Come follow me on Twitter (@TheLazyBam) where I am just a SuperCorp clown. Loud and proud. You can also fight me there. </p><p>Sometimes.</p><p>-Bam, The Lazy One</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. Absolution</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hi!<br/>Bam here.</p>
<p>I know it's repetitive at this point, but I will never cease to be grateful and in awe of all your kind words. (Please keep them coming, thanks. I'm not beyond begging. hahaha)</p>
<p>We have a short one today. But hopefully you will still find it just as good.</p>
<p>Unbeta-ed so all mistakes are mine. (And even if it is still beta-ed i dont know if I will blame my beta for the mistakes. Theyre still mine, anyways.)</p>
<p>Please let me know what you think.</p>
<p>Enjoy!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>The door to Kara’s apartment barely closed before they were on each other’s lips, Lena pinning Kara to her door with a dull thud. The unexpected show of strength lets out a gasp in Kara that Lena fully takes advantage of, allowing her tongue to push into Kara’s mouth. And the fire butterflies in Kara’s body burned brighter, lighting up the darker places inside Kara, threatening to wake up things that slumber in the darkness.</p>
<p>Still, Kara maintained her control while Lena seemingly lost hers as their hands are now more exploratory, a study in contrast.</p>
<p>Kara’s hands are soft and gentle, almost ghost-like in some areas, tentative in most. They stay mostly twined in Lena’s hair, pushing Lena’s head forward, almost as if begging for Lena’s tongue to probe deeper into Kara’s mouth. Lena’s however, have already managed to pull Kara’s shirt from where they were tucked in and was now roaming freely under her shirt, setting fire where they touch. They were insistent but respectful, avoiding places Kara hasn’t explicitly told her she can touch—not that Kara has any plans to deny Lena anything, anyway. Still, consent is sexy.</p>
<p>Kara lowers her other hand and starts fiddling with the buttons of her shirt, trying to give Lena more access. Lena, sensing this, swats Kara’s hand away and proceeds to rip Kara’s shirt off. The soft tapping of buttons as they clattered down Kara’s hardwood flooring seemed too loud. “I’ll buy you a thousand more,” Lena mumbled into their kiss before resuming her probing. Kara just grins and kisses back.</p>
<p>Shirt for a shirt, Kara proceeds to do the same to Lena’s, and Lena shrugs the ruined item off. Kara shamelessly whimpers when Lena takes a step back, breaking their kiss, and hooks her finger on the waistband of Kara’s palazzo. Lena pulls as she carefully walks backward, a wicked grin on her face, until she hits Kara’s kitchen island.</p>
<p>Lena hauls herself up the kitchen island, sitting at the very edge and spreads her thighs apart, pulling Kara to slot perfectly between them. She then wraps her thighs around Kara’s waist in a vice grip, securing Kara in place.</p>
<p>Now with the slight height advantage, Lena cups Kara’s chin and tilts her head up. Kara stares at Lena, her pale skin even more beautiful when lit solely by the evening lights of National City pouring in from Kara’s ceiling to floor windows. There was a curious glint of something in Lena’s eyes that Kara has never seen before.</p>
<p>Lena bends down and places a featherlight kiss on Kara’s lips.</p>
<p>“Do you remember what you said that night? Before it all happened?” she asks, her voice soft, steady, certain.</p>
<p>Kara frowns and closes her eyes in silent prayer. <em>No… not now. Please Rao, not now.</em></p>
<p>“Kara? I need you to look at me.”</p>
<p>Kara hesitates, sighs, then lifts her head to meet Lena’s eyes again…</p>
<p>“Hi,” Lena says softly as soon as their eyes meet. “Don’t be afraid, puppy. I got you,” she adds, gently.</p>
<p>“I—I don’t know what you need me to do, Lena. I’m afraid to answer your question,” Kara says, fear and despair thick in her voice. She wants to go back to the kissing and the almost-groping. She has better control there. Not here, not where she can’t read Lena’s mind.</p>
<p>But Lena smiles reassuringly, places another kiss on Kara’s lips and one more on Kara’s forehead.</p>
<p>“You said—“</p>
<p>“Lena, please—“ Kara tries to cut Lena off. But Lena is unyielding, her pale green eyes boring in Kara’s, rendering the Kryptonian helpless as she listens to her words repeated back to her.</p>
<p>“—that I own your deepest, darkest, uninhibited desires. I live in it. You said I thrive in your darkness, I rule it; that I am hidden at your very psyche.”</p>
<p>“Lena, I was—“</p>
<p>Lena, ignoring Kara’s protests, leans back down and places a trail of gentle kisses from the corner of Kara’s lips, tracing her jaw, towards Kara’s earlobe which she bites before continuing in a whisper so low, rasping, and dripping with so much desire, Kara’s knees nearly buckles, “You called me your queen and promised to make me take <em>everything</em> you can give me.”</p>
<p>When Lena trains her eyes back at Kara’s, her pupils are so blown there is very little of the pale green left.</p>
<p>“Is all of that still true?”</p>
<p>Kara pauses. The words are familiar. She knows she said them, but she isn’t sure if it is true now, certainly it was true then. She kept Lena hidden in the secret, darker places of her mind, wanting selfishly to keep her there because if it all came to light, she thought she would lose Lena. In the end, she did lose her. And it took a brutal tragedy to force everything out into the light.</p>
<p>But Lena will always be in her secret places, only she wants Lena to know them now.</p>
<p>“Y—yes. And I think it will always be true,” Kara replies simply.</p>
<p>“Good,” Lena drawls, sending all of Kara’s blood away from her brain. “I am holding you to that,” she adds in a husked whisper. Lena captures Kara’s lips in another heated kiss, the slight height advantage allowing Lena to bear down on Kara, pushing her tongue further in.</p>
<p>Kara’s body is on fire and her brain is mush and it isn’t helping that Lena has now pulled off Kara’s ruined shirt and began tracing open-mouthed kisses on Kara’s shoulders.</p>
<p>…and then Lena slows down, and groans.</p>
<p>“I will need you to let go at some point,” Lena says, her tone a touch impatient.</p>
<p>Kara blinks, absolutely lost in Lena’s sudden change in gears. “What do you mean?”</p>
<p>“I sincerely appreciate that you have given me agency in how we move forward about sensitive and private matters, but Kara? This whole ‘control’ thing that you have is quickly becoming tiresome when all I need you to do right now is to let go.”</p>
<p>“The last time I lost it, you took two months to recover physically.”</p>
<p>Lena groans again, “Why did I know you were going to say that?”</p>
<p>“I don’t understand what’s happening, Lena,” Kara insists, reaching up to touch Lena’s face. Lena caught her hand by the wrist and held it in place firmly.</p>
<p>“I already told you, I <em>need</em> you to let go of this control you assume you have.”</p>
<p>“I don’t want to hurt you.”</p>
<p>“You already are. You already have”</p>
<p>“Wha—“</p>
<p>Kara watches the telltale sign of Lena trying to center herself: the slow inhale, a brief pause and the even slower exhale, all with her eyes closed. The sudden anger in Lena’s eyes when she opened them nearly threw Kara back, if not for Lena’s vice grip on her waist. When she spoke, it was measured with just a hint of tremor.</p>
<p>“These past few months, you have treated me the same way your friends did. You want to help me because you want to feel good. Because getting me back to the state I was in before all these happened will somehow give you a sense of absolution. And god, Kara, I let you. How fucked up is that? When all I ever really want to do is wallow and feel things. I want to feel things, Kara.”</p>
<p>“That’s not what I was trying to do at all,” Kara answers defensively.</p>
<p>Lena drops her legs and lets Kara go. She narrows her eyes. “Really? Then why do you refuse to take measures and deal with your feelings? Because you’re too scared and fear doesn’t feel good, does it? You took back control of every facet of your life, except our relationship. So much so that <em>I</em> had to ask you out for a single date to happen. You took the things you couldn’t control and surrendered them to me. You think this will help me. And thinking that makes you feel good. And again, I ask you, how fucked up is that?”</p>
<p>Kara steps back, well and truly confused now. “Lena, that’s not—I was giving you a wide berth, enough to let you process and be angry and grieve. I thought I was giving you control because Kal was right, wasn’t he? You lost a sense of control that night too. We both did. I was—I am trying to give it back.”</p>
<p>“Control?!” Lena laughs derisively. Her eyes fiercer, angrier now. “I have always had control. My life is a study in discipline and control. So much so that at any moment I lose it, I hire someone to hurt me. Weren’t you listening to me? I use pain to dictate and measure myself. I punish myself for losing it, and use the consequent pain to numb every single emotion that I do not know how to handle. I am all about control. And when I did lose control that night, as you say, wasn’t I punished immediately? So much so that it took me months to recover. I <em>am</em> control, Kara. And for at least a few hours… can you let me<em> not</em> be that? Because <em>I am tired</em>, Kara.”</p>
<p>Kara watches as Lena hangs her head. She nearly misses the one single tear that drops in Lena’s lap, before Lena wipes away the rest that threatens to fall away.</p>
<p>“Lena?” Kara steps back in.</p>
<p>“At least when we’re alone together… will you allow me to lose control and not be punished for it? I will gladly take control and take over anything and anyone for you. But not here, not when it’s just us. You promised me safety in your space. So let me safely spiral out when I am in your arms.”</p>
<p>Lena’s voice is small, tired, and pleading, a far cry from the confident CEO that Kara was kissing out in the street just a few minutes ago.</p>
<p>“Of course, you can do that, Lena,” Kara says gently, reaching out to touch Lena’s cheeks. “You know you can be sad, or happy, or angry, or horny if you want that. I want you to be exactly who you really are, with all the confusing feelings and baggage, when you are with me. You don’t have to wear your armors anymore. I can take care of you.”</p>
<p>Lena shakes her head. “Stop that. I don’t need you to save me. Remember when I told you that I see us as equals? In this relationship, you are neither Kara Danvers nor Supergirl. And I am not the Evil Genius or the CEO of L-Corp. When we’re together, we are just Kara and Lena… which means, you’re also going to have to let go.”</p>
<p>Kara groaned. “Lena, please.”</p>
<p>“Don’t start with the whole ‘hurting me’ spiel or I swear to all the gods, I will walk out of here. Besides, haven’t we established that I am much harder to break than you think?”</p>
<p>“But I can make you feel just as good, maybe even better, even when I am in control of my strength. I don’t see why we have to risk your life every time we have sex. I almost lost you once. I am not going to risk that again,” Kara says firmly, but faltered when she saw Lena’s eyes go glassy for a second.</p>
<p>In a quaking whisper, Lena says, “I still see her when I close my eyes. This impostor that pretended to be you, that looked and felt like you. I see her in my nightmares, or in moments when I feel like I can’t grasp my world. And I need you to replace the memories she made. I need you to let go so I can finally, <em>finally</em>, replace her face, her touches, her breath, her kisses… everything she did. So I can say that the woman who gave me her everything and made me take it is <em>my Kara</em>, not this pretender that haunts my nightmares. Do you understand, Kara? Do you finally understand?”</p>
<p>And just like that, the gravity of everything that Lena has been trying to do falls on Kara. Still, what Lena is insisting is practically suicide. Kara is a Kryptonian and it would be so easy for her to break Lena.</p>
<p>“Will you trust me?”</p>
<p>And how can Kara deny Lena anything when she looks at Kara like the price of Lena’s entire being is a single hug.</p>
<p>“Yes,” Kara answers, her mind already racing, thinking of immediately calling Alex and Dr. Cunningham afterwards. But she will do what Lena needs for her to do. She won’t go back on her promise.</p>
<p>“Good,” Lena says, once again bearing down on Kara with a kiss so hungry, Kara actually forgot to temper herself and reciprocated with what must be a bruising kiss. Instead, Lena just hisses in pleasure and grins into the kiss… and only then did Kara notice.</p>
<p>“You sneaky little Luthor,” Kara says as she finally registers the odd red glow of her apartment.</p>
<p>“You didn’t actually think that I would ask you to let go and not have red sun lamps in place, did you?”</p>
<p>“I—uhmm. When did you install them?” Kara asks instead of answering, because yes, she did actually think Lena was crazy enough to have a fully-powered Kryptonian bearing down on her. But she will never admit that, not to Lena. </p>
<p>(She would eventually admit it years later, much to her embarrassment and Lena’s amusement.)</p>
<p>Lena sheepishly smiles. “I didn’t. I gave them to Alex yesterday. Alex, Winn and Clark installed them when you left earlier for our date. And these are all prototypes, but are remote controlled,” she says, waving small button on her hand. “I can install more efficient, less conspicuous ones but not tonight.”</p>
<p>“Not tonight,” Kara agreed.</p>
<p>Kara has a lot of other plans for tonight, after all.</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>From there, it was a mad rush to see who could strip the other of clothes first. Lena won, but Kara would argue that she cheated when she took her own bra first, rendering Kara incapable of anything for a good few seconds as she stared dumbly at Lena’s heaving chest. By the time Kara recovers, Lena had already removed Kara’s bra and pulled down Kara’s palazzos.</p>
<p>But Kara is a woman on a mission and she will not disappoint Lena.</p>
<p>She lets go.</p>
<p>There is nothing gentle about what they did. Sweet, maybe. But nowhere in the realm of gentle are their kisses, or the marks they left on each other’s body. Kara is so lost in her desire, in her need to make Lena the happiest woman that evening, she barely registers her own voice as she murmurs “My queen” over and over again on her trail to mark and kiss and touch every inch of skin Lena offers.</p>
<p>There is nothing gentle in the way she tastes Lena, devours her until Lena is practically begging her to stop. And when she does, Lena actually looks disappointed. So she continues pulling one orgasm after the next, again and again until Lena roughly pushes her away, only to take over. By then, Kara is so worked up, it is almost embarrassing how quickly she comes.</p>
<p>But Lena is just as insatiable, just as relentless in her mission to make Kara regret delaying something so wonderful for so long. Despite the lack of super strength, Kara manages to rip the sheets as she comes again, lights dancing in her eyes, and gasping for much needed air.</p>
<p>There is a moment where they both calm down enough to share a heated kiss before Lena moans and Kara, to this day, will maintain that it is the sexiest, most insanely delicious sound there is. That single sound sets fire to Kara and she roughly shoves Lena down, face first in the mattress before taking her repeatedly.</p>
<p>Despite the red sun lamps, they manage to ruin Kara’s headboard. Lena disregards this and Kara could not care less.</p>
<p>In a moment of clarity, it occurs to Kara then that, except for the moments when Lena would reciprocate, Lena really is on a mission to replace every single thing that Kara’s infected self did to her, to the point where she will almost tell Kara what to do, how rough, how much harder, rougher, and deeper Kara needs to go. Not that Kara wants to complain. She will be lying if she says she’s not enjoying every moment of it.</p>
<p>So, Kara complies. If it chases Lena’s nightmares away, then so be it. If she needs to do this repeatedly to completely replace Lena’s fears, then so be it. If she needs to do this for the rest of her life, she isn’t about to complain.</p>
<p>And when finally, they’re both spent, sticky and sweaty, Lena leans towards Kara and gently demands, like the queen she truly is, “Say it, Kara.”</p>
<p>When Kara was new to Earth, she read the stories of old gods slumbering in the deepest darkness. They stay asleep, waiting for someone to wake them up. But always there is an ominous warning of the destruction they can wrought if they are summoned.</p>
<p>When she told Lena, months ago, that she ruled her darkness, it really was the truth. As proof, she survived an onslaught of those sleeping gods in Kara’s darkness. And now, Lena controls them completely. Kara likes to imagine they are purring inside her now, content in the knowledge that from time to time, they are allowed to be let out and play with their queen.</p>
<p>She also told Lena she owns her. That, too, is true. Whether or not Lena wields that ownership, is entirely up to her. Kara is just satisfied to spend these moments with Lena, the one who owns her completely, body and soul.</p>
<p>So Kara doesn’t hesitate. If Lena forgets, then she will do it again as Lena asked. Again and again until her brain is forced to remember. And why shouldn’t she say it? It is just as true as all the other things she said that night.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>“I’ve always wanted to do that.”</em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I was debating on making this explicit but then i thought it would ruin the whole tone of the story, so I kept it as clean as possible. ahaha.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Come follow me on Twitter (@TheLazyBam). I'm nice there sometimes.</p>
<p>-Bam, The Lazy One</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0011"><h2>11. Control</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Kara wakes up to a strange buzzing somewhere.</p><p>She cracks one eye open and sees Lena’s phone lighting up and vibrating on the bedside table close to her. She gingerly reaches out to grab the offending item, careful not to jostle too much as a sleeping queen burrows herself deeper into Kara’s space.</p><p>
  <em>Samantha Arias</em>
</p><p>“Lena’s phone, this is Kara speaking,” Kara answers as quietly as she can.</p><p>Lena makes a disgruntled noise but doesn’t move.</p><p>“Oh my god, you really are a dork,” Sam says on the other line.</p><p>“Good morning to you too, Sam,” Kara replies, ignoring the comment.</p><p>“So,” Sam drawls, “Since you’re answering her phone and I know you had a date last night, I’m going to assume it went well and Lena is in your bed right now or you are on hers, doesn’t matter.”</p><p>“Sure, you can assume that, if you want,” Kara answers, smiling down at Lena.</p><p>“Fine,” Sam says and Kara could almost hear the eye roll. “I’ll tell Jess to cancel her meetings today. I’m pretty sure Lena is in no shape or brain capacity to work today anyways. And please make sure you talk to Alex ASAP.”</p><p>“Why do I need to talk to Alex? Hello? Sam?” Kara checks Lena’s phone and sees that the call has ended. She shakes her head.</p><p>“It’s because she knows you tell Alex everything, and she’s not going to get anything from me,” Lena murmurs. “If you’re done talking to someone else, can I please have my safety blanket back?”</p><p>Kara laughs and wraps her arms snuggly around the grumpy queen who hums in approval.</p><p>“So that’s my official title now? Safety blanket?”</p><p>“No. You’re my puppy. Safety blanket is just part of your job description.”</p><p>“Yes, my queen,” Kara murmurs into Lena’s hair as she burrows her head in. Nobody should smell this good even after the night they had.</p><p>Lena moans at her title and Kara barely stops herself from squeezing Lena too tightly.</p><p>“Okay, house rules. You do not moan like that in public, ever,” Kara tries to say it as firmly as she can, but it came out sounding more petty than firm. “It does things to me,” Kara tacks on the last part softly, with a slight pout.</p><p>Lena softly growls. “Oh, puppy,” she drawls, “You just handed over so much power to me. Imagine all the things I can do with just that information.”</p><p>“Uhmm. Right. How are you feeling?” Kara suddenly asks, blushing, needing a quick change of topic.</p><p>Lena hums. “Like I want to stay burrowed like this forever, but I also have a conference call I need to attend to at 1pm and several proposals that I need to look over so I just want the world to burn right now if it buys me an infinity with you, like this.”</p><p>“Sam said she’ll call Jess to cancel your meetings today.”</p><p>“No, Jess won’t cancel my 1pm. In fact, she should be—“ and just then, Lena’s phone started vibrating again, “—Puppy, hand over my phone please.”</p><p>Kara sighs and hands Lena’s phone back to her.</p><p>“Jess,” Kara hears Lena say and for a moment the world blurs away.</p><p>This is perhaps the reality that Kara hasn’t considered. Lena, no matter how vulnerable she may seem at the moment (because she has promised to be armor-less in Kara’s presence), really has the world on her shoulders. L-Corp has thousands of employees, not including their subsidiaries, partners, and subcontractors. So many people relying on her to be steady and strong and in control. So many lives depending on her to make the right decisions so they can live well.</p><p>Lena makes snap decisions that can make or break an entire industry. And so far she has chosen well enough… and she makes it look so easy.</p><p>And Kara gets to date someone that in-demand, that powerful. Supergirl might be a beloved hero, but she thinks she will never quite fathom the strength it takes to be human, a Luthor, and carry the world on your shoulders.</p><p>She stares at Lena and still can’t believe she has someone so rare and beautiful in her arms.</p><p>She hears Jess prattle off on the other end of the line just exactly how tight Lena’s Saturday schedule is. The fact that they woke up at 9am has cost Lena a few phone calls already. But Lena reschedules them off to Monday. On and on the negotiations and rescheduling went but Kara patiently listens, really taking everything in.</p><p>She is committed to even this facet of Lena now.</p><p>And then the phone call is over and Kara sees the weight of the world on Lena as she slowly starts to don the title of CEO.</p><p>“You have to go,” Kara says heavily but is surprised at the scoff that comes off of Lena.</p><p>“Not at all,” her queen says with a smug grin. “I was actually going to ask you to pick up a few things in my apartment, I would do it, but it’s faster if you do. Just my laptop, my glasses, and a blue vial in my bathroom, if that’s okay?”</p><p>“W—w—You’re staying?” Kara asks, not bothering to suppress her joy.</p><p>Lena nods.</p><p>“Are you sure? But you have so much to do—“</p><p>“—That I can do here. Even that conference call can be done remotely. I don’t see why I have to leave. Unless you want me to…” Lena counters with a patient smile.</p><p>Kara rises from the bed and begins rummaging through her closet for something decent to wear. “Rao, no. Not at all. If you can stay by my side forever, that would be better,” she says.</p><p>Lena raises an eyebrow. “Already proposing after the first date? You sure move fast.”</p><p>“Shut up,” Kara mumbles as she walks back to Lena to give her a small kiss. “I’ll go get your stuff. And you better be still in this bed when I come back.”</p><p>Lena purrs, actually purrs, as her eyes darken. “Puppy’s got fangs all of a sudden.”</p><p>“And a mean bite,” she adds before capturing Lena’s lips again.</p><p>“Don’t I know it?”</p><p>“You love it.”</p><p>“Absolutely.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Kara is gone for not longer than ten minutes.</p><p>When she returns, however, Lena is asleep again, her breathing even and deep and a small contented smile is on her lips.</p><p>This gives Kara an opportunity to see the result of that delicious, chaotic mess of tangled limbs and orgasms that happened last night.</p><p>Lena’s pale, smooth skin is absolutely riddled with bites and bruises. She can see hand marks where she must have gripped on Lena too hard. It would have been worse if not for the red sun lamps, but already it looks bad. She even has marks on her legs and wrists and her neck is peppered with bites, and her lips are swollen.</p><p>Even de-powered, she could hurt Lena this badly, and it breaks Kara’s heart.</p><p>“Stop that,” Lena mumbles. “I swear I can hear what’s going on in your head and whatever it is that you’re thinking, you’re wrong.”</p><p>“You have so many bruises, Lena… and I did all of that. Even without my powers, I can still hurt you,” Kara says quietly, mapping with her eyes all the marks on Lena’s body.</p><p>Lena sits up and smiles. “I enjoyed every single moment of last night. And yes, there were times when my brain would panic but then I’d see you, love and desire in your eyes and the panic washes away and I’d feel safe again.”</p><p>“So... you remember everything, right?” Kara asks tentatively as she trains her eyes back to Lena’s.</p><p>“Every single moment,” Lena says gently, reassuring Kara with a kiss on her cheek. “Surprisingly, you’re a biter. I didn’t think I was into it, but I totally am. Or maybe it’s just because it’s you.” Lena shrugs, and Kara knows she’s just trying to lighten the mood.</p><p>Kara is still trying to wrap her head around how Lena is too cavalier with her own body. She knows that Lena is used to physical pain. This is a fact that she forces herself to remember but is still not quite comfortable with.</p><p>It’s the emotional pain that Lena can’t quite deal with and Kara has to be careful with.</p><p>She watches as Lena gets off the bed and head straight for the bathroom. Even in a state of nakedness, there is something so regal about Lena that burns down Kara’s throat in the most pleasurable way. She hears herself growl quietly and feels a tight knot south of her body.</p><p>Kara hears Lena groan and before she could ask, Lena’s head pops out of the bathroom with a weird smile on her face.</p><p>“Hey, you know that house rule you said earlier? I’d like to add one: No marks on my neck unless it’s Fall or Winter when I can reasonably wear scarves and turtlenecks. You can go all Jackson Pollock out of the rest of my body anytime of the year, but neck is off limits on sundress seasons and the face is off-limits year round, are we clear, puppy?”</p><p>Kara bursts into laughter but nods in agreement. She hears Lena mutter about needing more concealer for her meeting later and how unfair it is that Kryptonians don’t have bruises.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>If Kara really thinks about it, that day was the real beginning of their domesticity and all the compromises that come with it.</p><p>The reality, as Kara has come to recognize, is that they are two powerful women, carrying the world on their shoulders in different ways. The difference now is they are able to work together to do so. With Kara having two full-time jobs she is very passionate about, and Lena on the helm of one of the biggest companies worldwide, their schedules needed to be ironed out and compromises made.</p><p>Lena, despite the excessively long hours, manages to be home before 6pm. That was their first compromise. It didn’t matter that she still had to work, she could work from home for as long as she needs to, so long as she is home by 6pm. She has also started to learn to cook, in earnest, which she eventually equates to simple chemistry, something she is excellent at. Lena now has three items on the chore list: changing of sheets (which Kara still isn’t allowed to do), laundry (which Kara hates anyways), and cooking (once again proving that Lena can excellently do pretty much anything she sets her mind to).</p><p>Kara has promised to always, <em>always</em> leave a note in those odd moments when she has to be a hero in the middle of the night. There is also a standing order that no matter how badly wounded Kara is, Lena is to be called to the DEO as soon as they have her, no excuses. The last one is made three months into their relationship when Lena had to barge into the DEO after Kara didn’t answer her phone for four hours. The resulting screaming match that happened between Alex and Lena, and the fact that Kara had to sleep on the couch for a night, solidified this rule.</p><p>The couch was comfortable, the cold silence wasn’t.</p><p>Sundays are still their off days.</p><p>Lena still has nightmares sometimes, especially on highly stressful days, when not even rigorous rounds of bone-crushing orgasms could take her mind off of things. Kara still feels useless during those nights, but she keeps Lena close and the nightmares don’t last too long anymore. All she thinks about are the invisible scars that Kelly talked about.</p><p>Six months after they started dating, Lena asks Kara if she wants to find a place of their own. Not in Lena’s penthouse suite. Not in Kara’s rent-controlled apartment.</p><p>A new place.</p><p>As soon as Kara says yes, Lena sheepishly produces a blueprint she has been working on, and it is a veritable fortress, built with its own lab and a security system so tight, Winn has not ever managed to break into it, masquerading as a six-bedroom townhouse right on the edge of National City. Kara likes the backyard.</p><p>And all the extra amenities and accessories in their bedroom.</p><p>And the extra-large pantry.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>It is four years later and Lena is on her second glass of wine. Kara hasn’t been home all day but that has ceased to worry her a long time ago, unless it’s 8pm and she still hasn’t called, then Alex or Winn, by proxy, gets the blunt end of a worried Luthor.</p><p>She hears the telltale sound of boots thudding in their porch.</p><p>7:59 PM</p><p>“Cutting it close, puppy,” Lena smirks into her wine as soon as she hears the glass doors open.</p><p>“Is that so?”</p><p>Lena hums. She still isn’t looking at Kara, still absorbed at the swirling red liquid in her wine glass. She presses a button on her phone.</p><p>She hears a brief static and a mumbled “What the—“ from Kara.</p><p>It is only then that Lena looks at Kara. “Oh, I forgot to tell you, I’ve made it so that the barrier can now be moved around remotely. As you can see, I’ve even managed to split the living room in half, so now you’re stuck there, and I’m here.”</p><p>“Lena,” Kara calls, almost threatening, but still a little wary, “What are you doing?”</p><p>“I got an interesting call this morning from Alex. It was a really weird case of déjà vu, except I didn’t get a text message from you, this time.”</p><p>Lena’s skin crawls as she sees Kara’s smile spread wickedly across her face. The red veins around her eyes are faint, but there. “So you just decided to wait for me. Ballsy of you to think that I’d actually come home to you.”</p><p>“Ballsy? I seem to recall you said I own you. Shouldn’t I expect things that I own to return to me?” Lena manages a smug expression despite the pounding in her heart.</p><p>“And you let me fly around when you could have stopped me? That’s not like you at all. You risked a lot of lives today, <em>my queen</em>,” Kara’s sneer would have unnerved Lena years ago, but now, it just reminds her of all the things that Kara keeps at bay, the demons she fights seemingly effortlessly.</p><p>“Who said I wasn’t tracking you? Just because you got rid of your trackers doesn’t make you invisible. Do not ever underestimate the things I can do for you, the gray areas I would gladly walk on <em>for you</em>,” Lena says, the smug expression gone. She looks back at her wine and debates whether she wants to finish it or just get lost in its hypnotic swirl.</p><p>“So you caught me,” Kara shrugs and sits on the sofa, directly in front of Lena, her posture prowled, as if waiting to pounce on Lena at any moment of weakness. “What are you going to do now, my queen? Call the DEO? I haven’t done anything wrong, technically. And we both know, even if you activate the red sun lamps, you are still no match for me.”</p><p>“True, but I actually just want to talk, in the meantime,” Lena looks at Kara again, searching.</p><p>“Talk? Wouldn’t you rather I take you to bed again?”</p><p>Lena shakes her head with a fond smile, “No, Kara does that excellently. I don’t need an uninhibited Kryptonian when I have Kara with a red sun lamp. Or didn’t you know? Search yourself right now and see if you really want to do that. Go ahead. I’ll wait.”</p><p>“You are underestimating exactly how much Kara wants you,” Kara purrs, and it sends a pleasant shiver down Lena’s spine.</p><p>“Perhaps, but Kara and I can deal with that <em>thoroughly, </em>later. For now, we’ll talk,” Lena says firmly.</p><p>Kara shrugs, loosens her posture, and sits back, staring at Lena. “Fine. What do you want?”</p><p>“It’s not every day I get to talk to Kara without her worries and concerns. I’m just fully taking advantage of this—shall we call it a ‘happy accident’?”</p><p>Kara grunts but says nothing.</p><p>“Very well, you could have done anything, could have wreaked greater destruction that day. Why come to me instead?”</p><p>Kara laughs, mirthless, high and cold. “Because you are all I could ever think about. It is incessant, this need to be with you. Every waking moment, and even on to my dreams, I think of you. If I could write about all the ways I want you, I would still be writing long after you have gone. But no, I have to be all noble and pure, starve myself while you were <em>right there</em>. Why shouldn’t I have taken you the moment I could?”</p><p>“But you could have gotten away, why didn’t you?”</p><p>“Do you think we would be talking here, right now, if I did? Uninhibited or not, that guilt would eat at me and I will never be able to face you. You had to be the one to come to me, to force me back to the light and out of my own darkness. Even today, I still think you will wake up and see me, realize that I am not worthy of you. That you could have so much more, and yet you choose to deal with an alien on a reporter’s salary. You deserve the world, my queen. Not me. Not <em>us.</em>”</p><p>And there it is, the only answer left in Kara’s puzzle. The only one she still couldn’t put a finger on because her strong, gentle, loving Kara will never let her see it. Because it is a battle Kara fights every day and she won’t Lena see it.</p><p>Lena presses another button on her phone, lowering the barrier and activating the red sun lamps.</p><p>Kara stands, tentatively, but sneers. “You are about to cross a line, my queen. The last time you gambled like this, I sent you to the hospital for a couple of months… and that was me letting you off easy. I told you, red sun lamps or no, I could ruin you still.”</p><p>Lena centers herself and walks towards Kara. Carefully, she wraps her arms around Kara’s shoulders and draws her girlfriend in. <em>“Safe…”</em></p><p>“What are you doing, my queen?” Kara asks, and Lena could feel uncertainty and tension run all over the infected Kryptonian.</p><p>“Crossing a line. I would do it again in a heatbeat. I love you, <em>all of you.</em> And there is no line in this universe I wouldn’t cross to make you feel safe, worthy, and loved.”</p><p>There is silence then, for a long while, as Lena held her infected Kryptonian before she mumbles back, <em>“Safe… </em>Now, where are you hiding your ser—“</p><p>Kara never manages to finish her question as Lena plunges the serum on Kara’s neck.</p><p>Lena feels Kara’s body go limp and is grateful she was near the couch. She manages to half-carry her girlfriend to the couch and let Kara’s head rest on her lap.</p><p>The serum has been perfected a long time ago. It shouldn’t take more than five minutes now, and the pain is nearly non-existent.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>True enough, Kara groans awake five minutes later.</p><p>“Hi, puppy. How are you feeling?” Lena asks, stroking Kara’s hair.</p><p>“A little bit mad at the DEO for seriously just not getting rid of all the Red K they have. And also a little bit mad at you for risking yourself, <em>again</em>,” Kara mumbles, her eyes still closed.</p><p>Lena hums thoughtfully. “I may have a few secure canisters I can lend to the DEO if they insist on handling Red K somewhere.”</p><p>Kara opens her eyes only to roll them at Lena, “Seriously? That’s your takeaway?”</p><p>“No, my biggest takeaway is you’re still second-guessing yourself in our relationship and it honestly makes me feel inadequate. And I have to take advantage of your infection to learn about it,” Lena says it in her most patient tone.</p><p>“I’m sorry. I can’t help it. I don’t like feeling this way. I know you said you see us as equals but I think about you and I see the most precious being in the universe and how did I ever deserve you, Lena?” Kara asks, as she raises a hand to run a gentle thumb tracing Lena’s jawline.</p><p>“Silly puppy, I see you the same way. How did I ever manage to be with the kindest, most gentle, most loving, most generous lover in the whole known existence? But I trust your words when you say you love me, when you promise to stay. You taught me that.”</p><p>“I’m sorry, Lena. I didn’t want to make you feel like I don’t trust you. I do, you know that right? I trust you with all my heart,” Kara says, sitting up.</p><p>Lena could trace all the tiny specks of gold in Kara’s eyes.</p><p>“Marry me.”</p><p>Lena pauses. “Sorry, could you—“</p><p>“Lena Kieran Luthor, mother of my future half-kryptonian genius twins, marry me,” Kara insists, hope and love brimming in her eyes.</p><p>“Is that my title?” Lena asks with a raised eyebrow.</p><p>“What?” Lena wants to smile at the confusion in Kara’s eyes, but she decides to stand firm and let her girlfriend suffer just a bit more.</p><p>“You’re going to propose to me without a ring and you’re not even going to give me the decency of saying my complete title? How rude…” Lena says with an eye roll and mock disdain.</p><p>Kara stares at Lena and for a second, Lena fears that she may have taken the joke a little too far.</p><p>“Lena Kieran Luthor—bed sheet changer, laundry washer and folder, excellent cook, cold black coffee drinker, kale-eater, maker and breaker of jails or containment chambers, inventor of wonders, one most petty, best sex I have ever had and will ever have, goddess and love of my life and mother of my future half-kryptonian genius twins—will you marry me?”</p><p>“Ugh, you forgot about being your queen, but I guess that will do…” Lena says, trying—and failing—to hide her smile.</p><p>“So… is that a yes?” Kara asks tentatively.</p><p>“One second,” Lena says as she pads to the kitchen and opens her herb stash. “I figure the herb stash is the one place in this house you will not dare look at,” she says as she hands Kara a small box.</p><p>“Lena..?”</p><p>“I was going to propose on our anniversary but I guess you beat me to it,” Lena shrugs as she sits beside Kara. “May I?” she asks, gesturing to the small box. Kara nods and hands back the box to her. She, kneels in front of Kara, takes her hand and slides in a simple silver band with an odd red gemstone.</p><p>“This,” Lena says, her voice slightly trembling, “is painite. It is currently the world’s rarest gem. It is not as hard as diamonds, and with your line of work, I decided to encase it in a thin layer of nanofibers, a modified version of the one we used in your suit so now it is nearly indestructible. But at the end of the day, you are still so much more precious than this gem or this ring.”</p><p>Lena hears a slow exhale from Kara. “Oh Rao, Lena… it’s beautiful.”</p><p>Lena smiles and kisses Kara lightly. “I’m glad you like it.”</p><p>“Wait, but this means you will marry me, right?”</p><p>“No, I just wanted to show off and give you a ring.”</p><p>Kara groans. “Lena…”</p><p>Lena chuckles, cups Kara’s chin, whispering “I will marry you, Kara Zor-El Danvers,” before capturing Kara’s lips in a kiss that is familiar and new at the same time.</p><p>Kara deepens their kiss while gathering Lena in her arms. And when lack of oxygen forced Lena to pull away, she grins wickedly and whispers.</p><p>
  <em>“I’ve always wanted to do that.”</em>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Hi!<br/>Bam here.</p><p>So, here we are. </p><p>Thank you for sticking by and just smothering me with your love. I cannot even begin to describe how much I appreciate all of your comments and kudos.</p><p>Please let me know what you think and I hope you enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it.</p><p>Follow me on Twitter (@TheLazyBam) for updates on my next story and watch how I breakdown writing about it.</p><p>-Bam, The Lazy One</p>
        </blockquote><div class="children module" id="children">
  <b class="heading">Works inspired by this one:</b>
  <ul>
    <li>
        <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26073079">From: Control</a> by <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/saya4haji/pseuds/saya4haji">saya4haji</a>
    </li>
  </ul>
</div></div></div>
</body>
</html>